poetry critical

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i would
           love Him to be,
                                    simple --
is not my consciousness
when He visits -- uninvited,
                                    a red gift
in my tabernacle, the surprise;
the price: i'm all-ready paying
       for my ride to the next
...He's out there somewhere
                                catching up...
                sooner or later
the core of Being is mass-[s]aged
        @ The Spa[ce] to zero
                                       visibility --
the very reason why He
oftentimes arrives
late or sometimes too
                                 eagerly early
                               for yet another
                    session with the Lady with
                              a pungent Heart.
          other times, it's just
                   too hard to tell
                                             if His hiking shoos
                                             are oversized
                       so i bother with my own
                             and keep walking.

written 05/24/08
revised 06/13/08
thanks again, joey.

       /   \
  : )

11 Jun 08

Rated 8 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8
Inactive (4): 1, 8, 10, 10

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8 does not agree or rather 14 does not agree with 8
nice poem anyhow
 — chuckle_s

i was expecting someone to point that out.
too soon or sudden a shift in |14? |13 doesn't
do what it is supposed to suggest then. any
suggestions, chuckle_s? would hermitage or
cave work in lieu of tabernacle?

thanks for reading.
: )
 — fractalcore

this longing is never assuaged -- a constant remember of the ever forever -- megrims my mulligrubs in colic am I -- An ill-tempered person who cannot fly -- the cure is to believe in impossible things


Alice laughed.  `There's no use trying,' she said: `one CAN'T believe impossible things.'

`I daresay you haven't had much practise,' said the Queen. `When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

This kick starts the mind and helps create new local pathways synaptically, thus growing the mulligrubbed mind to wonder again.

Habits create tunnel vision that takes the joy out of life and dampens Reality Selection abilities with 'rule' based expectations. The doubt based paradigmension. Thus seeing only the Map and not the Territory.

Co-create with Joy Fractalisciously. The Heart is the key to Wondrous things, Impossible things ...
 — AlchemiA

Oh this longing heart,
dreams of flying in freedom,
always falls in love!
 — AlchemiA

thanks, AlchemiA.

i'd say that The Heart is always In Love.
: )
 — fractalcore


we -- ourselves -- are our only ticket to the unlocking of
the Mysteries and Secrets...sinless and otherwise.
: )
 — fractalcore

i like lines 11-16.  i dont like lines 1-3 because i prefer people to be with sin, it makes them more exciting.  i must add that i do like how you dedicate poems to other poets. the poets of old did this. i am always upside down after reading your poems but found this one alittle more softer on the edges. good poem.
 — raskolniikov

hi, rask.

|3 is an intentional move; the idea behind it is to recognize
the existence of "sin" -- in Him, him, me (who's also a he),
Her, her, you -- as the precedent "would" would tell you/us
and, also, "sin" is used here with many facets. also, that ","
at the end of |2 is significant, emulating the emphasis that
joey highlighted in his own poem.

thank you so much for your poetry; i learn new things from
each new piece you post.
: )
 — fractalcore

and this isn't really/just about human realtionships; it's about
how related we are to "Him" or "Her" and if there's really a
difference between the you, me, Him, Her, it, and It.

yeah, it's hard to tell if the shoos are oversized or if there's
even a pair of feat there.
; )
 — fractalcore

and rask, there's a lot of beautiful things on PC to
be inspired with, including all the moments of bickering
where we find all these minds shine their own lusters.
oh yes, we can tell the difference in their intensities
that can only be dictated by the amount of truth they
can muster/perceive. intuition is such a strange term
and these little quarrels are little revelations to learn
from. at least that's what i think they are.
: )
 — fractalcore

your poems are so unique, Fractalcore. you've done that here again. stanza six has your eyes.
 — listen

oof, i'd be cool if this wasn't a resurfacing of what was really a path through the dunes. the word "sin" is one of those symbols i meant -- others are "man"... "friend"... "human" -- i wanted to say that he had no form except in my consciousness. this poem of yours is fun for that reason, a "burlesque" of mine -- all the small things inflated with an air pump and leaking.

i know that i'm a shit, but i don't think that i'm anyone but this person writing when i write poetry. if not, then it's not a poem. i think that's why this one of yours isn't really a poem -- cause it's too precocious. dude, it's hair-cut "ironic", really -- full of up-you-endo.
 — joey

so maybe i'm invisible here and contradicted as
something without corporeality as this piece is as
you said fun enough for a burlesque lacking the
very foundation that makes it a poem. it was fun
writing it and it sparkles in some areas.

