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The Frustration of Maps
fireballems

Prussian blue water stares
 1
placidly, almost antagonizingly,
 2
at me
 3
from my lap at the side of the highway.
 4
The Moon
 5
tries tapping my
 6
shoulder and whispering in my ear—trying
 7
to tell me: “Keep going. You’re
 8
close.”
 9
 
 
But my focus
 10
is on the inch to mile ratio,
 11
the name of a town where
 12
in 1881 an infamous gun battle took place
 13
and the smoke is still dissipating,
 14
the tiny roads that look like veins
 15
on a woman who has been standing her
 16
entire
 17
life.
 18
 
 
The light
 19
in my car flickers.
 20
I lose
 21
my place.
 22

4 May 08

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Comments:

i changed a few parts, if anyone cares
 — fireballems

pretty nice actually.

me, i've given up on maps a long time
ago 'coz i can't read them, hehe.
: )
 — fractalcore

thanks. actually?
 — fireballems

act-chew-alley.
: )
 — fractalcore

good?
 — fireballems

reel-lei?

really.
: )
 — fractalcore

Interesting.  Line 16 - woman who, not woman that.  That's a good line, the veins on the map to the veins on the leg.  

You might want to put something about the paper on your lap in the first verse, otherwise, it sounds as if you've peed blue on your lap.   It might be stronger if you start at the side of the road.

Parked on the side of a strange highway,
the map in my lap throwing blue light
as the moon....etc, etc.  

Nice last 4 lines.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks isabella5. at least one change made
 — fireballems

this captures that numinous territory of map management and the play of light and shadows in our minds eye -- well textured imagery carries this lyrically --
 — AlchemiA

thanks, AlchemiA.
 — fireballems

Does it really seem as if the speaker's peed?
 — fireballems

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