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be my bell v. 3.0

her hair is hair.
i could put the moon
inside the bell and let it
strike bronze, let quiver
like long exhale,
as the clowns from Subiaco
fight like red balloons
against the silver string
and child's hand.
i could whisper to her
of shampoo and conditioners,
of secret longings
and bathtub bubbles
shyly whisper, slowly
sigh, unplug and still
all but drown in the
milk of her skin,
the sly of light as
it flickers in those
fire eyes, so to
be as forever as
that curling moon
fixed beyond the sky...
but she is cast in bronze
and I, cast in air.

30 May 08

Rated 10 (7.8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 5, 6, 9, 10

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"and be my bell" perhaps?
i like ||11-16.

you should thank me, too.
: )
 — fractalcore

oh beautiful in a hazy sort of way.
the wisps were not mentioned but felt--
i would prefer 'creme rinse' as opposed to 'conditioner' for this
but that is up to you.

'the bell' threw me in the first stanza, as i dont know what the bell is yet.
second stanza is stunning and my favourite.

nice job
 — jenakajoffer

i just told you what it was.
creme rinse, a term used widely in the 70's and 80's until society found a better more commercial and hip term for conditioner.

now reading again, i would find something even better than the word shampoo.
perhaps a brand name, like Finesse or Pears.  i would rid both 'ands' in lines 13-14. also rid 'am' inline 16.

 — jenakajoffer

i'm girly so 'pears and creme rinse' just sound and smell good to me,
but of course, i am wrong and selfish for wanting something else here.
i respect it must remain true to you,
not to me.  !!

but believe me, you simply must.
 — jenakajoffer

Conjunction Junction, what's your function?  I had to see who wrote this before I commented because I was curious and I'm actually surprised!  It's very feminine writing which shows an entirely new and softer side to the Deformed Lion King.  I agree with Jen on the overruse of the conjunction "and."  Perhaps use commas instead???  Creme rinse is accurate.  Conditioner would be the "hipper" term for it, indeed.  L12 could be instead of shampoo and conditioners, perhaps, something sleek like you whisper Victoria's Secret and Pear Glace (gla-zay.)  Just some food 4 thought.  We don't know what bell you're speaking of in L2, in L's 4 & 5 "let quiver air???"  That seems very off to me as far as sytax goes and the same prevails in L's 6-10.  The use of similes is impressive, however the subsequent sentences don't seem to connect very well for some reason.  In L15, the conjunction "but" excuses the previous strophes.  I'm puzzled by this, D.L.  With some reconstruction and elimination of the conjunctions, insertion of commas and deeper breaths (as in better use of white space,) it could all come together more vividly and structurally.  I won't rate just yet.  It wouldn't be fair.  I DO like this more tender side of your muse.  Very nice.  :-)  
 — starr

Let freedom ring!
 — starr

DL I read the comments and I like the first version better somehow -- it is more feminine as jen and starr infer which gets more yang with the second version -- that is the 'tell' of symbolism/imagism versus minimalism, i.e., the former writing tends to the feminine allures whilst the latter drives the point with succinctness -- nonetheless the conjunctions are a sore point in my attempts at poetry too -- so I will learn from you as I learn from joey starr and jenn and the crits they give you then -- your imagery is magestic DL
 — AlchemiA

that "am" in line 16 really must go.
pretty please?
 — unknown

removed "am". good suggestion,
 — DeformedLion

reminds me of an isabelle poem
 — unknown

edited out the and and and
 — DeformedLion

and added a new stanza
 — DeformedLion

cool. nice poem! would ax repeat 'cast' of last line . . . thanks.
 — unknown