|High(way) drunk-en(d) mast-err
of cats run wry of mew
reduced to tasty chew
after lonely car runs
through midnight dew.
deny inner skunks
as flies decide to hover
else where over rotting
hunts run over in the mist
by blurred indulgence
and echoing laughter.
Re-peep again, didn't quite see,
the old man demanding a fee,
A whore or two, maybe a nun?
Damn it, I can't see in the sun....
God's come in a truck,
Charging at me, what luck,
He's come to give me all that
And come to show me that
you earn what you serve.
4 May 08
Rated 9.5 (8.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (13): 4, 4, 5, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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whoa! ex-sell-lent kong-foo sty-ell.
boo-duh bliss ewe.
and, the folks which refuses it are few.
Ape-re-tea-ate comb-in-to you; Get-sing H(i) just re-adding them.
Is Joey bee-(sti)ng nigh-ce or he-(den) me-men hard to foe-low?
This definitely has style, and is a pretty buff piece :) I like it.
I really like this! The phrases and play on words you use are awesome. I like how it's as though the subject is drunkenly dreaming through this story you portray, so to speak, and suddenly BAM last stanza.
... buuuuuut l21-22 sound forced and cheesy. that's all I'd fix. ;3
"they call it good old mountain dew,
and the folks who refuses it are few.
you can hush up my mug,
if you fill up my jug,
with that good old mountain dew."
Thank you Aziel for the read. About the last two lines.....hmmm...it's a tricky affair; I am open to all and any potent(chilli) I-deals.
And to joey; my pa(w)pa always to say that mount-on-you can only keep the d(n)umb quiet and the blind(s) stal(k)ing.
and the folks that refutes it are few. hic. cheers
don't make fur gud wordin' though.
I love line 17
I love the 'home bounding drunks' but forget the rhymes, it aint no crime(s), its like every other line isnt poetry, its just fabricated to match. 8/10, halved for copying(the rhyme)
Thank you shaunsout but I think I'll hold on to the rhymes for this one; they were meant to make the poem sound sarcastic and frivolous- pretty much the same way drunk people perceive their and other people's life's worth.
you earn what you serve - that's interesting!
rolls eyes* over my head!