poetry critical

online poetry workshop



A Glass of Whine
unknown

O the glasses know it all
 1
the make and marque
 2
of lousy lipsticks,
 3
bleached mustaches
 4
and all the variety of lies,
 5
the glamorous glances,
 6
august smiles,
 7
of crafty fingers
 8
sweating tongues and palms
 9
 
 
the glasses know
 10
the bearable urges
 11
gulped between
 12
deluxe sips of wine.
 13
 
 
Beware when they clatter
 14
secrets among themselves.
 15

1 Jun 08

Rated 9.3 (8.3) by 5 users.
Active (5): 9, 10
Inactive (12): 3, 4, 6, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I Love You.
 — p_p_love

oh p_p!!
 — unknown

bleached moustaches don't turn me on
but it is a funny (transvestitian) thought.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

moustaches...
i don't like the bearable urges...
apart from that, i llike your idea of a poem... well done !
 — greenmantle

Forgot 2 rate.  Enjoy the "10."  :-)
 — starr

Troch!!!!  Your shit is getting really good, brotha!  Love it!
 — starr

i think maybe the sophisticated way would be to end it at 13, and maybe not add so much alliteration in the beginning -- it winds the spring too much, and, when you're not that skilled with making up phrases, it makes the rest of the poem seem clownish.
 — joey

How DARE you unseat me from the #1 Recent Best position!!!!!  (Just kiddin'!)  
 — starr

In my opinion, I think the alliteration works well with this piece--love the title.  This is really, really, good work.
 — PaulS

WHINY THE POOH BREAKS THE GLASS
fractalcore

ooh, the masses know it --
all the meek remarks
and lazy lip-syncs
bleached by pistachios
or the variety of fries;
the amorous chances
of robust wiles of
coyote fingers
annoy 'em --

golden tongue and verdant palms
the Pooh has, does [k]now;
bearable hugs -- they,
locked within:
hunney supine.

bear aware, secrets mangled
amongst themselves.


written 06/01/08
thanks, trochee.
: )
 — fractalcore

this is a playful humorous piece Trochee and that works for me -- you've a talent for getting the reader to become the Poem -- write on
 — AlchemiA

Wow!
sorry for the late reply guys.
thank you so much: p_plove, DeformedLion (thanks for loving p_p), jenakajoffer(=-)), greenmantle, starr (yay! hahaha) , joe, PaulS, fractalcore (FC now i know who was behind the funny mona lisa poem), AlchemiA (you know i like your comments ).
A big hug!
 — trochee

yep gotta agree with the previous comments in general trochee -  this has some great rhythms to it, interesting dialogues, and sharp, caustic witty observations ;)

I can see the room of people, something velvety, a low murmur, and the whine flowing...

the title is pure internet cool ;D

nice work...
 — Mongrol

excellent poem, especially second stanza, witty
 — gjenkins

i find your poems too wordy. i feel this is deliberate on your part to paint a picture that is doesnt need painting.

try minimalism it may help
 — unknown

nice use of the first word in your poem. good humor as well.

i like this. really clever.
 — listen

I wonder what they would say?
I love the idea.
 — section4

this is good. i would be interested to see a similar crafted poem written with beds replaced as the subject,  but i guess that's just a reflection of my sordid mind. i can't pick out any good lines here because they are all rather topping. well done!
 — raskolniikov

thank you all for reading and commenting this piece. i am glad most of you have enjoyed this one. thank you mongrol, gjenkins, unknown ( yea you damn right, i feel it too, working  on it, will keep in mind, may be theres so much that i have to say that it ends up sounding wordy sometimes).
thanks a lot listen, section 4 and raskolniikov.
 — trochee

glasses are fragile antagonists. "Clatter secrets" is a gorgeous image.
 — banditfemme

I'm unsure of your mind openness poet, but might I suggest a few simple edits which make this piece DEEPER rather than better?
 — unknown

is there a way you can avoid using the word 'beware' at the end of this. It is such a drastic shift in diction, and a bit overdramatic for a poem that is quite good.
 — joshcoops

thanks BF.
sweet unknown had i not been open to suggestions then i would have never posted this poem here. let me know the changes, i am interested. thanks for reading.
thanks josh.
initially i had "listen" instead of "beware". you think i should go back to it?
 — trochee

its alright i guess
seems a little heavy on the adjectives which im not a big fan of i think the challenge of writing should sometimes be to find good actors and make good action rather than have a kick ass set decorator and costume designer but whatever
mustaches and lies go well there was something i heard years ago about the psychology of facial hair and im happy to read among as amongst rarely works for me but seems to be employed quite often when its not necessary
good poem
 — chuckle_s

you lose me by line 8 as your good intentions for the list of "what the glass knows" becomes lost, weakened as i read on.
and a specific tragedy: "of crafty fingers"
it drags fingernails down the chalkboard.  
 — unknown

Thank you joey. thank you chuckles. thank you sweet unknown.
 — trochee

the scratching and pecking
 — raskolniikov

Not sure what you're getting at. Glasses know it all, but I don't see what they know. Except maybe sub-par lipsticks(lousy?). But that hardly seems to be "it all". Then you have bleached mustaches, so I'm assuming this about vanity. I don't know much about waxing, but are they normally called "bleached mustaches"? Or are you going for a "Got Milk?" Effect? Then there's lies, glamorous glances, august smiles, and crafty fingers. Ok, so somebody is vain, and they're...doing something.

Glasses aren't usually glamorous though. So maybe she's hiding her true self? You use the phrase bearable urges, but that means that urges are ok and tolerable. Not sure if gulping tolerable urges BETWEEN sips of wine makes sense(drinking something in between drinking something?). Then the glasses tell secrets amongst themsleves. Do you mean that each lense tells the other lense their secrets? Why should we beware of that?
 — Barranto33

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