poetry critical

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between two earths

that light play light
on curled
strands of hair--
shadows 'twixt, bound to
body, borne on air.
'tween the spaces
where form is found,
light shaping body
out of the black
(and into the blue)
for slim slow
shadow dance--
with flow, water
the sky, its back
softly glows
like mermaid scales
singing into deep--
water as the song
the sea as instrument.
moon and spellbound toe
make waves, rolling
water streaks with melodies
silver streaming through
as sunlight breaks
the peace.
but from toe the light
smiles out from dark,
and limbs form between
sky and sea--
shadow bleeds
on ocean skin; white foam,
crest, and salt
like falling leaves
caught between two earths.

6 Jun 08

Rated 10 (8.6) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 2, 5, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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like falling leaves
caught between two earths.

I wished I had written these lines.. :)
 — markfelician

lovely. Imagery amazing... I love the way it's laid out and the words you use to portray the overall emotion. This poem just "awe"s me.
 — Porcelain_Lo

ugh, that shadow dance is terrible.
sorry man, it ruins this.

"shaping body
light from black"?

L15, please remove "and" so that this can glisten, glow.  =-)

mermaid scales sing?? no.
mermaid scales shine, reflect, sink perhaps.

L12: "make waves" is better.
"rolling to the deep" is nicer.

lovely first stanza apart from the points mentioned,
and i loved 28 to the end. (except line 29 which needs some help with the unpoetic mouthful that it currently is).

sorry if i sound bossy,
but this needs some polish.

but hey, nice writing
and i enjoy reading your stuff regularly.
 — jenakajoffer

i really love the couplet at the end.
just a bit too wordy, i think, or i'm
just not yet getting the hang of this
hang-over. nice sonics even if a bit

: )
 — fractalcore

there's a lot of promise in this. i just can't put my finger on
which places you should do more work on to effect fluidity.
there's a synaptic manhole after |10 and it makes me eat
my shit instead in my haste to get to the other bank of the
river and i'm hungry for a different thing. meanwhile, i see
rainbow submarines, er i imagine, i should say. or i'm just
still drunk.
: )
 — fractalcore

how 'bout a space after |9 and make |10 a new strophe
on its own then delete |11. i dunno but that would for me.
nighty night again, hehe.
: )
 — fractalcore

wood work for me, duht is.
: )
 — fractalcore

-- your layered use of language provides a lush landscape for the Poetic eye to play -- percepts and insights like crystals strewn with many reflections -- a captured part of the day where your eyes are open reflecting the world in visceral lucidity -- I'm not sure of the last strophe but I relate to the beach scenes and Sun rise and waves crashing on the shore --
 — AlchemiA

i still do think it needs that pause after |10.
|11 should have its own strophe/line to shine.
: )
 — fractalcore

i meant:

i still do think it needs that pause after |9.
|10 should have its own strophe/line to shine.
: )
 — fractalcore

hmm, looking at the piece now, i'm apt to say that |9 should
be "out of the black" and that |10 makes the pause a little too
long as line |11 urgently needs to expose itself right there right
then. a shadow dance doesn't need that much description so
please ditch |10.
: )
 — fractalcore

ok, it fits well.
: )
 — fractalcore

saw this the other day it was by unknown i checked joeys profile but he hadnt been on that day at that point yes that is a compliment
 — chuckle_s

those () in |10 are fantastic and do make
the line stand out instead of soften it.

pleasure is mine.
: )
 — fractalcore

there is something both contemplative and wistful in this, a longing, and lines like ..

moon and spellbound toe make waves

falling leaves between two earths

.. reflective to a thought, creative to the moment of memory being captured..

sweetly melancholic... which I always enjoy..
 — Mongrol

i totally agree with you, Mong.
see you around.
: )
 — fractalcore

Majestic, lunar and liquid-y writing, Andrew.  LOVE it, buddy!  "10."
 — starr

i loved it!!! i can not help but wonder what you were thinking when writing this? it is so true in many ways and can august to different peoples lives great work
 — unknown

 — stout

 — rattlesnakes

 — DeformedLion


 — DeformedLion

ey, AndrewformedLion.

so what happened to your own comments here?
nevermind; good to see you back, dude.
: )
 — fractalcore

I never left.
 — DeformedLion

you didn't but your comments did.
how bizarre.
; )
 — fractalcore

Sorry Andrew - you just reminded me of someone.

He's very good also :-)
 — rattlesnakes

random  poem bump
 — DeformedLion

Its been a  while since i have come bak to this ...and all i end up seeing are the creaks and hanging fruits which have turned to rot...ha, interesting how blind you can make yourself to your own faults- as if this was once an organ helping to sustain life function...Am still bloody fond of it no doubt, am ever fond of myself its true...

am such a sure shine fuckwit too.

plus made some slight edits. not sure why. maybe a teensy bit tidier now. like %0.5
 — DeformedLion

you failed to see the creaks and rot
addressing all my bids, did not--
of mermaid scales and scythes of blue
if ever i was fond of you
wielding words from arse to ear,
it ever wasn't here.

 — jenakajoffer

 — unknown

 — unknown

 — unknown