|Understanding Orin 101
I want you sad,
preferably in leather
my lost lips
tracing the corners
of your dark,
I want you just the way you are-
zoned out on Klonopin,
at war with yourself
and the rest of the world
my frozen fingers finding warmth
in the deliberate depths
of your punk-ass pockets.
For D. Bowes with love.
24 May 08
Rated 9.5 (7.7) by 6 users.
Active (6): 3, 8, 8, 10
Inactive (28): 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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11 -- "just as you are" maybe scans better? then, "the angry, hateful state" wouldn't need "you're in", cause the colon shows what's what anyway? and "in" and "colonopin" seem constipated, or at least contrived and obvious.
so many nice things in this, so nicely written. i'm thinking how it is that if we're bent enough by life, and have word talent, that our wording will faithfully reflect our life's experience -- in the wording, the form, the way the words play on and with each other in the poem.
sploof. it occurred to me, only as i pressed submit, that this might be one of yours -- intuition only, cause it's not a cover of anything i've seen before.
my first read was aghast and gathered me to the complexities of human endearment -- needed to lookup the anxiety drug of choice as these are not in my social language scape -- yet you've profiled the broken and marginalized in the intense sense wrappings of desire but a desire that forgives every fallen fear and wretchedness as part of the humanity that you are -- grace and fragility permeates this piece with desire the fuel of feelings that the kiss is the action of real absolution and just plain humanity in the simple art of connecting -- sweet!
Mike and AlchemiA, THANKyou! I am honored by your ratings and appreciation of this poem. Mike, I took out "just the way you are" that was the original L11. As for the "in's" in L's 11 & 12, of COURSE they're contrived and obvious! I don't mess around! :-)
The 101 in the title also reflects my 101st poem on P.C. I had 2.B. clever about that. :-)
the beginning turned me off, luckily it was short though, so i finished it. i like part 2. ahh, at last! my initials are d.b.
Glad u liked Pt. 2, D.B.! Cool that you got the same initials! Hopefully you're not the same punk-ass I'm writin' about! :-)
the in-in, they're too obvious, starr. sumwun's got to tell you...
you're a genius, but sometimes when we invent we mix genres and maybe it's because we think in ink, no one's going to, through, read our work, urk.
the rhymes have to be pretty internal for this kind of wording... letting the reader find it on his own.
LOL! I'm FAR from a genius, Mike, but thanks 4 the compliment. :-)
best you start acting in public like the genius you are, cause it will push us further. it's not like the poems write you, you know.
God, you're beautiful! No, the poems don't write ME. I write the poems! I'm sensing a Barry Manilow song right now for some reason...Not sure if that's a good thing though. :-)
Thanks Andrew! :-)
a fine piece of writing starr. The last stanza is fabulous.
Paul, thanks, buddy! :-) Hope u guyz are enjoying the Holiday weekend!
What a great find! I love this, beginning to end. It's exactly what I'd say, if I had written it first!
Thanks Unknown! What a great compliment to my writing! :-)
Joey, I just yanked out "the angry hateful state you're in" in order that I may do away with the "in's." Does it read better now, do you think?
naw, there's a harmonic hole in this now. it's needing the extra look-out-the-window while you read this.
probably, too, a comma after "dirty" or else drop the one after "dark"?
I went a step further and switched up the lines a little bit so as to improve the flow too. I wasn't feelin' the "Clonopin" line where I initially had it. I think it feels better now. :-)
that's better, as i read it. i think you can switch dimensions at line 12 -- really give yourself to the reader instead of this "you" joe.
like, "my fingers warm your punk-ass pockets."
Like that? :-O
maybe, though it's not really how you write. and probably a double line after world. thanks for taking me seriously though. i meant it, but i'm not you and couldn't write as you. it's more for your idea of poetry... like, once in a while i'll see some line or some visual style that looks like what i'm trying to do, but hadn't done yet.
You're right. That wasn't me. That was you. This is me. :-)
i think the one thing which i said that was helpful was that you have to give more to the reader, and not just report your feelings about some third party or place you visited. and, getting to the point where you start working on more than one level -- calling out of other dimensions, where there's a dialog in your head between two manners of writing -- each voicing in the most wonderful way, and then wrestling them into the poem -- well, that's maybe after a long time of writing, where you simply stop letting the writing do the work for you.
like they say, "it's so easy to write a poem that you don't even have to think about it". they say lots of stuff.
