poetry critical

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shorty
marco

Hey little girl you keep my mind  afloat
 1
And your beauty keeps my mind lost on the seas
 2
and How I wish you gave me a little kiss
 3
Because your lips are the water I need
 4
And your beauty is all I care for
 5
Because without you there is nothing that keeps me on afloat over the seas
 6
how I wish you knew about this little girl
 7
Because I can hide this love that I have over you little girl
 8
how I wish that you feel the same way as I do little girl
 9
Because I feel like drowning on the sea little girl
 10
Jest let me know how you feel after you read this little girl
 11

9 May 08

Rated 5 (7.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

I really like how the poem opens up in lines 1-4. Sounded sweet :)
 — Dreamer89

mind the punctuation or we have difficulties to follow you...

is 'of flout" standard English ? i think you mean afloat...
 — greenmantle

nice poem
 — unknown

After awhile it just sounds like you're a total creepoid, repeating "little girl" over and over. There are some half-formed emotions here, but really the whole thing is a drag of one thought and very unnecessary.
 — mindbodysoul

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