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simulation simultaneity
unknown

they would disappear
 1
into abandoned
 2
buildings where
 3
she would swallow
 4
reservations and he
 5
would time thrusts
 6
to settle doubts that
 7
one of her myriad
 8
faces might be
 9
just for him
 10



the perils of superlative customer service


© A




24 May 08

Rated 9.3 (7.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (13): 1, 1, 1, 2, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I imagine that you have described it exactly how it was. Kudos.
 — banditfemme

superb.
: )
 — fractalcore

SAME SIMILARLY
fractalcore

when they dis a peer
they a bun don
build things and wigs
from wheat, wear
one or the many
faces similar to feces,
fatal fecal matter:

time in disguise,
these guys --

gold

in the oven.


written 05/24/08
thanks, unknown,
: )
 — fractalcore

make that


SAME SIMILARLY
fractalcore

when they dis a peer
they a bun don;
build things and wigs
from wheat, wear
one or the many
faces similar to feces,
fatal fecal matter:

time in disguise,
these guys --

gold

in the oven.


written 05/24/08
thanks, unknown.
: )
 — fractalcore

Hmmmmm...
 — unknown

Tight!  :-)
 — starr

they would disappear  
into abandoned  
buildings where  
she would swallow  
reservations and  
he would time thrusts  
to myriad faces just
to claim one was
meant for him
 — unknown

The line breaks make it feel disjointed but are put to good use.  I like the hint of sex and the tragedy of modern love.  9/10
 — technomancer

time thrusts...

great ;)
 — Mongrol

thank you
 — unknown

Haha!  That footnote is great!  The abandoned building part - have you been secretly filming me for the past several years???
 — Isabelle5

could you explain this to me? i feel a sexual hint of course but i don't believe you're using the word myriad correctly here.
 — unknown

Brilliant
 — unknown

Wonderful work.  Very mixed emotional response to it.
 — sybarite

was this inspired by bright eyes?
'abandoned buildings where'
sounds like one of their songs.
 — 1994

just revisiting.
still nice.



thanks again.
: )
 — fractalcore

oh lord

look

up in the sky

its a bird
its a plane
its another observation
 — chuckle_s

I like this, especially the commentary on how cheapened sex has become in a "sexually aware" society. You've also done quite well at capturing a very human desire and mixing it with the tragedy of the present.

In current form, this is good. As part of a greater piece, perhaps a narrative with this as the ending stanza, I believe you could flesh out the concept and really pull people's heartstrings.

I don't know who said you used myriad incorrectly, but it makes perfect sense to me.
 — A_Forsaken

:D!
 — psychofemale

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