poetry critical

online poetry workshop



On the Other Side of a Spring Moon - For Ka
Isabelle5

Her laughter went before her,
 1
echoing in e-mails and message boards,
 2
fully involved with living
 3
but dying, just the same.
 4
 
 
The same?  Oh, no -
 5
the difference was the warmth
 6
flowing out, the heady ambition
 7
that one day simply sailed neatly
 8
over the Moon to another page
 9
in Fate’s unending book.
 10
 
 
In glowing health and peace,
 11
she walks with her soul mates,
 12
reading ancient poetry
 13
while waiting for her ‘others’
 14
to find their way home.
 15

16 Apr 08

Rated 7 (7.5) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Amen.
 — starr

Twinkle, twinkle, Little Ka...I wish I could hug everyone today.  
 — Isabelle5

beautiful.
 — themolly

blessed be, the Heart of the Poet has longing as her compass, always going home --
 — AlchemiA

I miss her most because she was always so happy and warm.
 — wendz

see you around, ka.
: )
 — fractalcore

just found out about our friend. such sorrow.  this was good for me to read.
 — onklcrispy

Thanks for the 1.  Why did you bother?  This isn't about the poem, it's about the poet we are honoring.
 — Isabelle5

a 1 to try and balance out the 10's...you should click the omit from top rated squaure. There are MUCH better poems that should be in the top rated.

and, really, i expect better of you.
 — DeformedLion

^ WTf  , what is wrong with you DL ?
square = moron and also in your profile its " breathe " not breath , idiot.
Go and tidy your room.
Isabelle5 lovely poem.
 — unknown

Is it your duty to 'balance out' the poems here?  Did you even know Ka, did you care?  

Show me the errors of the poem instead of judging it by your own subjectivity, how about?  This is what I believe about death.  You can't judge that but please feel free to point out where the poem is weak.  That's the point of critique and I think we have forgotten that fact.  
 — Isabelle5

You know I always get confused about the whole breath/breathe thing nowadays...I never used to-- I think it may be a sign of some impending nuerological disease.
You know I really should tidy my room, are you spying on me?

And you do realise it says "poetrycritical" up in corner there? but, alas, my feelings about the work don't seem to matter-- nor does anything, matter, that is.
 — DeformedLion

There is no such thing as a book that never ends.
 — DeformedLion

I didn't know the person you're writing about, but it sounds as if she was well liked.  This is a wonderful, compassionate tribute poem Isabelle.  Well written and very much deserving of every 10 it recieves.
 — PaulS

yes it says poetry critical ,

a 1 to try and balance out the 10's...you should click the omit from top rated squaure. There are MUCH better poems that should be in the top rated.

and, really, i expect better of you

sorry , cant see the critique ? , just an arse.
 — unknown

I was responding to a question: "Why did you bother?"

--my reply was adequate and, as you say, not a critique
 — DeformedLion

Metaphor, Life goes on, the spirit is a non-dying energy.  
 — Isabelle5

No, life doesn't go on. That's the point of it.
 — DeformedLion

I don't agree with you.  My experience is that life does go on.  But this isn't the place to argue that, is it?  This was about respect for a friend who died.  If you didn't know her, the best thing would be for you to read and move on or not read at all.  The title clearly states the poem's intention.  
 — Isabelle5

Yes, well.... but don't you don't L5 to be quite a strange bit of writing?...consider removing it.
 — DeformedLion

No, line 5 is fine as is.  It's a 'spoken' type of poem, as if I'm telling you about Ka and what she was.  Stop thinking of the "ka' poems as something you have to fix and take them as eulogies from those of us who loved her.
 — Isabelle5

yes, but did you really love her?
 — DeformedLion

What's that to you?  Did I love her?  What an amazing question to ask!  
 — Isabelle5

I don't have a problem with it being in the top rated. That list is never the best poems on the site, but the ones that attract a lot of attention and little negative reaction.

