| Mythic Proportions
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grneyeddevil
| If I had to choose | 1 |
Between you and me living | 2 |
And the whole world dying | 3 |
I would name you Eve | 4 |
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I would be adamant | 5 |
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I would eat that god-damned apple | 6 |
Again and again | 7 |
Through and through | 8 |
I would nibble right to the core of you | 9 |
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I would plant your seed | 10 |
In years to come | 11 |
Harvest hope under the sun | 12 |
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You were the one | 13 |
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No, you weren't quite ripe yet | 14 |
But delicious none the less | 15 |
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I need a weed to come and strangle | 16 |
The legend of you I've grown in my mind | 17 |
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Hauling the weight of the world in tow | 18 |
Mythic proportions I can't let go. | 19 |
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9 Apr 08 |
Rated 8.9 (8.9) by 13 users.
Active (13): 6, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)
(14 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Ooh lala...very well constructed, dear culprit. :)
— happymole
I want you to move the last 2 lines somehow. It has to end at 18. This is sexy.
— themolly
I personally like L19-20...those 2 made the poem complete. Oh well, maybe the author can make a little revision there...not necessarily dropping those lines. :)
— happymole
yeah, you should eat that fruit. its a dietary requirement.
you must have a pretty big truck.
— friedMnoodle
Alright, thanks for the great comments. I've rearranged the last lines. Let me know if it works better this way.
— grneyeddevil
Yes! Like it
— themolly
Right on! I'm here to please you. Speaking of pleasing you...... : P
— grneyeddevil
heheehheh :)
— themolly
devil....your poetic voice seems so familiar.....do you have another profile, or do I know you?????????????
— themolly
Well, actually, my ex( the one the poem is about) used to be on here as jessievideo and meltsinrain. She posted a few of my poems like 3 years back. Asa matter of fact you have one on your favorites i think. Reflections
— grneyeddevil
HA-ZA! Thanks for helping make sense of that.
— themolly
Sorry, its Pools of Reflection. Not my title. Its just a silly little hate poem to an old friend of ours. She posted one called First Sight about me that you also favorited. Oh the days of old!
— grneyeddevil
That's crazy.
— themolly
Tis a crazy world my dear! That's pretty cool that you picked that out after like 3 years.
— grneyeddevil
I wicked smart :) Ok.....not really. Just have an unusually accurate memory. Especially when it comes to art.
— themolly
OOOHHH....I'm gonna test you! Which way does it hang on the statue of David? LOL ; p
— grneyeddevil
i don't really like double spaces
but really,
when a poem is so real and good, physical appearance isn't so important
(kindof like love)??
anyway, i just flew along here, no stops,
no break...it was frantic
fantastic!
well done.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
Thanks for your kind words Ija and jen.
— grneyeddevil
Perhaps you can rid this poem of many of the 'ands." You're a writer, figure out a way to write without too many ands. (Aforbing is trying to teach me that lesson, too.)
I think presentation counts, so maybe you can ditch the double spacing. It looks wrong in such a fast paced poem.
— Isabelle5
Good crits Isabelle. I'll take a look and trim the fat.
— grneyeddevil
this is delicious, apple-wonderful. the absence of punctuation is actually a plus.
your anonymous princess
— unknown
I didn't realize how many ands I had in there. In the immortal words of Ashton Kutcher, " No more and then!!!" Thanks Isabelle. And also to you my anonymous sweet!
— grneyeddevil
Thanks for not being offended. Some people here see my name and instantly start rioting. I truly do care about the poems and the poets.
— Isabelle5
That's what this site is all about isn't it? I think some people, on both ends, forget that.
— grneyeddevil
Help not hinder. I seem to harp on the beat poets a lot, but they were united and inspirational to each other. Not catty bitches taking their frustrations out on each other.
— grneyeddevil
Not sure if I made the spacing better or worse. Interjections?
— grneyeddevil
yes, better!
— jenakajoffer
oh yes,
i love lines 5 & 13 all on their own.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
Great! Thanks for the advice jen.
— grneyeddevil
way to go, grneyeddevil!
: )
— fractalcore
Thanks fractal!
— grneyeddevil
Love it!
Well written and fun to read, easy flow. I am just not sure about L16, might be personal taste it just doesn't sit well for me.
like the Adam and Eve metaphor and I relate so much at the moment!
The ending is fabulous, ties it up lovely.
AC
— angrychick
Thank you AC! What exactly is it that doesn't sit right in L16?
— grneyeddevil
hi, it's the I need a weed bit. But if everyone else likes it including you don't change it just for me. Like I said it is a matter of taste. I just felt it sounded out of place, maybe the way it's worded.
— angrychick
Oh wow.
— advisingaway
; ) thanks
— grneyeddevil
this is well played and sings echoing off the Mythic mountains with the oh so Human verity that I'll love you through hell if thats what it takes and this makes it simply divine -- l14 - 15 are awesome too -- and the weed works to provide contrast
— AlchemiA
Thanks Alchemia. This is the first thing I could manage to write after the "one" and I broke up.
— grneyeddevil
The second either of you two little piss-ants concoct a tangible piece of writing, I'll eat my fucking cactus. Don't you have anything better to do? Isn't there a cartoon on you should be watching or something?
— grneyeddevil
So how many accounts do you have on here?
— grneyeddevil
Brilliant ! I love this! Extremely well written.
— Inspire
So Marius isn't you as well? Thinly veiled Anne Rice nom de plumes? Yes you can never have too many cacti poems!
Thanks Inspire. Much appreciated!
— grneyeddevil
that's sweet. much like the ever flowing juice of cactus dribbling from the lips of a desert nomad, lost and looking for love from sharp prickly pets.
— grneyeddevil
Lovely poem devil! Love lost....such a shame.
— sophisticunt
Oh now, I wouldn't want to rip off someone else's muse!
Thanks sophisticunt! I look forward to seeing something new by you soon. It's been awhile.
— grneyeddevil
Maybe soon but I can't seem to get much feedback on the poems I have posted already. You and a few others are the only ones that seem to be interested. Ciest la vie!
— sophisticunt
Why does this poem offend you?
— Inspire
First class work.
— unknown
I don't really understand this poem (although my Father does and it makes him laugh) but I like how it's written and the references to the bible.
— Linnac
lovely. i was still iffy on the last two lines (just because calling out for the weed is just SO good) but... mythic proportions.. adam and eve reference... i dig it.
sexy. =]
— peace
I ran into problems with this one straight away, by the second line in fact.
“Between you and me living” which of you is for the chop?
Mor.
— unknown
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
This comment has been suspended by a moderator.
Mutual chop but her axe ran deeper
She brought it up first then I decided she was a keeper
So I drank till dawn and gushed from my peepers
And wrote sappy poems like this mother(bleeper)!
— grneyeddevil
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