|A Glass of Whine
O the glasses know it all
the make and marque
of lousy lipsticks,
and all the variety of lies,
the glamorous glances,
of crafty fingers
sweating tongues and palms
the glasses know
the bearable urges
deluxe sips of wine.
Beware when they clatter
secrets among themselves.
1 Jun 08
Rated 9.3 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 7, 9, 10
Inactive (12): 3, 4, 6, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
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(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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I Love You.
bleached moustaches don't turn me on
but it is a funny (transvestitian) thought.
i don't like the bearable urges...
apart from that, i llike your idea of a poem... well done !
Forgot 2 rate. Enjoy the "10." :-)
Troch!!!! Your shit is getting really good, brotha! Love it!
i think maybe the sophisticated way would be to end it at 13, and maybe not add so much alliteration in the beginning -- it winds the spring too much, and, when you're not that skilled with making up phrases, it makes the rest of the poem seem clownish.
How DARE you unseat me from the #1 Recent Best position!!!!! (Just kiddin'!)
In my opinion, I think the alliteration works well with this piece--love the title. This is really, really, good work.
WHINY THE POOH BREAKS THE GLASS
ooh, the masses know it --
all the meek remarks
and lazy lip-syncs
bleached by pistachios
or the variety of fries;
the amorous chances
of robust wiles of
annoy 'em --
golden tongue and verdant palms
the Pooh has, does [k]now;
bearable hugs -- they,
bear aware, secrets mangled
this is a playful humorous piece Trochee and that works for me -- you've a talent for getting the reader to become the Poem -- write on
sorry for the late reply guys.
thank you so much: p_plove, DeformedLion (thanks for loving p_p), jenakajoffer(=-)), greenmantle, starr (yay! hahaha) , joe, PaulS, fractalcore (FC now i know who was behind the funny mona lisa poem), AlchemiA (you know i like your comments ).
A big hug!
yep gotta agree with the previous comments in general trochee - this has some great rhythms to it, interesting dialogues, and sharp, caustic witty observations ;)
I can see the room of people, something velvety, a low murmur, and the whine flowing...
the title is pure internet cool ;D
excellent poem, especially second stanza, witty
i find your poems too wordy. i feel this is deliberate on your part to paint a picture that is doesnt need painting.
try minimalism it may help
nice use of the first word in your poem. good humor as well.
i like this. really clever.
I wonder what they would say?
I love the idea.
this is good. i would be interested to see a similar crafted poem written with beds replaced as the subject, but i guess that's just a reflection of my sordid mind. i can't pick out any good lines here because they are all rather topping. well done!
thank you all for reading and commenting this piece. i am glad most of you have enjoyed this one. thank you mongrol, gjenkins, unknown ( yea you damn right, i feel it too, working on it, will keep in mind, may be theres so much that i have to say that it ends up sounding wordy sometimes).
thanks a lot listen, section 4 and raskolniikov.
glasses are fragile antagonists. "Clatter secrets" is a gorgeous image.
I'm unsure of your mind openness poet, but might I suggest a few simple edits which make this piece DEEPER rather than better?
is there a way you can avoid using the word 'beware' at the end of this. It is such a drastic shift in diction, and a bit overdramatic for a poem that is quite good.
sweet unknown had i not been open to suggestions then i would have never posted this poem here. let me know the changes, i am interested. thanks for reading.
initially i had "listen" instead of "beware". you think i should go back to it?
its alright i guess
seems a little heavy on the adjectives which im not a big fan of i think the challenge of writing should sometimes be to find good actors and make good action rather than have a kick ass set decorator and costume designer but whatever
mustaches and lies go well there was something i heard years ago about the psychology of facial hair and im happy to read among as amongst rarely works for me but seems to be employed quite often when its not necessary
you lose me by line 8 as your good intentions for the list of "what the glass knows" becomes lost, weakened as i read on.
and a specific tragedy: "of crafty fingers"
it drags fingernails down the chalkboard.
Thank you joey. thank you chuckles. thank you sweet unknown.
the scratching and pecking
Not sure what you're getting at. Glasses know it all, but I don't see what they know. Except maybe sub-par lipsticks(lousy?). But that hardly seems to be "it all". Then you have bleached mustaches, so I'm assuming this about vanity. I don't know much about waxing, but are they normally called "bleached mustaches"? Or are you going for a "Got Milk?" Effect? Then there's lies, glamorous glances, august smiles, and crafty fingers. Ok, so somebody is vain, and they're...doing something.
Glasses aren't usually glamorous though. So maybe she's hiding her true self? You use the phrase bearable urges, but that means that urges are ok and tolerable. Not sure if gulping tolerable urges BETWEEN sips of wine makes sense(drinking something in between drinking something?). Then the glasses tell secrets amongst themsleves. Do you mean that each lense tells the other lense their secrets? Why should we beware of that?