| into the ever blinding
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DeformedLion
| I understand your lips, the | 1 |
way they press | 2 |
like darts landing in a swimming | 3 |
pool. | 4 |
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And I think I know what is beneath | 5 |
your dress, well pruned panties; | 6 |
some floral decor. | 7 |
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* | 8 |
It isn't that fish believe in the | 9 |
sea, its that | 10 |
I am not sure if I will ever feel | 11 |
what knowledge tastes of | 12 |
or | 13 |
how a body relates to a stone | 14 |
as it sinks | 15 |
into ever blinding thought. | 16 |
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24 May 08 |
Rated 9.2 (8.2) by 7 users.
Active (7): 7, 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 9, 9, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(91 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
It will always seem that we will never love again. that comfort we gain with certain people is never easily or truly replaced, no matter how much time passes. I enjoy the way it's written; i was gonna pick out a part that I liked most and realized it's too difficult because I like the whole kit-n-caboodle.
— Aziel
the line breaks are poopy
when i look at this with a revisionist's eye i want to see some things differently certain words removed or changed but mainly yeah
the line breaks
poopy
or maybe i'm not reading it properly, but when i read these things i will generally stop at the end of each line otherwise what would the point of breaking up the lines be if you're not reading it that way also then i guess that's your
— chuckle_s
i'm suggesting to you that you train your focus on thought and how it's represented here. give those ideas some boldness, make them stand out as important among some interesting lines.
you could have done something with the darts but yeah, i really feel whatever about what they're doing and perhaps that feeling permeates the rest of the poem.
— chuckle_s
I was attracted immediately by the title.
The rest is interesting, and I have no idea how you would go about giving it extra oomph...but I'm sure you can if you can make it this good to begin with.
— mindbodysoul
dear linus,
darts don't press, they poke
(or stab) and sink in a swimming pool, swirling, twirling to the dark depth
like a tongue wrapping itself around yours with all that wetness and then being swallowed whole like an eel slipping inside a cave.
it isn't that fish believe in the sea,
it's that they cannot breathe anywhere else-
they have no choice but to love what they know.
exploring is not worth dying over-
like any of us who are conditioned and sheltered in our lives
who have become too frightened to hop the fence.
how's that for some rambling thoughts.
10, for being thought provoking.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
like darts plopping in a swimming pool" to do the triple p... and then, only "pruned panties" without "well", cause it's too coy a move as poetry...
it isn't that fish believe in ocean,
it's that i'm not sure....
has knowledge a taste,
or body any relation
to a dart sinking into brain,
into ever blinding thought.
[ not right, but something else perhaps. and maybe it is that there are too many different unconnected images in your poem -- thrown out in awe, but then not brought back inside the poem? ]
the depression is in this, but then it's in me and maybe that's all i'm reading. i do like what this suggests.
— joey
I think the first four lines are fine. You're right, jeneka - darts don't press. Lips do, though. And if lips press like darts into a pool,
then to me it sounds as if
She is kissing alot (darts is pluralized),
She is kissing quickly (as darts would penetrate quickly)
And she is kissing intrusively.. It sounds like you imagine her to be a sloppy kisser, DeformedLion. Perhaps not what you intended, but the imagery works on me that way. An author's intentions are allowed to be ambiguous, so long as the audience can find a meaning, right?
A suggestion for lines 5-7:
split up l6.. maybe:
And I think I know
what's beneath your flowing dress,
your fluid form, adorned
with well pruned panties;
some floral decor.
The last bit is hard for me to find meaning in... but it's clear you mean something. Certainly thought-provoking.
— InvictusAmor
the title reverbs image-gestic and yet the symbol of the dart portrays a 'point' being made even if it ploops unceremoniously into a pool -- knowing what is beneath her skirts juxtaposes into the second strophe as fish in the sea immured in their ignorance which reflects as a sinking stone thought falling to the fishes realm -- I like your image-anation yet your symbols seemed to not live up to them -- the falling into 'darkness' is definitely here and that thought gets one into that condition is one of the layers of this imagery --
— AlchemiA
The darts simile doesn't grab me, seems forced.
Love the panties.
I also think very highly of lines 9 through 15.
The critic in me thinks that line 16 is trying too hard, but the reader in me kinda likes it.
— unknown
cool #9.
thanks for reading. i don't think i forced the simile, maybe the event. i know the writing came pretty naturally.
— DeformedLion
OK, maybe apt is a better word. The comparison doesn't work for me.
— unknown
i really like from line 9 to 16. i think that this is amazing writing
— silentspring
what say you
— unknown
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