| From this gnawing distance
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trochee
| I trim the wicks, | 1 |
replenish fuel, | 2 |
wind clockworks and brush windows | 3 |
while you indulge | 4 |
your bones of Machiavellian strength | 5 |
against violet-tinted daydreams and merlot lit nights. | 6 |
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"God's surviving nymph. | 7 |
The beautiful scar on a rock. A muse." | 8 |
A mermaid dreaming of vineyards. | 9 |
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There are sailors | 10 |
besotted | 11 |
and this lighthouse keeper | 12 |
a mythical being. | 13 |
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These parallel lives | 14 |
have grown staircases | 15 |
where your favorite | 16 |
winds | 17 |
fumble. | 18 |
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10 May 08 |
Rated 8.5 (8.1) by 10 users.
Active (10): 1, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I've enjoyed watching this poem evolve. It's interesting to watch you tinker with your end strophe. The precise attention to detail is elegant yet restrained. This poem stirs a fondness for the solitary and meticulous lighthouse keeper. I'd like to know more about him. Perhaps you could rewind that last strophe with its focus exclusively on him. Just a thought.
— unknown
thanks good unknown.
a poem exclusively on the keeper is on the verge.
thanks for reading mate.
— trochee
I look forward to poem which features exclusively the keeper. He does all the work, after all. The mermaid merely swishes her scales decoratively. His painstaking process is what counts.
— banditfemme
good poem, i particulary liked lines 14 and 15. you mentioned the nymph and scar in another one of your poems i read, but i can't remember which one. i prefer to write themed poetry aswell. i enjoyed this.
— raskolniikov
word clash between l3 and l17... could be sorted out surely...
good use of language otherwise.
good poem.
— unknown
Great imagery and use of words. Love the title. It creates a parallel between the mundane and our fantasies. At least that is what I took from it.
— dividedwhole
thanks BF i'd make sure you dont have to wait long.
rask - thanks for reading, the poem you ant remember is Papillon
thanks for reading good unknown the word clash is taken care of... i guess.
thank you DW. take whatever you want, just please dont hurt me.
— trochee
lines 14 -15, thanks to banditfemme.
— trochee
beautiful trochee,
beatiful, trochee.
either way i mean beautiful
person and poem
to blend in such a way.
other thoughts:
why is merlot separated as two words?
and L12:
"there is this" causes me to stumble out of your dance.
the ending is so perfect it kills.
love it.
— jenakajoffer
thanks jenny.
i thought thats how mer lot is written or maybe thats how the french prefer.
and yep line 12 should be better now?
— trochee
well, i guess i wouldn't know anything about the french, but damn, it looks weird like that.
i still find 12-13 forcing its way into poetic
when i am wanting to feel some gentle simplicity.
i am sorry if i am being a pain
but i don't care much unless i really like something,
and i really like this.
make those lines as lovely as the last ones!
=-)
— jenakajoffer
This is absolutely beautiful. I LOVE L's 14-18. It's the kind of Poetry I wish I could write! :-)
— starr
Will you look who it is! Oh, Troch...this is beautiful, dude! I love IT and I love YOU! Peaceout, brotha. :-)
— starr
I enjoyed every line here. Is fumble the right word for 19? That's unexpected.
— Isabelle5
Merlot, it's one word, my dear.
— Isabelle5
-- this is beauty under stated and lighting up the sea and sky for all besotted peregrinated sailors -- that there are vineyards waiting with Mermaids pouring a glass and smiling alas -- here you've gathered the reader to the crushing power of the myth and sea, that lives in each of us as wonders be
— AlchemiA
hey starr thanks for leaving those white chocolate trails.
thanks man.
thank you isabelle. isnt unexpected good? 'fumble' seems apt.
ok jen.. i think its just you =-)
— trochee
I guess I think of the wind as not being able to fumble. Stumble as in falling up those staircases but fumble seems to imply trying to hold something, which does not seem to fit with the poem. I am seeing this as wishes, dreams, hopes. Not feeling anyplace for a fumble. But it's your poem, if that's what you need, that's fine with me!
— Isabelle5
WOOHOO! Your poem is #1 at this minute, Trochee!
— Isabelle5
This reminds me of something I wrote recently, but yours is so much more eloquent. It's strange, because there's mention of 'violet' and mermaids in mine, too.
L3, 7-9, 12-15 are my absolute favorite, just rarely used phrases that hold oceans of glory.
— Aziel
This is quite good. Accelerating, then well times slowing of pace,
good original imagery, strong ending.
keep doing wonderful things with words
— joshcoops
What a beautiful piece of writing! The metaphors, imagery, and word choice are impecable. Dam, I wish I could write like this.
— PaulS
thanks bella.
fumble as in "Making one's way clumsily or blindly" (pssst: fumbling on the staircase)
=-)
— trochee
thanks Azy, ill definitely checkout yours soon.
josh thanks for the kind words.
hey paul thanks for the encouragement.
thank you all.
— trochee
nice work Trochee. the first stanza is mind-blowing, but in a good way. and you end it wonderfully.
— listen
nice poem
— stout
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