poetry critical

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I am not brave enough
to seize the love I want;
not in tune with myself
to know the love I need.
I settle in the vessel
of a vain relation,
shipwrecked in the safety
of another.
when I'm thankless
I am not displeased
with the bread
he feeds me,
with the homes he builds
or the chocolates wrapped in
silver ribbon;
I am ungrateful
because the love he gives
is not the kind I burn for.

8 Apr 08

Rated 9.3 (8.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 8, 9
Inactive (27): 1, 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(13 users consider this poem a favorite)

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Hmm. Like it. Need to think before I say more.
 — themolly

I like the way this flows Jen. The first stanza sets up your usual strong finish.  Very fine writing from my point of view.  My wife would kill me if I gave her chocolates wrapped in silver ribbon.
 — PaulS

Reads well, but is far too self-referential for me.
 — DeformedLion

Well, I get it and don't think anything needs to be changed. Not a thing.
 — smugzy

Really love L12-14...I can relate to it.  :)
 — happymole

i like it too.. what i need from love is be best friends and last forever as love is, sweetness, kindness, closeness, togetherness, communication, growing, dreams, creation, discoveries, experiments, enjoying, fun, simplicity..
 — nisetru

I mean I totally get it.
 — smugzy

yes. the footnote says it all.
 — trochee

thank you all for your comments,
I'm really glad some of you can relate to this-
I was hoping some would.
 — jenakajoffer

Ok. This is so completely true for every woman (practically). I don't know what to say. Great piece you've made here.
 — themolly

wow!! the last stanza is a brillliant ending, and sums up exactly how i felt in my first marriage, guilty as charged. ungrateful, yet guiltily so.
 — crimsonkiss

Wow!  Absolutely incredible ending there.  Beautiful!
 — starr

Jen!  I had no clue this was yours!  Awesome.  
 — starr

Whoo-ee, Baby, nailed this sucker right on the head!
 — Isabelle5

poor guy
 — newslang5

re-reading this...well, the "I's" are slightly offputting but I must say I do quite like it.
Lines 9-14 are fantastic. As is "wrapped in silver ribbon".
 — DeformedLion

sorry i'm so behind, thank you guys for your awesome feedback.  =-)
and for faving, Starr, Isabelle, madder...
and molly, crimson, newslang, thank you (and for sharing).

and DL, i know how my eyes might grate,
but i tried to un-grate how full this was, by removing an eye from line 5.
the rest must remain,
thanks for your thoughts, =-)
 — jenakajoffer

well, i'm greatful to have read this, jen.
how did i ever miss out on this?

i/we miss you here on PC. great to have you back.
: )
 — fractalcore

hi fract,
thanks for reading.
i missed you too.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

I never saw this before. Very good.

What are you doing home on a Friday night?
 — unknown

i really like it when you get me with that twist at the end. it has worked well in some of your other poems.

just thought you should know that. it is a strong trait for you.
 — listen

thanks unknown (must've been a friday a long time ago, i just noticed this). thanks, =-)

hi listen, didn't see you here.  yes, i guess i do like to use thorns in my words.  i can only hope to make others feel them.  thanks for the nice words.
 — jenakajoffer

This is beautiful.  Every line radiates with almost a need to confess.  A wonderful expression of the feeling.  A new favorite for me.
 — sherains

Oh!  I love this poem, I sink into it!  Still such a favorite, brilliant and true
 — sherains

thanks sherains, I'm really glad you like this one.
it's one of my personal faves too; it goes out to most of the women I know, but for a couple oddballs, who are indeed very happy and satisfied in their lives.
how very very odd.
 — jenakajoffer

I can't get enough of this poem jen, timeless!!!
 — sherains

Wow is all I can say. Amazing, wonderful work.
 — onehandfree

What is myself here? Seems to me like its the outside of psyche. All things come from outside, but outside makes the inside possible. We try to find our selves by looking outside, but truly the inside is where everything exists because without the conscious there is no reality... It must be experienced! So It did It until consciousness. Like one in an infinite cycle of goals.  This is what love is about people, accepting things (people), even if they're incomprehensible, including things like existance, to love existance is to accept its incomprehensability.

