poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The store never closes. Eventually.

He was talking about the dimensions--
one through five.
brian havergal's opus,
the sonatas of science.
He was imagining theories-
the evolution of speak.
the reptile of scripture.
He no longer searched four leaf clovers-
children laced gingerly on blankets.
Downtown's immaculate heart,
the spirit of modernization.

24 May 08

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wonderful poem with such compact and lucid references to an enchanting kind of fusion-- ( poetry, religion, science, science fiction). My small reservation concerns your final two lines. Do you truly want to repeat "town"?  You could end like this: the spirit of cities. Or like this: the urban spirit.
or not
 — banditfemme

 — dustybottoms

this wordy thing is actually nice and open, and really uses fewer words than the soap opera poems talking about him and his trips. some of it's forced, but what are you gonna do? cause it sounds like something like "reptile of scripture" was the thing to say. i wouldn't want it carved over my portal, if i were you though. too middle-earthy.

the line length of this is fitting, the breathing seems to match the thinking, which gives the impression that we're talking with you. a nice illusion.

very nice architecture -- very much like craftsman-bauhaus, a nice fantasy, pleasant to read.

and yes, you said the right things probably about this one. maybe a double line "--" after dimensions, to show that it's the thought which counts, and not some dimensions-one and following. trivializing the conceptualization of structure like this works well -- isolating, as you've done, "thinking of things" out of obsession works well for me. gives this poem breathing room.
 — joey

oh I was not aware of this ignored genius known as the unknown warrior having composed some 39 pieces and many after 90 years of age -- your epitaphing captures the irony and the teeth of his old musical bones -- his musical language is at once crude and gruff yet raptures wild with unknown dreams unheard unsung indeed a "strange loop" music as "rough as a bear's backside" where "nothing really matters" and "all I wanted to do was create". -- an inspiration to us all!
 — AlchemiA

great to find your works, poet.
this is something good.
: )
 — fractalcore

yep - this tick boxes ;)

will give a good read through this and your other works
 — Mongrol

thank you core and mongrol. i now have confidence to carpe diem!
 — dustybottoms

Well written, but some of the references, notably brian havergal's opus, alienate a bit. Perhaps I'm slightly stupid though
 — GWH