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forever sung
DeformedLion

apples, guinea pigs, and spiders
 1
line the streets
 2
and sing the song that makes
 3
us feel beautiful
 4
 
 
with form and flower, hair
 5
shining, light blessed melody
 6
that is rose and red--
 7
crisp red, softly petals
 8
fall like day
 9
 
 
and the sun has touched the
 10
sky
 11
and the moon has been wrapped, bound,
 12
gagged in the stench of
 13
writhing bodies spilling
 14
themselves into sex--
 15
 
 
bodies only; warm, lush
 16
dipped in sun
 17
luminous-- shining
 18
molten
 19
 
 
fuck. and quivers, short
 20
breath and down
 21
into useless rags
 22
while outside
 23
nature sweeps by on wind
 24
and bee,
 25
on the puff of clouds,
 26
the sound of movement
 27
and the way a branch
 28
brushes against the
 29
skin; coarse and
 30
beautiful.
 31
 
 
like a song felt in the marrow,
 32
the bone, beneath skin
 33
and over head. like
 34
sun and a lovers warmth,
 35
a gentle song--
 36
 
 
forever sung.
 37

4 May 08

Rated 10 (9.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (4): 1, 9, 9, 10

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Comments:

Wow, I really like this; the way it flows, the words you use, just, everything about it really.
:-)
 — dele

Thanks.

Anybody else?
 — DeformedLion

removed "the" from L25...
 — DeformedLion

lovely poem.
very delicate, with the sights and sounds of nature creating a colourful vision in my mind, but for the pure fuck (which i really don't understand, sorry).
what if line one started with 'apples line the streets; guinea pigs and spiders sing the song..." I only say this because I find the three clumped in the beginning a little much.  two maybe, but three just doesn't seem to fit.

you have written about the sun and moon in a way that makes me glad to have seen it there.  (only i wouldn't mention the sun again in line 18, the body could just be 'dipped', making us think of sex.  
("wrapped, bound, gagged", i find too many actions going on here).

i love how "nature sweeps by on wind and bee", my favourite.
the ending is very beautiful.
i give a purple rating.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

I think maybe the "pure fuck" is there to add a bit of contrast, for me, between what is anamalistic as opposed to the spiritual or emotional side of things (aka lovemaking)...
as the poem is essentially about expressing something beautiful, something of nature as it relates to the human experience...that whole perception gig.

No, maybe its about music. ok, i don't know. sue me.

I just like the way it feels on my body...maybe it has soul, maybe it doesn't...kind of makes me think I might have one.
 — DeformedLion

Damn it!  I knew i spelt "animalistic" wrong...

nah, the bodies have to be dipped in sun. i think you make a good point about the first line though.

Thanks for your comment Jen, much appreciated.
 — DeformedLion

Hi linus,
i should sue you.  of course this is your tender poem, and you are intitled to your contrast and all the ways it feels on your body,
but i see nothing good about line 16 at all.  it sounds juvenile and cheap.
i CAN see leaving the other fuck in there, because 'molten fuck' is quite nice and does have a place here, (in your mind of tenderness).

could you smoothen line 12 with "and the moon has been wrapped and bound"?
L's 17-20 are my least fave lines here, for rhythmic reasons. but that's jusme.

this is musical and you do probably
have soul.
nice write with or w/out my complaints.
 — jenakajoffer

Ok. you've turned me against "pure fuck". Yes, too explicit.  I'll remove it later.

And maybe the "moon" can just be wrapped. The 3 are certainly a bit much.

Thanks again.
 — DeformedLion

hmm, very promising.

the 1st strophe is giving away the "song"
prematurely plus the images here are quite
unnecessary. i'd start with the 2nd strophe
without |9.

||10 & 11 should be merged and stand alone
without the "and" but with a long hyphen at
its tail.

the 3rd strophe shall now start with "the moon
is wrapped, bound" and continue with ||13-15
unchanged.

|17 should be "dipped in deep".

just my humble suggestions if they work for you,
sir, but what were you trying to do with the multiple
appearance of some words here?

however, if you are not that apt to revise your already
lovely piece then how about "repeat refrain" for a title?

yes, lovely work nevertheless.

: )
 — fractalcore

btw, ||18-37 shall remain unchanged.

: )
 — fractalcore

!
 — unknown

okay then...thanks for the !
 — DeformedLion

the l10 - 31 are wondrous and bring the Alchemy of Sex and Nature into a flowing flowering jazz-scape -- with the last strophe carrying the song further into silence -- here you've gathered us to the magic we are as dancers in Nature under Moon and under Sun inside out without a doubt -- forever sung sends me reeling
 — AlchemiA

Oh how I love your comments Alch, thanks man.

and fractal, I have been think about tinkering around with L10-13, maybe move "and the moon" up to L11 for a sort of feint...or not.
Thought about what you said about cutting the first strophe, not exactly comfortable with that, but maybe i'll start at L3 (removing the 'and')--
makes it rather direct, forceful...
but there are many things that can be done with this, and it is still fresh, my brain is swirling. Passivity is my game.
 — DeformedLion

no, i'd totally do away with |3 -- along with |4 -- as it contradicts
with the tone in the last few lines. the real "singing" is demonstrated
here as a crescendo of sorts and is started at |5.

besides, this is not like a regular lengthy jazz poem and it could
really use a trim-down if it were even to surf the airwaves of local,
mainstream pop radio.

the general cannot talk to his comrades in a sternly squeaky
manner while they all still got their pajamas on, dreaming the night
away in la-la boot camp. he should sing the song with -- rather than
orchestrate it for -- everyone else.

which brings my attention to ||32-37; in the case suggested, it
should be something like

melody in the marrow,
the bone, beneath skin
and over head; sun
and lovers warm --
a gentle song

forever sung.


that's how i'd write/read it, is all.
hope you're not annoyed.
: )
 — fractalcore

or forget it. "melody" there can be read as
"malady" and it's bad. your piece has a lovely
sound/sonics/phonetics to it, as it is. if that's
what you were going for then so be it. my version
only rids your piece of that charm.

: )
 — fractalcore

what do you mean
you can hardly write anymore??
cheer up
punk!  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

just before the bloom the bud struggles slow, feeling the no go, then you know the flowers grow like synapses firing in a wild coalescence of neurons gathering to glow a shiny new glow -- write on you crazy diamond
 — AlchemiA

Well, this is probably the best thing I have written in the last month or so and I don't find myself in a place where I think I can do "it" again. I am like oil on the waters surface, beneath me are all the words in the world, everything is close but still so far out of reach.
The strange thing is this "block" of mine- I don't really mind it. Its rather unsettling; to not be who I think I am.
 — DeformedLion

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