|Youth – It will Soon be Over
Cold, I am like a figure
Of the midnight sky,
My skin reflects all the eyes
Which taste me in their greed –
Youth, it will be over soon,
Enough of the heartache of these things
Love is mortal, and so is beauty,
Only the mosaic of the stars
Truly haunts me now,
For a part of me has died
Socializing with a thousand
Human needs, all different,
Yet all the same, and selfishly so –
Cold, I am like the death of urges
That outlived their uses long ago,
Incandescent like the transcending hours
Time erases old attachments,
Priorities reversing their tides.
* * *
23 Apr 08
Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Inactive (2): 8, 9, 10
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Like it. The beginning is tighter than the middle, and the end is just perfect...priorities schmimorities! Love the perspective. Nice to have someone new here with gusto. Welcome to Poetry Critical.-cori
Gutso? I wasn't aware I possessed that quality, but thanks for the review.
cold as youth flat-lining in |1. how about
"Love is [im]mortal, and so is beauty," for
| 8 to convey more meaning with the same
emphasis on the mortal quality of those
concepts? did you really go for "transcending"
rather than "transcendent" in |17?
if you wanna keep the string of stars in |20
then you'll have to make it as long as that
just some thoughts if they'd work for you, sir.
Well I wanted to moreover portray the limitation of love as an object of human happiness. (hence mortal rather than immortal) But you are right about the transcendent part, I just prefer transcending in this context. Thanks for taking the time.
This is a fine piece of writing, and I understand what you're trying to portray, but I also think it would have more impact if you broke it up into four or five stanzas. That's just my opinion and takes nothing away from the poem. I really like the power of the last two lines. Welcome to PC.
so you want your piece to land flat and grounded
on a single level unable to really "transcend" though
very much enticed by the stars which are very much
out there in the cosmos and anchored on the
"universal". change is universal as whatever that's
young and new now will become old and replaced or
displaced with/by something else in time -- no matter
how superficially apparent/observable that fact is.
the little death of urges is evolution presenting itself at
a minute scale and the series of these little deaths will
eventually lead you to the core of a star -- whose certainty
already manifests in your being haunted by their mosaic --
and so on and so forth.
"transcendent" has both the dynamic quallity and sonic
effect you need in that particular line and there are more
than just three stars in the cosmos so maximize your
fascination to complement your ||1 and 9. otherwise,
what the puke are ||1 and 20 doing there?
plus Love in the metaphysical/universal sense surely
puts people/things through certain amounts of struggle
and/or agony, honing them for the better very much like
your piece is already good as it is but just missing some
very important points.
btw, thanks for the read.
too tongue-tied to say anything now, dear sir?
grneyeddevil, what do you think of this?
Wow! Heavy. I think line breaks are in order. This is a thick steak to digest and smaller bits would let the reader take it in. Something like:
i am like a a figure of the midnight sky
reflects all the eyes which taste me to their greed
it will be over soon
enough of the heartache of these things
love is mortal
and so is beauty
As far as content, this is a mini philosophy discussion. Who's to say if love and beauty are mortal or a constant in our human collective. One could argue that love IS eternal because its one of the things that drives all humans to do something more than exist and die. The writer doesn't feel that way. At least not right now. Pretty darn good piece Eloha! I'll rate this one later when the steak is properly digested. ; )