poetry critical

online poetry workshop


They said he was a flake, that he wasn’t
worthy enough to give the cold shoulder,
when all he did was show caution. It
wasn’t ignorance, just a desire to be careful.
He began to open his words, but then that
became the concern. He would melt on them.
They couldn’t handle his real warmth.
They decided to enucleate his eyes. It was a
nuclear reaction, as his kindness kicked in to
hyperdrive. He realized they were sick of him
being the nucleus of this corrupt world.
What bothered him was how they believed
angels were so much better than mortality.
It was unfair thinking, and that was what let him
mourn anyway. They led him to an alley, and he
went with his hands cuffed, their goal to stop this
criminal from making the world a place to live in.
They stabbed him with knife blades, and he
bled purity. He would never understand why
they were the ones that could not see.

3 Jul 08

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (0): 10

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beautiful :)
Angels never understand that which the poem says in the last line..
i like the idea in l12-13 too
 — nisetru

Nisetru, thank you. i'm glad you liked this. your hopeful type picked up on its meaning; that means a lot.
 — listen

cool, i though this was yours...

what bothers me is line 13...just the wording- better, for one.

enuclueate is a fun sounding word- i like that, and lines 18 and 19 especially.
characterisation really does seem your strong point.
 — DeformedLion

a good view of hypocrisy and everyday human failing, blaming others for situations so easily changed, the addiction to misery...

lines 9 to 11 are so very well crafted and displayed.

added to favourites - if only to remind me how to continue to behave in the face of nihillism ;)
 — Mongrol

l1 - worthy perhaps would be a better choice. no?
'he wasn't worthy enough for the cold shoulder'.

nice poem, listen. as always.
 — unknown

thanks. everyone.

i appreciate it. DeformedLion, i'll think on that line. the original line was, (how they believed) angels were so much better than the average mortal. do you think that sounds better? either way, i'll think about what i could change it to.

Mongrol, thanks for the favorite. i'm glad you liked this.

and Varun ... thanks for stopping by. worth has been changed.

 — listen

pretty damn good.
: )
 — fractalcore

thank you for reading this, Fractalcore. and favoriting.
 — listen

-- this reminds me of Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein -- a look at the innocent pure and Alien/Angelic being that lives in each of us if we dare to live with Heart -- we are as Gods if only we realEYES -- I GROK this
 — AlchemiA

AlchemiA, i appreciate your comment a lot.
 — listen

We are all beaten black and blue in one way or another at the anvil of corruption

Larry the darkness Lark
 — larrylark

thank you Larry. your comment is indeed very accurate.
 — listen