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'Alas Sir'

like blunt points
or bent blades
your words completely miss
the paced threat
i didn't want to kill you
(back and forth)
arm candy
loving your bludgeoning
location lost on her
i'm sorry i stabbed you
in the cock
i just wanted to
hand you a

9 Jul 08

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 10

(define the words in this poem)
(32 more poems by this author)

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tasty! perhaps toss "like" and begin straight off with a metaphor, not a simile:

blunt points
and bent shafts

and l 12 looks a little weighty. What abou this?:

I merely wanted to . . .

I enjoy the speculation tucked inside your poem; trinities are very interesting.
 — banditfemme

collecting phrases to hurt is ok if you use them on yourself. the problem isn't about the ethics, it's that the wording of the poem points always outside the poem, and that makes it an advertisement blurb. really boring, trite writing... not very well thought out... too-easy and yet seemingly over-contrived to the point of tying the author up in knots on a chair in the basement of dreams.
 — joey

so adrian brought his girlfriend and got a bit big for his breeches and you let him have it as a means to bestow some small humility upon him before he drown in his cockiness?
 — chuckle_s

en garde!
 — chuckle_s

good poem
 — stout

Actually I'm his wife (for my sins!) and us girls never mind a bit of cockiness!
 — unknown

In more ways than one!
 — unknown

ok i admit it i'm a beaten. coud i have a clue an then i will most gladly crit.
 — unknown

nice poem, sir.

here's some suggestions -

consider 'or' instead of 'and' in l2.
consider moving 'clapping' in l7 to the previous line.

i think you can do without 'merely' in l12.

 — unknown

Thank you.
 — sir_I_clan

ok i admit it i'm a beaten. could i have a clue an then i will most gladly crit.
— unknown         &nbs p;[!]

Its just a poem about fencing.
 — sir_I_clan

how can a poem be about anything but the author? "fencing" isn't real without a "fencer".
 — joey

stabbed you in the cock...that really made me laugh.
what an ass. =-)

funny, sir.  i like line 9 too.
 — jenakajoffer