poetry critical

online poetry workshop

remind me

turning over a new leaf
this spring
burning bridges
crossing my fingers
singing, always whistling the same tune
(maybe in time you'll want to be mine)
this is all an orgasmic retinal ploy,
stories told in vast lack of proportions
distortions, rather,
for no memory would be complete without it

**you, him, her, he, she it SHIT i keep talking and NOTHING IS COMING OUT

10 Jun 08

Rated 4 (8) by 1 users.
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Inactive (2): 4, 10, 10

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 — Aziel

gay gay gay gay gay.  Someone critique.
 — Aziel

Please critique.
 — Aziel

I can't sit by while you stand over me, watching for something I might undo. So sit down and catch your breath, and maybe I'll stand by you.
 — Cerulise

the first 2 lines are the best of the whole work (if you discount the cliche on |6 and the misuse of "tower" in |2)

otherwise it just degenerates into a child's tantrum of a hiss.
 — Virgil

Have you ever seen an aspen tree?  The roots are taller than the average man at times.

Otherwise, thanks.
 — Aziel

read this.
didnt quite appeal to me.
too verbal.
 — trochee

I really like this. The flow of it feels very natural to me and it makes me feel a bit agitated in the way I get agitated when I'm emotional and slightly overwrought - the words push me on and it makes me personally feel in this poem. Maybe it reminds me of the way I get so caught up in my emotions when I write but you manage not to over do it.
 — smugzy

Edited.  Tell me what you think.
 — Aziel