poetry critical

online poetry workshop

These 'Theses'

You may not like her, in a world
where everyone jades a face
she dons
a mask of erotic truth.
Worth more than twenty one and a half thousand years
melted and weighed in gold.
A harlot for aliveness
She is.
To her
loneliness is a gift, solitude
A miscarriage of several 'theses'
she walks along, carpe diem
with Valiums of life.
Old pair of shoes.
This is her prologue.
The virgin heiress
of sojourning truths
Her beauty whored
to Mediterranean's grief.
Perhaps, you may still not like her.

19 Apr 08

Rated 6 (7.7) by 6 users.
Active (6): 1, 7, 8, 8, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 1, 1, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(7 users consider this poem a favorite)

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nice slap-dance with fans -- jade the face is nice -- nice control of line and concision -- this stops and starts simply at your will, and i read it and jerk from side to side... a kind of dance. very real writing -- reading it i just simply have to admire the way you've controlled the read -- i'm stuck at this -- it's so musical in the way that poetry is a song without music. jeeps, nice writing. i wonder if people will read this as you wrote it? they'd have to really be keen, and most people read poetry here as though it was smart thoughts with line-break.

nice writing.
 — joey

nice... reading these blind, i'm always hoping that a poem i really like here is by someone i already know and respect. even the poets i like here sometimes write crap and i'm hoping that this might be one of them and they got this one "right". this is pretty fine, trochee.

the articulation in this is very like some smart piano music from the early twentieth century... ravel or mompou or granados... that kind of snap and harmonic control.
 — joey

This choreography is astonishingly taut. It is so fresh to see a poet weigh the value of antiquity. The staccato line breaks almost topple your Muse, but she holds on--
in her old shoes. I can glimpse a masked smile in the final line.

beautiful writing, author
 — banditfemme

humm, bandita, i wonder if you're hearing this as a modern poem? just saying stuff doesn't mean stuff, and this really is about dancing a specific kind of dance -- the muse is the dance, not the "image" or "symbol" presented... maybe for Racine, but not for us. we can't.
 — joey

hmmm -- I like her and her philos is alive -- I read this three times and once out loud and it is encapsulated in taps with soft shoe glides to dust it up -- L20 does not arrive in my mind but even the 'imagist' renderings here ring the Truth of now -- we are each travelogues and so-jounery in words -- the sin-theses of virgin heresies and whole'rd beauty are the wild Truth in Dance -- well made trochee
 — AlchemiA

hmm, very nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

It was intriguing! If it were a prologue to something, I would have continued.
 — OKcomputer

Nice ratings, also ;)
 — OKcomputer

thank you joey. *takes a bow*
 — trochee

banditfemme, thanks a lot for reading.
Alchemia, fractalcore and OKC thanks for liking the woman.
 — trochee

Seriously who's the idiot who rated this poem 1.........At least have the poetic integrity to tell us why your genius mind found this poem to be deserving a paltry 1......
 — unknown

 — unknown

Can I meet her?? ;)
 — timsworld

Reminds me of a children's cartoon where the cat allegedly called them ......those meeses. Any relation?
 — unknown

thanks unknown no.1 ... its probably to knock me down from top-rated list.
thanks for reading 'gooood' unknown.
You cant. she's mine.

unknown theres no relation to the cartoon per se. but thanks a lot for reading.
 — trochee

Are you referring to old traditions, religions, countries or something else?  
 — Isabelle5

the texture in this is the texture of this one, and i know her, but we didn't date. she's interested, but only in the way she's interested in your response to her shoes... you wouldn't want to wake up next to her after a drunk, but you might end up marrying her by mistake. she's universally "unique", and exclusively "common"... sometimes i've heard her read poetry, but not her own.
 — joey

so brilliant.
 — themolly

Does she happen to be an Aries with horn rimmed glasses? Very alluring read. The flow is fantastic!
 — grneyeddevil

hi isabelle
i am simply referring to this particular woman.
 — trochee

thanks again joey.
and molly, greeneyedevil thanks for reading my pome.
 — trochee

immensely gorgeous,
a starlet whore of a poem troch.

 — jenakajoffer

hmm, line 7 "aliveness"...
my only pick here,
surely there is something stronger for this lovely piece?

don't mind me.
 — jenakajoffer

wohoo.. i like this one...
 — alambre

 — unknown

hello jena.
thanks for the comments. ill think about "aliveness" but some folks like it this way.
and yes i dont mind you at all but i'd rathe keep the mystery alive.

thanks alambre and refreshin unknown.
 — trochee

In L7,the 'for aliveness' didn't quite so fit in right according to me and also L20 interrupted the flow of the poem.
Absolutely loved the way you have regulated the lines though.Its captivating !
 — sarma

thanks sarma.
 — trochee

The last line may read better as 'Perhaps, you may not like her still'?  Or perhaps I'm nit-picking ( -:

Like this the more I read it
 — sherains

maybe in a poem you get to use an un-natural wording because the poem is an invention of nature. the way this "you may still..." reads makes me read it and not simply nod my head in mindless agreement with some sentiment.
 — joey

good point, actually because it's worded the way it is it kept my attention even after the last line.  Nevermind, well done!
 — sherains

actually, for whatever reason -- my mom's canadian family maybe -- "you may still..." sounds very normal to me, though i had to double read it in this since i was expecting the other form. but, really, when you look at the sounds he's using to construct this with, it's just admirable that that last phrase comes off not sounding cliche', and i think it has to do with "sojourning truths" setting a memory space in advance for the final -- showing us some sounds and how we can enjoy them while reading for meaning. "beauty whored", while sounding like one of those things people praise as so "verbally inventive -- in the new yorker reviews -- actually is a regression into chop-chop wording, taking us out of tactile and simply "saying something". i remember my disappointment at this point, when i first read this -- and i kept reading hoping that the author hadn't just had an aneurism. "mediterranean's grief" is pretty amazing, the author kept the energy level -- and then the "perhaps", which is so smooth, so sophisticated here, leading us to the final inevitable phrase. very nice reading. i really couldn't have written this --  i'm simply too wired to stop and look at what's she's wearing... i've really no culture, and this In It's Wording is a very cultured poem. it's also about some literary things too. :)
 — joey

after reading your comment and reading the poem a few times more I see now the last line was worded with perfect thought.  Ending it with 'still' is what some would expect, but then it would be in total objection to the rest of the poem.  Ending it with 'perhaps, you may not like her still' would be a let down.  

Great poem, and great comments, a perfect use of this site!
 — sherains

thanks sherains.
and thank you joey. that was quite a comment.
 — trochee

yep, i still hate aliveness.
but i love the poem.
 — jenakajoffer

i think i will favourite this today.
 — jenakajoffer

I love this. :)
 — CrystalSong

I don't like 'aliveness' but I do like the flowing gait of the rest - mostly.
 — opal

This poem is the literary equivalent of Valium.  It's all right.
 — unknown