| A Glass of Whine
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trochee
| O the glasses know it all | 1 |
the make and marque | 2 |
of lousy lipsticks, | 3 |
bleached mustaches | 4 |
and all the variety of lies, | 5 |
the glamorous glances, | 6 |
august smiles, | 7 |
of crafty fingers | 8 |
sweating tongues and palms | 9 |
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the glasses know | 10 |
the bearable urges | 11 |
gulped between | 12 |
deluxe sips of wine. | 13 |
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Beware when they clatter | 14 |
secrets among themselves. | 15 |
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1 Jun 08 |
Rated 8.3 (8.5) by 14 users.
Active (14): 4, 6, 7, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (2): 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
(5 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I Love You.
— p_p_love
oh p_p!!
— unknown
bleached moustaches don't turn me on
but it is a funny (transvestitian) thought.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
moustaches...
i don't like the bearable urges...
apart from that, i llike your idea of a poem... well done !
— greenmantle
Forgot 2 rate. Enjoy the "10." :-)
— starr
Troch!!!! Your shit is getting really good, brotha! Love it!
— starr
i think maybe the sophisticated way would be to end it at 13, and maybe not add so much alliteration in the beginning -- it winds the spring too much, and, when you're not that skilled with making up phrases, it makes the rest of the poem seem clownish.
— joey
How DARE you unseat me from the #1 Recent Best position!!!!! (Just kiddin'!)
— starr
In my opinion, I think the alliteration works well with this piece--love the title. This is really, really, good work.
— PaulS
WHINY THE POOH BREAKS THE GLASS
fractalcore
ooh, the masses know it --
all the meek remarks
and lazy lip-syncs
bleached by pistachios
or the variety of fries;
the amorous chances
of robust wiles of
coyote fingers
annoy 'em --
golden tongue and verdant palms
the Pooh has, does [k]now;
bearable hugs -- they,
locked within:
hunney supine.
bear aware, secrets mangled
amongst themselves.
written 06/01/08
thanks, trochee.
: )
— fractalcore
this is a playful humorous piece Trochee and that works for me -- you've a talent for getting the reader to become the Poem -- write on
— AlchemiA
Wow!
sorry for the late reply guys.
thank you so much: p_plove, DeformedLion (thanks for loving p_p), jenakajoffer(=-)), greenmantle, starr (yay! hahaha) , joe, PaulS, fractalcore (FC now i know who was behind the funny mona lisa poem), AlchemiA (you know i like your comments ).
A big hug!
— trochee
yep gotta agree with the previous comments in general trochee - this has some great rhythms to it, interesting dialogues, and sharp, caustic witty observations ;)
I can see the room of people, something velvety, a low murmur, and the whine flowing...
the title is pure internet cool ;D
nice work...
— Mongrol
excellent poem, especially second stanza, witty
— gjenkins
i find your poems too wordy. i feel this is deliberate on your part to paint a picture that is doesnt need painting.
try minimalism it may help
— unknown
nice use of the first word in your poem. good humor as well.
i like this. really clever.
— listen
I wonder what they would say?
I love the idea.
— section4
this is good. i would be interested to see a similar crafted poem written with beds replaced as the subject, but i guess that's just a reflection of my sordid mind. i can't pick out any good lines here because they are all rather topping. well done!
— raskolniikov
thank you all for reading and commenting this piece. i am glad most of you have enjoyed this one. thank you mongrol, gjenkins, unknown ( yea you damn right, i feel it too, working on it, will keep in mind, may be theres so much that i have to say that it ends up sounding wordy sometimes).
thanks a lot listen, section 4 and raskolniikov.
— trochee
glasses are fragile antagonists. "Clatter secrets" is a gorgeous image.
— banditfemme
I'm unsure of your mind openness poet, but might I suggest a few simple edits which make this piece DEEPER rather than better?
— unknown
is there a way you can avoid using the word 'beware' at the end of this. It is such a drastic shift in diction, and a bit overdramatic for a poem that is quite good.
— joshcoops
thanks BF.
sweet unknown had i not been open to suggestions then i would have never posted this poem here. let me know the changes, i am interested. thanks for reading.
thanks josh.
initially i had "listen" instead of "beware". you think i should go back to it?
— trochee
the concept is nice in this, but so overconstructed, i feel. for sure it's going to be the first time some of the readers have really abstracted themselves into the mechanisms of desire, and they're all agog... but, really, the lipstick on the glass is the porn -- the stickiness is with me all through the reading, and more interesting than that california zinfindel being embraced by keely smith on the sofa. transforming that kiss relationship into kinetics -- making us the lips -- is really where this might go -- especially with your fine sensibility.
— joey
its alright i guess
seems a little heavy on the adjectives which im not a big fan of i think the challenge of writing should sometimes be to find good actors and make good action rather than have a kick ass set decorator and costume designer but whatever
mustaches and lies go well there was something i heard years ago about the psychology of facial hair and im happy to read among as amongst rarely works for me but seems to be employed quite often when its not necessary
good poem
— chuckle_s
you lose me by line 8 as your good intentions for the list of "what the glass knows" becomes lost, weakened as i read on.
and a specific tragedy: "of crafty fingers"
it drags fingernails down the chalkboard.
— unknown
Thank you joey. thank you chuckles. thank you sweet unknown.
— trochee
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