poetry critical

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L-oo-k at me Please (you)

Can't explain why I had
to be everything you wanted
me to become without
sounding un-sung lyric-ally
like someone's un-done
romance with being your
mom's best son while
at-tempting to get some;
Flush before you leave
your pride floating in-candy
-scent-ly for someone
else to poke fun and
treat you like you're
not here to mock their
done while he examines
how to use your broken
spine's drum and
protests with praise
sung dumb leaving you
half numb but feeling
full-filled after being
screwed under the sun.
Praise you for making
me a tool in your
life's dreams as I bitter
and tre(m)ble intern-aly
and ex-press myself
to wife and kids with
insecurity; watch me
self-destructibly loathe
me to fullest and love
you unconditionally and
raise my son to please
thee and live terrified
of becoming me.

3 Jul 08

Rated 9 (8.1) by 3 users.
Active (3): 2, 9, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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I really enjoyed reading this.
 — technomancer

thanks technomancer
 — section4

x-sell-lent right.
eye halved nah-thing left two say.
: )
 — fractalcore

Ewe right such g(oo)d poetry, (ewe.)
 — starr

thanks fc and starr, always a play-sure to read you comma-mints.
 — section4

nice poem.
 — hank

heard stuff like this outside of highschool. How is this the number 1 recent best...
 — SeanConnery

Cool wordplay.
 — nugunz

Thanks nugunz.

And Sean Connery do you mean highschool or highs-school? Must have heard the same stuff I heard out of high school cause that's when I picked it up.
(that and half my annoyingly immature personality traits) Thanks for reading.
 — section4

Nah.  I'll turn on the local rock station if I want to hear this kind of thing.
 — aurelius

I like these "slam" poems if they're done right and this is done right.  I can see this being read at an open mic night and people diggin' it.
 — JKWeb