Good God!!!
 — MattPat

' i settle for the vessel' is pretty cute. it's like you've gone through the list of everyday cliches and refurbished them... ok, re-shelf-papered them -- but, still such careful study seems to have given you a feeling for syllable and phrase, and this one has some easy-listening moves. it has all the problems of easy-listening though: over-orchestrated and confused in the moment because it's trying to be written as profound as how it's sounding to the author... 'somewhere my grateful'
 — geckodrome

sherains, you are too much, hehe. thx.

onehandfree, thank you so much. =-)

mattpatt---yes, isn't it too bad we aren't a more accepting race?  such a pity.

mike, so you're saying you know how the author is feeling when reading this, but the profound effect intended is muddled and confused by the delivery.  'somewhere my grateful' is amazingly poetic, and with that kind of wording, a style could be created out of this becoming something completely moving.  indeed, i would like that.  however, this is not supposed to be moving, and there is no intent for empathy.  it is only an inner voice that compells bitchery.
grateful for the insight, i am.
 — jenakajoffer

that makes it a 'blog', jen. this place is going to have careful readers, people who know both poetry and emotion. i'm looking for the extra thing which takes the author out of simply recording and into flying. i think when you lose yourself in writing the piece -- are able to feel that creative poetry is your only friend, then you find the poem.
 — geckodrome

Ok. This is so completely true for every woman (practically). I don't know what to say. Great piece you've made here.
— themolly         &nb sp;[!]

wow!! the last stanza is a brillliant ending, and sums up exactly how i felt in my first marriage, guilty as charged. ungrateful, yet guiltily so.
— crimsonkiss      

these reviews give the tale of the tape
the reader is at arms length
lookin eye to eye with the poet
flash bulbs are goin off
they both know exactly why they are there and not a soul else in that room can relate on that level
 — chuckle_s

Hi, this is an interesting piece; however, in real life, you will probably find that the man is shagging someone more interesting; there is usually more than one door to a cuckoo clock.
Notice how all the female has beens applaud.

 — unknown

Much like the male has-beens have to comments on the female has-beens, and how they applaud.

Keep taking the pills.
 — Mongrol

Love the imagery, feelings we've all been trhu...who cannot relate? u'v hit the mark my friend!
 — LaGamba

did anyone mention starr, i must have missed it
 — unknown

I see mongrol is up to his usual tricks of slagging off the commentators, again, and again and again. In other words for the slow minded amongst us repeatedly.
 — unknown

haha, Mor you old sassypants.  that was great!

thank you LaG, =-)
 — jenakajoffer

this is very well done; I especially appreciate the second stanza.
 — snow

ahh the Pessimist ! i am touched by this and your extreme honesty, sometimes we want things so much but when they come to us we realize that are not necessarily what we wanted.
" I settle
in the vessel  
of a vain relation, "
Its as if you know and acknowledge your faults, an extremely honorable quality to possess. You write in a simpleblunt manner with underlying tones of uncontentness. I appreciate your writing :)
 — Dark

its so real, you cant help but love it.
 — mlove

hi snow where ya been, thanks for reading.

Dark, i really enjoyed reading your detailed comment.  thank you for reading the poem, and yes, the pessimist!  i have an old poem titled 'pessimism, a timely visitor' but it's not posted as it need to be revised.  i shall post it since perhaps your interest will motivate me to work on it.
thanks again.

thanks mlove. do you have any poems?
 — jenakajoffer

This is introspective and very honest.  Not ungrateful because of lack, but because of needs unmet.  Excellent!
 — Tandisol

you are a very insightful reader.  
i like you.
 — jenakajoffer

I used to, had a different account, and lost my password like the unorganized teenager that I am. Read your poem again. It really is wonderful.
 — mlove

thank you mlove i like your new name.
are you still a minor gone wild?

thanks for liking this ungrateful poem.
 — jenakajoffer

love this !
 — Caducus

i have no idea when you read this, Cad,
but thank you!  
 — jenakajoffer

This is heartwrenching.

Oh, to be that cuckold provider, and even more to know that indignant existence. This is a valentine from the depths of the heart, that brings hopelessness to the surface.

It ticks all the boxes poeticlly. Pace, structure, language...and blends all the elements together well.

In mortification, I must rate this a 10, for it's effect on this reader...
 — PaleHorse

thaèts a pretty awesome feeling if i made you feel mortified.  not that ièd ever want you to feel that way, but ièm so glad you did, thank you so much.  

ignore my idiotic spelling, of all the times i tried to figure out how to make the accent on certain words like clichè (see look, i just did it), and i donèt even know what i did.  now i havenèt got any questions marks or apostrophes! hahaah.  dummy.
 — jenakajoffer