|of blue and deep thoughts circling
The ocean is blue and she can taste it.
Salty-sweet like the coppery tang of his skin,
he who would laugh at her and say,
"You've never even been to the bloody ocean,"
and she would smile, "but i can dream can't i?"
stops to breathe in perfumed light
flowing on diamond scales, cutting slices
through dolphin pictures she sees in story books.
touches them and makes them real.
"i saw a starfish once," she tells him, "and made
sand-castles with it-
swam through ink stained with whales,
coral drifting under bare feet, all scraping skin
and burning breath,
danced in schools-"
"-of fish, silly, i saw the rainbow there"
cynic that he is, he shakes his head,
"we can't even afford a sand-bucket"
but she closes her eyes and says, "this is dreaming"
envious, he watches. then, softly, almost wistfully:
"what's it like?"
stunned: "can't you see it?" she's been slipping into
water threads since forever, wearing the wetsuit of
imagination to take her to places she's only ever
read about in those clippings covering their common wall.
A shake of his head so she tells him the sea's freedom,
unadulterated joy, blending into threads of water; she
becomes one with it, "i'll take you there someday,"
she whispers to him, "just close your eyes"
17 May 08
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fusion -- you've a marvellous use of metaphor in weaving a story -- poetic in its verisimilitudes and quietly aching through your pen -- the invertendo realEYEsations are brought to the reader as the dawning of their own find -- well writ with your tight style writ in it
hey Alchemia, thanks for stopping by! thanks for the encouraging response too...i've been haunting this site for a while now, just enjoying the poetry and getting the feel of the place. thought it was about time i started posting my stuff...which i'd always been insanely touchy about letting anyone read! but yeah...can't improve without any objective criticism :-)
yes these Poems are like children which we fuss over and protect -- like the Eagle we must kick them out of the protection of the nest and let them fly or fall on their own -- your Poems have wings and can see very far, Fusion -- keep kicking them out
"fly or fall on their own"-- i like that, i never thought of it that way before. you're right though, can't keep sheltering them forever. so thanks again for your encouragement :-)
awesome poem. i love the images. this is crafted so well, beautiful and calm.
This is spellbinding. You take a timeless, universal theme and transform it into something fresh and personal. Your very first line introduces two different senses, and it draws us in with its perfect simplicity. Then l 2 retreats, retracts-- a little. Lines 7-16 create her unique fairy tale ( she reminds me of Bjork-- the dancer in the dark who was blind, yet created the most astonishing choreography in her imagination)
This lovely creation has myriad effective ingredients. The descriptions and images are vibrant: "perfumed light." "cutting slices," "scraping skin and burning breath."
And there is even the element story-book romance!
I am very impressed. Thank you for this pleasure.
wow guys, thanks MUCHLY (and yes, i'm going to invent words to show my appreciation).
the poem does have a personal element to it i suppose, maybe because (and i shudder to admit it) i'm a cynic like the man, or maybe because i live on an island and am surrounded by the sea, or maybe because i wish i could just let myself go and dream like the girl.
but thats by-the-by :-p... thanks for visiting!
calming. the poem feels blue, to me- just right. loved it.
This is magical writing. You weave the water and sand into the reader's reality - or did you take our reality and make it water and sand? Wonderful.
thanks guys :-)
Hey, you're almost #1! Good job!