Amen, brotha. Thanks for stoppin' by. :-)
STarr!!! Whoo HOOO! I had no idea! Another gem from your often unpredictable repetoire.
Clonopin is a highly addictive anti-anxiety/depression med, Bear. More recently, it's become a "street" drug.
soo is it a psycodelic? cause if not i feel there could be better word choice than "tripped out"... if its anything like xanax u could use zoned out.
all tripped out on fluoride here!
zesty, but universal because of the mention of pockets, a lasting image.
Great work Starr! The first two stanzas are fantastic.
Gotcha, Bear. "Zoned out" it is. Clonopin is not pyschedelic. It's clinical and is available on the streets as well as by Rx. I see and appreciate your point. Have fun with those teeth! Q and grneyedevil...thanks 4 da props 2! :-)
i like the nihilistic coolness 'i don't care what you think nah nah nah' if this piece...
... and it's sexy too... kinda gropey, feeling something in those pockets...
gets my thumbs up for the sk8r boi creds
if = of
wow, this is yours Starr?
i love the strong voice and how it demands my attention,
it's forceful and sexy and totally in your face.
this is very refreshing and full of attitude! i love it.
(L12: read easier to me as "and the rest of the world").
great job, shitdawg!
Mongrol, THANKyou for those awesome comments and Jen (xxoo), thank YOU too for yours. I changed the preposition in L12 from "with" to "and." I am 1 happy shitdawg today because of you both! Peace! :-)
Ma bad. "And" is a conjunction, not a preposition. Not enuff coffee/cigarettes (yet) today. :-) Anyway, Jen, thanks for those musical ears of yours 4 catchin' that.
ah now i cannot find a flaw in this. i dare say a perfect ten. cheers.
Thanks, Bear! Cheers back'atcha! :-)
what a sweet, sensitive love poem...
Jump in my head??? It's me who should be asking this favor of you. Good one.
We can always just TRADE HEADS for a couple of days, Section 4. Thanks 4 the sweet compliment back. :-)
Orin didn't have a washing machine, D.L. and I know what happened with the 101...I deleted an older poem that I wasn't feelin' anymore. So we'll just let the 101 in this poem represent the course level of understanding him in general, because understanding Orin was Higher Education (of sorts) in itself. Thanks, D.L.! :-)
i want you,hone ur poems with prose,learn abit of english and make better markings than tis turtle in e drain.
I don't believe it is I who needs to "learn a bit of English." Art thou who needeth to work on that. Surely you can muster up a higher degree of literacy than what you're displaying here. Stop listening to so much Hip Hop. It makes you look really stupid.
i am not too fond of "lost lips", seems like not the right place for this mouth.. i'd prefer these lips to be tough, not weak.
what does the title mean?
Thanks unknown. The title is about Orin, a friend of mine back home in Massachusetts whom I haven't seen in about 8 years. He moved down South somewhere. To know him was to love him; to understand him was a science (of sorts.) Hence, "lost lips." Markfelican, glad u love it, buddy. Thanks! :-)
just enough edge - though don't get too sentimental.
Thanks opal. :-)
wow. i thought i commented on this piece,
starr i am gonna sue you as the first line of your poem has been seriously haunting me ever since i read it. this is what i call a complete poem.
D.B must be delighted.
Troch! What an AWESOME compliment! LOL! You can sue me, but y'won't get much! I'm a povery-stricken American. :-)
p.s. D.B. doesn't even know I wrote this. I haven't seen him in about seven years. It's more like something that was written in his honor; something I had to get out of my system. :-)
isn't it spelled klonopin??
Humblebee, thank you. It is spelled indeed with a "k." My mistake. :-)
preferably sad definitely in leather
love it !
Thanks, unknown. :-)
This poem is GREAT!
I knew an Orin once. beautiful!
Thank you, moah. It's a cool name! :-)
If it's so gross how come it was Top Rated #1 3x and sat at #1 Top Rated for the past 5 days? YOU'RE gross.
Thanks, Andrew for your typically and strangely refreshing props. :-) I really didn't expect it to do as well as it did, but am happy that it did well. It's an honor when that happens here to 1 of your pieces. :-)
The wonders of kiss assing have to seen to be realised, I believe you are into assing
(Smooch.) Stop hatin'. And btw, I don't have to kiss ass because I get what I want by being honest and workin' my ass off for it. When I signed on last night it was there out of nowhere, not that you even deserve this much of a retort.
