poetry critical

online poetry workshop


*  Not written as a poem but as just one of my blues (again).
Shallow morning keeps the sun
while purple evening hides a gun
You went away and so we’re done
found my heaven when you’re gone
You know there’s nothing more than shit
when you think that you ain’t fit
When I’m feeling down a bit
I know I’m smaller than a hobbit
When all my thoughts remain unknown
will mystery reveal to you
That I’m broken and I’m blown
So I’ll just play some crazy blues
This tempting trigger triggers me
I ain’t a fool but I can be
I’m lying next to thousand signs
That everest will soon be mine
I paid my dues.

28 Apr 08

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


bluesy and lyrical, happymole.

nice use of "hobbit" there. my most
favorite stanza is the first one.
: )
 — fractalcore

so, this is a song... and, if it's a song, then it can't be critted here, which is good, cause it's not a very good song.
 — joey

haha, oh joey
 — sherains

I don't want to comment on the poetry, I only want to say that this is one of the sadder pieces here.  If it's your life, I hope you don't do this.  Time does heal and wounds (and wounds all heels so always be a nice person).  I can imagine this sung by Keith Urbin, whose voice I like very much.  
 — Isabelle5

Hi there! :)

Uhm,  I dunno but preference is relative, right?  Anyway, if this song hits the wave sometime soon, I'll keep you posted.  :)

Thanks for dropping by.  Hope you'll find some time to critique my other poems so I can do some revisions to improve them.  


The first stanza is my favorite too.

Hello there.

Yes, this is about my life.  I've been into this struggle for quite some time now.  There are moments that I'm being provoked to choose a convenient escape than accept facts/truths including the existence of pain inflicted to me 8 years ago.  To forgive is an act that is still strange to me.  Anyway, thanks for that hopeful tone of yours.  :)

by the way, did you mean Keith Urban?
 — happymole

this is actually kinda funny
good stuff!
 — chuckle_s

Thank you so much, chuckle_s.  :)
 — happymole

if this "hits the wave" it wouldn't mean anything here. it'd be like joe-billy-joel doing a drag on elton john with a rhyme-slime about the greatful dead, on american idol... it wouldn't have anything to do with poetry or with anyone here. as you intuit, i wouldn't even know if your song got mtv'd because i just wouldn't care anymore.
 — joey

I like L 1 and 14. Don't care for any of the rest of it. Especially the use of hobbit. You can do better!
 — grneyeddevil