poetry critical

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Poem for B-- D----
OKcomputer

Perchance, perhps we're one and two
 1
Carry in our shoes the Hes the Hows and the Whose turned rude
 2
the guy who people can't help but turn a deaf ear to
 3
(that's me and you
 4
who's 1 and 2
 5
of one and two.)
 6
 
 
perhaps perchance it was right to do
 7
to knock on the stupid and salute the few
 8
perchaps perchaunce it's that we know
 9
the same old rug and the same old cold
 10
and have cooked raw thoughts in the same old stove
 11
forced to've walkt th' same ode dart road
 12
each have stolen a few broken light bulbs
 13
from a blind man in the blood-oil factory robe
 14
and its a mighty sin cause we can see his clothes.
 15
 
 
born we both from the same old door.
 16
day dream about screwin the same loud whore
 17
one's in me and one's in you
 18
together they make both one two for the bruisin
 19
two who could use a good losin
 20
A few good things that we can do,
 21
and one or two in mines and you.
 22
 
 
And more than that
 23
fell from your hat
 24
and hit the floor
 25
before my door
 26
and gave two knocks
 27
i thought were cops
 28
but it was you
 29
and howdy do
 30
i in-tro-duce
 31
from me to you
 32
a me i've left
 33
for you to do
 34
to leave to thee
 35
my cabinet key
 36
a me for you
 37
a you who's blue
 38
from head to shoe
 39
i'll let you know
 40
i love you too
 41
when you give the phrase
 42
for me and mine
 43
a phrase for me and mine to find
 44
a kind reply behind my eye
 45
 
 
for now i wait
 46
for fate to set us straight
 47
designate a date
 48
for coffee and talk
 49
around the block
 50
whenever you're free for
 51
young company
 52
 
 
I remember my dream
 53
from last I sleeped.
 54

27 Jun 08

Rated 9 (10) by 2 users.
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Inactive (2): 10, 10

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Comments:

||19-20 make for a good break from the eminent
rhyme pattern...like a sweet, wanton transition which
you're able to nail down to facilitate that other half
which is as good as the first one.

long live Bob Dylan.
: )
 — fractalcore

and you, of course.

: )
 — fractalcore

oh, whew, i was hanging on an edge there ;) heart
 — OKcomputer

yeah, i think that's where you climaxed right there
but still had a lot to say in the aftermath.

nice graph it would make, i think.
: )
 — fractalcore

nice wordplay, btw.
: )
 — fractalcore

Unusual take on Dylan which could operate well as two seperate poems methinks

Larry wharehouse eyes Lark
 — larrylark

i think dylan's songs worked because he wasn't a poet -- he just borrowed a lot of phrases he'd picked up hanging around big-people and old guys. this one doesn't work well as a song, and it's a verse, in the way that dr. seuss work is verse, and has to only fulfill the needs of its limited audience. there's nothing wrong with this on that level, though it reads childish to me -- childish, not as pure expression but as contrived wording to impress the big-people.
 — joey

whew! read this back when, but course dint co-meant. now took a while to find and heap praises und heils onto its wonderful endrhyminess. really good stuff, and also i think the sounds that ent up being end repetitioned were well chosen, or at least they chose you well; very singsongy ramalamahey-HO
 — chuckle_s

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