This is nice to read, and a nice tribute to a friend, but it's not good poetry.
 — diz

What don't you like about it, please? What is not good poetry about it?
 — unknown

ka. thanks for all the memories.
-midare
 — unknown

Oh its just that "love" is not the vibe I am getting from the poem...
 — DeformedLion

I hope you were asking because you really want to know. Since you asked.

l1 - cliche, stilted language.
l2 - abstraction, emails don't echo.
l3 - abstraction, "fully involved with living" as opposed to what? only partially living? are there living people who aren't fully involved with living? I don't know any.
l4-5 - Rhetorical questions are a passive and drab writing device. Sorry.
l6 - Difference from what? Other deaths? Are other deaths less meaningful because the people had no warmth flowing out? Or is her death different from her life because she had warmth flowing out when she was living? Either way, there's a problem there.
l7 - "heady ambition" I don't know what that means. There's no paint.
l8-9 - "sailed over the moon" seems like a particularly weak and kind of trite metaphor for death.
l10 - "Fate's unending book" seems trite to me. Fate is an abstraction, an unending book is an abstraction.
l11 - "glowing health and peace" abstraction, health and peace don't glow.
l12 - "soul mates" - abstraction.
l13 - The significance of "ancient" poetry is lost on me. What specific ancient poetry? Sapho? Li Bai? Solomon? Those are some ancient poets. But they don't have much in common.
l14 - 15 - Introduces a new actor "her 'others'" out of nowhere. Find their way home is cliche.

I appreciate that you are eulogizing your friend, and I respect your right to do so. I respect others' right to vote this to the top. But don't try to tell me it's good poetry. It's not.

I didn't know ka. I will go read her poems when I have time. I was hoping one of the ka poems would give me a sense of who she was as a person. I don't get much of that from this.
 — unknown

^^^^^
sorry, forgot to sign.
 — diz

see? that's all I was saying, I just couldn't be bothered saying it...and it was sort of obvious. Thanks diz, for saving me from saying. hmm...
 — DeformedLion

What you need to understand is that I see things differently than you do.  I believe in life as being eternal, I believe Paradise has a huge library and since we are poets, I expect to find Ka in the shelves, reading poetry written however long ago poetry was written.  As for fully involved with living - I'm sure you know people who seem to be sleep-walking through life, letting things happen, going along with the crowd, never vibrant or really 'there' when you see them.  

Thank you for the comments.  This is a poem written in the first flush of sadness and good-bye and although I appreciate your views, they are not the views of the poet, they will stand this time, as they were mainly for Ka and those who knew her, not for those who didn't.  I'm sorry we don't have an area that you need a password to get into but this is an open forum, the best we have.

I would love to see what kind of poem you write when a friend dies.  
 — Isabelle5

But, Isabelle, unless caught in something as blatant as a grammatical or spelling error, your words always stand. You asked to be told where your poem was weak. diz, like I have on numerous occasions, put a lot of effort into doing exactly that, and you did what you always do, you explained it away, or tried to. But it doesn't wash, Isabelle. It's not good. You have written a poem that would make ka go "ick". Don't you think that making your poem better would be more in the spirit of ka? I sure do.
 — unknown

I was afraid your response would be a personal attack like that. "You're not a poet." Like that matters. Don't ask a question if you're not willing to listen to the answer.
-diz
 — unknown

btw, you don't have to look far to find my dead friend poem.
 — diz

I appreciate the comments and sometime next week, I'll try to revisit them.  I'm busy at work right now but you have a point, of course, we're here to get better.

You might keep in mind that I have a different vision and the words I choose are carefully thought out.  But I do like the spirit you've presented your comments in, that's what our community is about.

imc
 — Isabelle5

"But this isn't the place to argue that, is it?"

Well, apparently this is exactly the place to argue over the content of poems, Isabelle, as you've repeatedly shown by your commenting style. Give your head a shake please, and remember that what you have posted is up for debate in any way, by anyone. If you want to share your little speedily-rendered-first-to-the-post tribute (which it so obviously is) with "those who knew her", then why not just email it to them all, rather than posting it on a critical board?  
 — unknown

I meant not the place to argue over whether or not the spirit keeps living.  Read the fine print!  
 — Isabelle5

I'd like to know why people get jealous and spiteful when it's not them in the spotlight.  
 — unknown

First four lines are great and in my opinion could stand alone as a poem.
 — cowork

Beautiful! This is eloquent and touching. Good job!
 — grneyeddevil

Man...it's been more than a year since we got that email from sam/Ka's sister. At the risk of having to dredge up more idiocy and banality, who can measure love? Who is DL to say how much and whether or not we loved Ka?

Not everybody has an analysis for a heart, or a hypothesis for a brain.

Some of us feel, and that's why some of us write.

And some of us miss Ka, and some of us express that in writing.

And that's all there really is to it.
 — wendz

lovelylittle piece

thank you for reposting it
 — funes

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