poetry critical

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Victor
markfelician

My thoughts are fluid,
 1
My eyes are bare,
 2
My wings are broken,
 3
The skies could tell
 4
 
 
My body descends,
 5
Like a falling leaf,
 6
Angels tried to catch me,
 7
But my spirit is just weak
 8
 
 
...
 9
 
 
My blood caressed the earth
 10
What a bounty of red!
 11
Their eyes were nailed upon me
 12
I was your slave until the end
 13
 
 
Death is a blessing,
 14
Death is divine,
 15
Death is the beginning,
 16
Let death be mine!
 17

7 Apr 08

Rated 10 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (11): 1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

so Victor had his way and will.. this is dark, but however i like the first part very much.. the third stanza makes me think of the frailty of human body.. furthermore, angels never are weak, and they never stop loving
 — nisetru

Great pice but L7 sounded off to me.  
 — happymole

I like this, but in some areas feels forced and in others the flow suffers for the rhyme. Still really like it. Good work.
 — themolly

nice start, markfelician.

this is one of the most popular and toughest
topics poets write about. defy rhyme if you must
to have an even flow and tighter piece. watch the
meter even if it doesn't have to be uniform all through
out. those are just some of the many things i've learned
here the hard way and still got a long way to go.

someone here always says one's best poem will have to
be his next one and he's right. so let this be your stepping
stone for that masterpiece in the making.

you get a 10-fave for your best work so far.
: )
 — fractalcore

blushing ;)
 — markfelician

I mean piece, not pice.
 — happymole

geez, man, this is pretty kinky.
 — friedMnoodle

What makes it Kinky?
 — alexisboram

the falling sigh, oh my, oh my, why do we continue to cry, oh my -- you've captured the falling darkness with rhyme that lifts the soul, oh my, here we go --
 — AlchemiA

This poem is divine. a 10!
 — choychoy

At the last part, i felt like there was an explosion. It's moving.
 — ptriumvirate

Alchemia, ptriumvirate, choychoy thank you ;)
 — markfelician

This was like driving over a hump in the road that you couldn't really see until you got real close and it feels like the wheels come off the ground. Woah. This really surprised me, I just didn't expect the end, I could tell where it was going but not until it was already there, and then... woah.
 — Greg

yah.

in a Yugo

?

funays
 — unknown

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