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You are red in my canvas
          A speck of imperfection...
The seed of my art
You are the wings of freedom
          A higher version of my self
The candle in my darkness
You are the melody of my guitar
         The adjectives of my music
My obsession
The universe is a speedster,
         And I'm in a hurry,
Carefully avoiding the depths
To lose you I will have to
forgo creation

8 Apr 08

Rated 10 (9.1) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6, 10, 10
Inactive (8): 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

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You need to change the thy in line 5 to you, match it with the rest of the poem.

Do you mean fill in line 13 or shall?  I don't understand why you want to lose this being or muse or whatever it is.  
 — Isabelle5

hi again, markfelician.

this has great promise but needs reworking.
weird word, that last one in |1. Izzy is right
about "thy" in |5.

will you consider
"creation" in lieu of "art" in |3;
"the universe is a speedster" for |10;
"and i'm in a hurry" for |11;
"carefully avoiding the depths" for |12;
"to lose you i will have to" for |13 and
"forgo art" for |14?

or something like that, yaknow.

looking forward to more of your work.
keep on writing.
: )
 — fractalcore

Isabelle5 it's supposed to be will not fill hehe, overlooked that one. Why I want to lose the person? Series of bad relationships I guess. Thank you for your comments
 — markfelician

Fractalcore :) I made the poem in haste I guess. A lot of thoughts in my mind I wanted to write them right away. Thank you for the revision :)
 — markfelician

i actually like this better than your other one.
wanna get rid of the first "art" there? i think
"creation" will best fit that spot.
: )
 — fractalcore

i agree ;) and thank you for liking this poem fractalcore
 — markfelician

wow. my jaws dropped. i really like your poems because it has substance.
 — choychoy

 — themolly

yes, i really like this poem. your last two lines are fantastic,
moves me.
jen- =-)
 — jenakajoffer

credit to fractal core, he revised that one ;)
 — markfelician

oh yeah? nice one fract,
and credit to you for taking his suggestion.
(if i addressed you with initials for short,
i'd be calling you mf, so i won't)
 — jenakajoffer

haha yeah, ;) you can call me ark.
 — markfelician

canvas has one s
 — apples

Yup, apples is right, ark.  It's canvas with one s.  Canvass with two s is to solicit or inspect.  

I like this piece but 'adjective' in L8 seems to be a malapropos word to be associated with music...unless of course it implies something significant to you.  :)

Hope to read more poems from you.  :)  
 — happymole

thank you for your comments
 — markfelician

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