poetry critical

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becoming light

-for joey. maybe.

Adam's eyes move towards the sun,
I move towards his eyes--
in sun;
the dance:  
slim arms playing shadows
and stealing hugs
from worn out copies
of our favourite books;
stealing kisses from
our Juliets
glance at him, sweet Adam,
who is melting now
and dance
with me as I shift into
atomic skin
for the sun to let me ride
the sky and scoop his
eyes into my hands,
and tenderly, so dearly,
become his light.

23 May 08

Rated 8.5 (7.4) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
Inactive (11): 1, 2, 2, 3, 4, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(374 more poems by this author)

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my eyes are glowing -- a sweetly rendered piece that gets under the skin and between the eyes have it -- you mix metaphors of sense and light with wondrous grace -- the last strophe is pure magic
 — AlchemiA

Oh! To become light.  I love how this moves so smoothly to its wonderful finish.
 — PaulS

beautiful dance of eyes and arms and skin and light
 — nisetru

ooh, how lovely and bright.
becoming light.
i might
: )
 — fractalcore

make that


ooh, how lovely and bright.
becoming light.
i might


thanks DeformedLion
and Kurt Cobain
: )
 — fractalcore

well, joey will be proud.
kudos, DeformedLion.
: )
 — fractalcore

good for you.
: )
 — fractalcore

the joey connection is not too obvious here.
nevertheless the poem is sweet nectar.
 — trochee

becoming loved,
this poem...
beautiful words i have read here,
the music is warm and touching
my face would glow if this were read aloud
to me.

lucky mike.
lovely write.
 — jenakajoffer

i only didn't romanticize with "Juliet",
i wanted what "ours" was, to not be a person, why?  i don't know.
 — jenakajoffer

i love the phrase 'as I shift into atomic skin' - fantastic!
 — Mongrol

i concur, Mongrol. exactly my favorite line as well.
: )
 — fractalcore

Nice one!  Very "dancable," inDEED.  Lovingly and skillfully written poetry.  L's 13-20 are beautiful, but it's L's 13-15 that did it for me.  :-)
 — starr

seems fairly nice and all
most of the poem sounds pretty good but i might suggest to you that the second towards would roll into that line smoother without the s and im never a big fan of essing those ward words anyhow so maybe ive got a real problem but yeah good poem
 — chuckle_s

i love him, too, DL. he inspired me to write a poem today.
he has a very critical eye, yes?

congratulations for hitting #1 with this.
: )
 — fractalcore

-- this shoulda stayed up -- it is gorgeous symbolism and a Loving write
 — AlchemiA