will "shortcomings" work in lieu of "sin" then? or
nothing really works as an adjective for a concept
that will always remain a concept? at least Its
behavioral pattern defines how/what It is and "ironic"
would be one of those descriptions that fit.
: )
 — fractalcore

ok, how 'bout this for an edit, joey?
: )
 — fractalcore

and btw, thanks for the very kind words, listen.
do you think this version works better?
: )
 — fractalcore

so is this still problematic?
: )
 — fractalcore

jaw-wee, is this still problematic and precocoius?
are you hanging in there ok?  answer me, man.
: )
 — fractalcore

—CerealKiller cyberslut Roguerz RogueClown rbcp token n3gs thehand  RBCP2 Spessa, chickenomics, RobTFire, Killer_dan, STARBUCKS, Lestan, cyberslut, Murd0c, BellSouth  and  PLA_GOAWAY fighting is the old paradigmension duality striken and tunnel vision'd
 — AlchemiA

Killer_dan, what you and your friends are doing
is uncalled for. i can't even call it crazy, maybe
bad-crazy but definitely not good-crazy.

but thanks for stopping by.
: )
 — fractalcore

ey Alch, i guess they're still around on a great dissing spree.
: )
 — fractalcore

some delicious cukk-tie for me?
thank you, unky.

i want a million more.
: )
 — fractalcore

...a pungent heart.....if His hiking shoos stink...     the connection is more visible now.
 — unknown

thanks for reading, unk.
: )
 — fractalcore

ey joey, is this still crappy?
: )
 — fractalcore

i think you are a better you than you are me, and i don't know what this poem is really about. allz i can say iz that i left all souls for one body, and the body didn't want me, so i invented him as one of the souls. i don't think he was, and i'm always making geniuses out of people who just want to have a good time.
 — joey

did "sinless" sting bad?
: )
 — fractalcore

did it?
: )
 — fractalcore

well, i don't know the concept of "sin" intuitively, and the word itself, knowing it used in other poems, is usually used as a social reference -- a control mechanism -- and i was trying to avoid all social reference -- "symbol" -- in this poem of mine. if you could substitute "wordless" for "sinless", if you could reach that point in writing, then you'd see what i was trying to do, because the ending stanza of my poem, the "core of love" is a recreation of the word -- an acceptance that saying something to someone is saying it as someone knows it. "sin", as substance, would have made the last stanza a reinvention of "sin", and there is no such thing as wrong in the eye of god, since god is a symbol, and my friend was real.
 — joey

i used "sinless" here as a description of His tardiness or libido
or need for love/acceptance/affirmation as a shortcoming when
He actually is and is supposed to be free of any, and i was
demonstrating Him to be very much human like His creation
which in reality is He Himself; and only by that gesture all of us,
your friend included, get into play.

well, i'm talking about only one thing here really and i'm inventing
Him to be with sin, and as if we all were to Him [or us, me, It, etc].

or this: I am mocking Myself, I, Him, us, you.
this has nothing to do with you "poem" aside from the very
good fact that it inspired mine, this one. but, of course, you'll have
to consider the possibility that i'm actually talking about you, your
friend, and your poem.
: )
 — fractalcore

i meant "sinless" to mean "sin".
: )
 — fractalcore

this comment of yours

"i think you are a better you than you are me, and i don't know what this poem is really about. allz i can say iz that i left all souls for one body, and the body didn't want me, so i invented him as one of the souls. i don't think he was, and i'm always making geniuses out of people who just want to have a good time.
— joey          [ !]\"

partly explains the poem. you really are a very sensitive dued, dued.
if only all of us can see that.
: )
 — fractalcore

sensitive = keen
: )
 — fractalcore

i'm not much of a poet
   nor a writer;
i'm more of a critic,
   a caviler.

i don't know about your meters,
how they're written or the verse.
they often bewilder,
at times, they give the jitters.

but this i have to say,
not to your dismay...

    those who understand them,
    can attest... you're a brilliant man.

i'm giving you a '10'
not because you're a friend.
this one's '10'
coz of the message it sends.  
 — enkantada

hi, enkantada.

it's a great pleasure to read your comments.
welcome to PC and i can't wait to see your very first post.
you can't deny what shows.
or so me knows.

thanks so much.
: )
 — fractalcore

 — unknown

omg, you are so gay.
i love it.

It is sudden
but who cares.
 — unknown

don't forget to wash the make-up
off your face before going to bed.

but your partner would wanna see
you lipstick on, so...

yeah, hook airs?
; )
 — fractalcore