| A Pocketful of Poses
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trochee
| a seamstress at a sewing machine with legs and arms criss-crossing everywhere | 1 |
mending abstract souvenirs | 2 |
charred by wedded queens and pansy kings | 3 |
whose clothes you'd adorned | 4 |
and bosoms chiseled and chided in a horde | 5 |
of bastard poses | 6 |
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had you worn those thimble thumbs | 7 |
and ignored the bobbins at the unrequited piano | 8 |
the Moonlight Sonata would have been profoundly fathomed | 9 |
and your life | 10 |
seamless melancholic | 11 |
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a seamstress at a sewing machine with her age | 12 |
and dreams criss-cross everywhere | 13 |
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14 May 08 |
Rated 8.3 (7.5) by 15 users.
Active (15): 1, 1, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (6): 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
yes, i love this poem. it finds a lot inside my self.
moolight sonata, playing melancholic in my ears
last night.
there are fixies needed
line breaks and maybe a few other things
but i don't care right now.
i just really enjoyed it,
and thank you for writing.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
trochee!!!
wow...am i surprised--
and happy this is yours!
holy poet,
i adore this.
— jenakajoffer
aah thanks jen.
an underdog is always full of surprises.
lookin forward to your knit-pickin...
— trochee
nice work. this is really provocative, i think because of the way the words shift, and yet connect together, like a stitch.
not a side stitch, heavens no! but, this is very good.
— listen
thanks for the kind words listen.
i am glad you found it good.
— trochee
Can music fathom? Line 9. That's the only line that gives me pause, as that might not be the correct verb. If you add 'been' there...
— Isabelle5
Hell yea.
though line 9 should be good to go now.
— trochee
Wow, instant revision!
— Isabelle5
yes bella. the revisions will go on as long as i am into writing, thinking and feeling.
thanks/
— trochee
lovely play on poses/posies/poesy/
I too have a seamstress as a muse. her stitches and fabrics might interest you. The sing-song nursery rhyme flavour is appealing, Trochee. I can picture her feverish tasks as she whirs and spins and threads golden bobbins.
The last two lines could use a slight tweak. Perhaps something like this:
a seamstress at a sewing machine—
lines and dreams criss-crossed.
a pleasure to read.
— banditfemme
the golden thread writes through this with your Pen as the needle stitching us in the Poesy realization -- I agree with BF that the last strophe could be stronger and tighter -- this is a modern take on the three fates the witches of thread and stitches the daughters of Zeus who were Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos -- Clotho was the spinner, Lachesis the drawer of lots, and Atropos represented the inevitable end to life -- Clotho selected the thread, Lachesis measured it, and Atropos cut the thread to signify the end -- here your seamstress is Goddess of the seamless melancholic
— AlchemiA
thanks banditF i am open to changing the last lines provided i get something powerful and crunchy.
alchemia thanks a lot. i have always enjoyed your poems, comments and posts.
— trochee
L1 sounds a bit... eh. Hard to explain. It's like you couldn't find a better way to build the line, so you just used the rough draft. Which sucks, because the first line goes into the last, and you'd have to change it to make it still coincide with it.
I'm sure you'll figure out a way, eventually, as I see how you use words-- you squeeze them for all you can, like a rare and delicious fruit, never wasting a drop. I love this. good job.
— Aziel
ohhh shit, look who it is! TWO in the top rated. I'm jealous!
— Aziel
wonderful imagery.
i like the opening line the best "legs and arms criss-crossing everywhere"
— panicbutton
I'd maybe remove "unrequited"...but who cares, this is excellenT with a capital t.
— DeformedLion
alot of piano poems about at the minute! this is as good as anything i've read on this site.
EXCELENT
— mr_e
wow! Excelence can't be critiqued--and this is excelent.
— PaulS
hmm, dunno, sounds feminine / pretentious
— OKcomputer
thanks a lot Aziel, panicbutton, DeformedLion, mr_e & Mr.Paul (thanks fir the fav!)
Yea OKC i dunno about the pretentious part but it does sound a lil feminine.
Thank you all for your time.
a big hug.
— trochee
Hmm. I like it. Its a good fit.
— Veinxs
very nice trochee ;)
— Mongrol
thanks Veinxs.
thanks a lot Mong.
— trochee
I'm beginning to take this personal. YOU HAVE DETHRONED ME for the LAST TIME! Just kidding, Troch. Congrats on your #1 Top Rated poem, buddy. :-)
— starr
hey sweet starr, thanks but i think its just some numb nut playing with the ratings.
i still remeber that line "i want you preferably sad..." great one.
— trochee
You're sweet too, Troch. I would have to say that I agree with you on the ratings. Be that as it may, you are still #1 and your writing continues to get better and better with each new poem you post. I'm proud of you 4 that, buddy. :-)
— starr
im sorry. but this is not my favorite one. i like ur other one though!
— unknown
trochee
i like your poem very much. except that I would ask you to consider removing these words and of course substituting others as you're so moved. when the music
with (first line)
abstract
you'd (you)
unrequited (I agree with DL)
profoundly
melancholic
everywhere is borderline, it seems to fit, but I'm not positive. You?
— eric
wow....
this is actually a really well crafted poem
double plus good and somwhat brussenbrugge-esque
— eyesaque
sew what?
it had a good flow and ebb.
kinda fizzles out after line six too.
hmm.
it seems i can't get a read on a this poem i just read...
— onklcrispy
Another load of shit from trochee
— unknown
More rubbish from the site dalit, last years rubbish it seems
— unknown
A dalit? hahaha!
morchius havent i told you i come from a royal bloodline ;) and going by your comment just shows what a poor educated cunt you are. Dalits are not any less of a human being. Your uninformed comments will only amuse me ;)
— trochee
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