|Patron Saint of Nails
Hair whipped elegant with spray,
Lips painted red.
My hands are soft and deliciously delicate.
Purveyor of nails, I have become
sweeping each block like a faithful Avon lady.
Have to swing these hips, have to smile a bit wider, need more gossip to spill.
To attract customers, you see.
Never will they see my face distort
from the heat of the sun, or the injury of life.
I know better.
9 Jul 08
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I think the first line would read better as "hair whipped elegant with spray." Try and avoid ly words unless they're necessary for the description. In this case it doesn't seem to be. Also, beginning the line with hair implies that the "spray" will be hair spray.
You can get rid of "with" in the second line too.
My favorite part of the poem is that the first stanza is completely void of "I" and "me" which are litered throughout the rest. I'd try the poem without those words and see how it works.
thank you :)_
shouldn't it be "gossip"?
"Never will they..." sounds kind of strange to me, but i guess you are stuck with it.
My only suggestion would be to drop L3 and go "My hands,/surgeon soft and deliciously delicate"...which is kind of a bad one.
i agree, DL, that that is a bad one, hehe.
just drop |3, mark.
I can't fathom why swinging your hips have a thing to do with your nails.
Gossips - wouldn't gossip be better? Never heard of multiple gossip.
Who are you trying to attract? I was thinking this was the owner of a nail salon but you'd have to be in the salon, not out swinging in the wind.
Are you a call girl whose specialty is raking her nails down a man's...you know?
hehe thank you guys for your comments.
i placed SURGEON their because that's kinda her dream when she was young, since it wasn't justified well so I guess I will be removing it.
Isabelle. Well you see for third world countries, not all of them have the luxury of having their own salons so they have to go house to house to offer their services (manicure ,pedicure and haircut). So no, she ain't a hoe. :)
Well, that would be a good intro or footnote for those of us who don't know that! Without knowing that, it makes no sense.
Perhaps, since she is not the patron, the title should be Purveyor of Nails or Patron Saint of Nails.
Yes! Now if you changed patron to purveyor in line 4, it will be spotlessly clear to all who read it!
Ah, you are the best at small revisions! This is good, now that I know that it is. I'm curious how you came by the knowledge of nail ladies in other countries.
from the philippines !
what I meant was, I'm from the Philippines so I know they do exist :)
Oh, didn't know that. My kids dad's family is from there. They never mentioned the nail ladies!
it only exist in the squatter areas
I think I'd best stop commenting on the end of your poems now :P I thought you were talking about a Jehovah's Witness, and I thought it was great. They visit me each fortnight, dressed immaculately, smiling in the way only those with all the answers can smile. I hazard a guess this is good writing if Isabelle is seeing a salon whore, and I'm seeing a Jehovah's Witness :D
no please comment on all my poems, I insist. hehe