poetry critical

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The Mind is bored out of you
newslang5

Prologue:
"There is an odd assumption
That everything has changed.
And people aren’t quite the same."


I’ve been told you can’t write about
 1
The ten hours before the death of a dream
 2
Or listen to sad songs
 3
Covered by kids with no car keys.
 4
 
 
They say this century you’re not a success
 5
if you can’t make money singing to those who got it
 6
and you’re a joke if you hang with people who don’t got it
 7
and don’t want it.
 8
 
 
It’s been established that this sort of poem is wrong
 9
Its been done before
 10
Played out to the point where no one is listening
 11
 
 
 
 
And this wrangling, wanting, treading, trotting, dragging
 12
You’re own beaten back body
 13
down fifth avenue
 14
Erupts utter disgust and distain,
 15
A crème filled blasphemy.
 16
On streets paved for those who would scratch it
 17
with shoes made of platinum and gold.
 18
 
 
All this suffering has got them nauseous to the point where
 19
They refuse to look at you begging,  
 20
Everyone assumes someone,
 21
Anyone,
 22
has called the ambulance about your mind being bored out of you
 23
 
 
and those thoughts that are your God,
 24
you’re Jesus Christ,
 25
are busting a fuel pump and leaving you alone
 26
reminding you that that’s not enough.
 27
just like that good girl of yours
 28
that jumps the first bus home,
 29
just like the reassuring knowledge of
 30
government hand bags made from the skin and hair
 31
found in a Vonnegut novel.
 32
Just like fall out shelters that suffocate
 33
And TV shows that annihilate
 34
For fortune and fame that carry nothing but a trade mark
 35

14 Apr 08

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Comments:

Whoa
 — themolly

Good whoa or bad whoa?
 — newslang5

Good whoa, but an overloaded woah.
L5-6 got me. Nice.
It's coherent enough, but I get the distinct impression that you were offloading. I think that it could use a little bit of a cull here and there.
Much enjoyed though.



... always clap.
 — heat-her

I like quick gestures. They're raw and truthful, not too showy. I really like 16-22 The first 3 lines don't flow with me well though.
 — CrudeEcstasy

Thanks crude i will try to have an updated version as soon as possible
 — newslang5

it's kinda flabby and jiggly but i liked it
17-18 really caught my eye
 — chuckle_s

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