I find the slobbering over this strange. Reads like graffiti. Loveless.
That's fine, but you're not the one who knew Orin, who wrote this for Orin or even felt the scope of emotions that went with the poem. Thanks again for hating. It's what makes this world such a beautiful place. :-)
I'm guessing only about 100 people knew Orin, even figuring in the Kevin Bacon multiplier. I don't hate poems or poets. I just found this to be distasteful and trite. Don't take it personal, you got plenty of huzza's.
Oh, okay. Then thanks. :-) I thought you were hatin' and I'm very sensitive to haters. Now I'm happy (again.) I like nice people in my world. Peaceout.
Starr, do not pay attention to anyone who tells you, "don't take it personal." If they don't know that the word should be personally, what else don't they know?
I'm agreeing with the negative crits here but not as forecefully I suppose. this Waltens on crack type of writing might appeal to the gentler sex and our gay brethren certainly but it seems more titilation then texture to me
how did i miss out on this one?
i hate me.
Wow! Thanks Frac! It first was posted in May. :-) Zylan, we're all entitled to our opinions. That's what makes us different. And Orin didn't do Crack. He did Klonopin. #1 Again! Thanks, everyone! Means a lot and I appreciate it. :-)
I've read this a few times without commenting. There are so many comments already so not a lot to add. But after coming back to this, I've discovered it's been hanging around my thoughts without me realizing it and now feels familiar in a good way. Sexy, compassionate, direct. I like it.
well the sentiment is soft and touching to be sure, kudos on that. but the construction is almost too predictable. was orin predictable, and this is the reason for the linebreaks? seems to me that really, i've understood more about the speaker here, than orin. suppose they are the same, some type of schizoid entity writing a poem to themself, seeing themself revealed as someone else as they write it out.
i'd change a couple things to push the intensity a little, but that's just what i'd do. such as
of your dark --
all zoned on Klonopin;
war with yourself
the rest of the world
the deliberate depths
these things maybe pull the affair into a more lucrative translation, allowing for more interpretation, and giving, perhaps, a little more dimension to what "Orin" is, and how we are to "understand".
Smugzy, thanks again for your nice comments and Chuckles, thanks too. I'll have 2 ponder your suggestions. The personal pronouns are important here so as not to confuse the two characters of the poem. :-)
You have me sad and in a cocky haze
I do not know where I go from here
Would you really set all my thoughts ablaze
or would I just shrivel up in fear.
i like your poem, just found it so overt, is all.
Why, thanks, Chuckle_s. That's how I write. I don't want people to need a key or a legend to have to tune into what I'm saying. I've always favored overtness in my writings. I want people to relate not walk away clueless. :-)
I like the characterization and the intensity.
i think you have a tremendous voice. there is a lot i like about this, but something is a bit off and it's hard for me to put my finger on it.
maybe: "I want you" ? (both)
maybe: "and the rest of the world" ?
maybe change "sad" to something else less general?
it could be my mood(s)
Hey, onklkrispy. Thanks 4 givin' this a sniff. 'Preciate it. :-)
Played with this Onklkrispy. Thanks again. :-)
Holy comments Batman!
I like this. Enough detail to give the reader an understanding of your personal experience with enough mystery to let us draw our own conclusions. Interesting and creative write.
Lines 9 and 10 are very intriguing.
Oh--it's been changed. I have to say I liked it better before the changes...
It's back 2 the original. That was scary changing it and realizing, thanks to y'all, that it was better unedited. Phew. I like it better the way it izz. Peaceout. :-)
I'm so jealous of this one its put me off my Scott's Porridge Oats
Larry Donalds Trousers Lark
Larry...you are tooooo freakin' funny! I'll trade you this one for "Pig Speak!" We'll just switch authorships on both poems. LOL. And of course, thanks 4 the sweet words, bro. xxoo Starr
love this poem.......it expresses a sentiment many if not most can relate too. :)
Also for you pricks who provide bullshit criticism how about you grow a pair and use your name and not be a coward and hide behind anomnimity. Say what you mean and be able to stand behind it or don't say anything at all.
bibielinski, thank you for your comments and for defending this poem from the \"haters.\" Word! :-)
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Thanks, cassell! An oldie but goodie! Glad u like it! :-)