poetry critical

online poetry workshop



What Happened After You
Isabelle5

In lieu of roses,
 1
you brought me lies,
 2
hip-boots to wade through
 3
the thickening sludge
 4
of what I had perceived
 5
as honest hope.
 6
 
 
I wove pine branches
 7
for a bier and laid me down
 8
but you lit no flame
 9
to send me gently
 10
into the precious
 11
silent realm.
 12
 
 
Caught between two Heavens,
 13
I am this ghost who breathes,
 14
whose useless heart
 15
still breaks each night
 16
upon the memory of
 17
your stolen flesh;
 18
 
 
say no prayers for my release -
 19
I own this pain as fully
 20
as I owned that passion.
 21

9 Apr 08

Rated 8.7 (8.9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9
Inactive (6): 1, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(501 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Ls19-21 hit me hard, the emotion is almost tangable.  L14 is great, too much pain to bear but not enough to kill....it hurts so good
 — addagirl

Isabelle5-i should have known it was you!
 — addagirl

Oh, thank you!  Yes, the pain that is too great to bear but somehow does not slay us.  How do we all survive?  
 — Isabelle5

It's an interesting question huh Isa? It must be hope.  Not that magical thing that people always say you 'need to have' but the thing that keeps your heart pumping and your lungs inflating when you wish with everything that you are, that they wouldn't...again great poem!
 — addagirl

very ordinary.
 — DeformedLion

This is honest, straight-forward, and emotinal writing.  The first stanza sets up the strong finish perfectly.  The only problem I had was with the word "purloined," but it's no big thing, just a matter of preference; it takes nothing away from this excwllent poem.
 — PaulS

Paul, maybe stolen works better.  Purloined means the same but it does sound vaguely like a hunk of meat.  Thanks for the honest comments.
 — Isabelle5

well done Isabelle.
useless heart is my favourite line.
the branches that lay upon us so heavily seem impossible to move sometimes.

nice pain, (nice writing)
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Amazing, it seems somehow familiar. A little too much so.
 — Ellemnur

i like your opening two lines.
 — raskolniikov

LOVED IT!  thought lieu and lies was beautiful. and the last two lines equally so.
 — crimsonkiss

brilliantly put
 — rivergood

0.371s