poetry critical

online poetry workshop

River Playing

The river runs quick
with a twig freely flowing.
A leaf gently falls.

6 Jul 08

Rated 9 (9.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8
Inactive (3): 7, 10, 10, 10

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Too easy!  Though I'm one to talk
 — technomancer

: )
 — fractalcore

 — nisetru

the "ing" thing in 3 is outside this poem. can you find a stronger word or wording, one which shows "surviving" while maintaining the rhythm of water splash you've so well set up in the beginning?

indeed, water doesn't survive rocks; rocks survive water, or not.
 — joey

thanks for all the comments.

joey i agree, when i wrote this last night i couldn't think of anything better.  hows it now?
 — bear

kind of rough, like a sign saying "here's a little thought" spray painted on a river boulder.
 — joey

hows that joey?
 — bear

Should it be quickly?  Also, the twig freely flows.  

The river runs quickly,
a twig freely flows.

Liberated thoughts.  

Very small poem, very clear poem.  
 — Isabelle5

any word like "liberated" is a macro in a spreadsheet, referencing another spreadsheet. the word "liberated" simple means nothing -- even less than the word "thoughts" i think. you want to construct an object which represents liberation and you want it to be very cool, very smart and not just a mobile of cuban flags or something -- you want to get the visualization and space sense down for the audience so that they're the one's who have to leap to the next trapeze. anything else is just like show and tell, where you have to talk a million years to explain that the little rock in your hand is from the grand canyon. -- umm, yeh, well, some people are going to isabellize that and say, "well, what's wrong with the grand canyon??? -- don't you like nature...???" and i've got to say that the kid just wanted to show this rock and talk about his vacation trip. that's a lot for a poem to have to hump, when all it's supposed to be doing is rafting down the impassable river.
 — joey

thank you! i understand what you mean. i just have to think about this for a long while i feel. ill be sure to ask once i make the change to this.
 — bear

i really respect what you're doing, and i know you're trying to find the word-world to match both the vision of the concept and, at the same time, invent nature itself. when i was 16 i started writing "haiku" and wrote probably 4 or 5 hundred. i think that, really, the only satisfaction from haiku in english is in writing them -- getting closer to knowing how to say it. but, even the translations by some pretty good translators seem lamer to me now, and as interesting as chalk instead of cheese, in a grilled-cheese. but, the working at it and getting flexible and coordinated with language and rhythm is very fine, i think. at the same time as this writing of haiku i was just learning how to read and act "shakespeare" and the one informed the other and that was a fun time in my life. of course, i was also just discovering the non-conversationals -- whitman and pound and eliot and all -- and hadn't yet enough beat poetry to understand why it was an inventive writing. if i were young now, i don't know what i'd look for. probably i'd do what my writer friends do and find someone old like me and just sort of watch my moves and look at some of the poets i talk about. the real thing i think i have to offer is just that fact that i believe so intensely in poetry as a unique thing and an art.
 — joey

thanks joey, i finally appreciate the things you say. im new to this whole writing thing, im just finishing up my third year of trying to seriously write. i know we butt heads sometimes, but what can i say? im young and stubborn. but im starting to learn. hows this look?
 — bear

Really good.

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