You are red in my canvas
A speck of imperfection...
The seed of my art
You are the wings of freedom
A higher version of my self
The candle in my darkness
You are the melody of my guitar
The adjectives of my music
The universe is a speedster,
And I'm in a hurry,
Carefully avoiding the depths
To lose you I will have to
8 Apr 08
Rated 10 (9.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (8): 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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You need to change the thy in line 5 to you, match it with the rest of the poem.
Do you mean fill in line 13 or shall? I don't understand why you want to lose this being or muse or whatever it is.
hi again, markfelician.
this has great promise but needs reworking.
weird word, that last one in |1. Izzy is right
about "thy" in |5.
will you consider
"creation" in lieu of "art" in |3;
"the universe is a speedster" for |10;
"and i'm in a hurry" for |11;
"carefully avoiding the depths" for |12;
"to lose you i will have to" for |13 and
"forgo art" for |14?
or something like that, yaknow.
looking forward to more of your work.
keep on writing.
Isabelle5 it's supposed to be will not fill hehe, overlooked that one. Why I want to lose the person? Series of bad relationships I guess. Thank you for your comments
Fractalcore :) I made the poem in haste I guess. A lot of thoughts in my mind I wanted to write them right away. Thank you for the revision :)
i actually like this better than your other one.
wanna get rid of the first "art" there? i think
"creation" will best fit that spot.
i agree ;) and thank you for liking this poem fractalcore
wow. my jaws dropped. i really like your poems because it has substance.
yes, i really like this poem. your last two lines are fantastic,
credit to fractal core, he revised that one ;)
oh yeah? nice one fract,
and credit to you for taking his suggestion.
(if i addressed you with initials for short,
i'd be calling you mf, so i won't)
haha yeah, ;) you can call me ark.
canvas has one s
Yup, apples is right, ark. It's canvas with one s. Canvass with two s is to solicit or inspect.
I like this piece but 'adjective' in L8 seems to be a malapropos word to be associated with music...unless of course it implies something significant to you. :)
Hope to read more poems from you. :)
thank you for your comments
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