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"I feel better already."
Aziel

my lips
 1
my lips
 2
my lips
 3
are sore, though your sleepy stubble
 4
has failed to kiss them for some time now
 5
 
 
in your passing, i've found
 6
it's so much colder than I remember.
 7
 
 
Now,
 8
I wear my coats to bed instead of you.
 9

"How do you know it's over?"
"Because I feel better already."

15 May 08

Rated 9 (8.6) by 3 users.
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Comments:

Very nice! I like this a lot. I don't think the repetition of my lips is necessary. You've packed enough dramatic effect in to the rest of it. Good job!  
 — grneyeddevil

nice.
 — unknown

I am seeing the repetition of my lips as shivering.  I am interested in 'has yet, for some time."  You allude to the person being gone so I'm wondering if you should change that sentence to something like "has not kissed them" or something to show past tense.  The 'for some time now' implies, to me, that the person will soon turn over and kiss you.  That isn't making sense, having current and past tense together.

Last line is a killer.  How does the title relate, though?  You don't sound so much better!  
 — Isabelle5

I dont see this as he will soon turn over and kiss you, i see it either he has left or passed away.
great poem. lot of emotion felt in such a small read. =]
 — chelseyjo

I think the repetition of lips is very necessary, as the repetitiveness builds up with the same word ramming into the readers head, and than it launches into the content and meat of the poem. It ends not with repetition however as I was expecting, but simple, cut off and short. Your poem has three clearly defined areas of poetic expression, and I think they compliment each other nicely.
 — SenorSin

I think the repetition is unnecessary. but i really like the last two lines.
 — adonispillow

I was half asleep typing this out originally, haven't been sleeping well, I'll fix the past/presence tense problem.  Repetition drills things in, i love it when others use it, and I fancy myself to be a doppleganger of certain abstracts and means of being.
 — Aziel

To Isabelle:

Those aren't my words, see the footnote.  First speaker is me.
 — Aziel

I didn't realize that was a footnote, I thought it was part of the poem.  Yes, sleep deprivation getting to me, too!
 — Isabelle5

I don't think it was there originally, I forgot to click the footnote button so people could see it, but did after I corrected the past/present tense thing.
 — Aziel

bump
 — Aziel

damn good.
everyone loves to relate to lonliness
and cold things.
i don't know why.

great tone,
loved it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

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