poetry critical

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She has an natural high about her
bettalpha

Vine leaves and grapes
 1
painted on the piano.
 2
"Drink its aromatic plonk"
 3
says Louisa-May,
 4
as she opens the lid
 5
in anticipation
 6
that dawn will soon break;
 7
a voice of ivory
 8
blossoming like wine.
 9
 
 
Afternoon, Louisa-May's a muse
 10
sat on the spring bonnet of a car
 11
riddled with shot.
 12
She poses seductively,
 13
comfortable in her skin, lounging
 14
among the marijuana and tomato plants.
 15
 
 
Louisa-May unfurls and rubs her nose,
 16
raises a teaselled glass.
 17
"Tell me you love me" she says
 18
"like a stranger
 19
with grass stains on his fingers"
 20

11 Jul 08

Rated 9.3 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1
Inactive (13): 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

this divested a moment of animal attraction in action with fullness and verve in her seductive pose -- there are pointers like signs here and there that would become more like an experience for the reader is writ with your realEYESations -- mostly it is a well made drawing of a historic moment well imbibed
 — AlchemiA

oh, you painted such a nostalgic day
with a lady called Louisa-May.

i'm sure those fingers got a lot dirtier
right after that drink.
: )
 — fractalcore

this has a natural flattening of the reading in it, painted on the margins, like penciled-in phone numbers to some place maybe more interesting to read. there's a delicacy of language which arises out of a perfectly written poem and there's a borrowing of style off those moves which inevitably fails to work magic on anyone who's read poetry and likes it in and of itself. this one is a costume piece for community theatre, and some of the minor actors are pretty good -- "comfortable in her skin, lounging" was charming on stage and always bright and seductive... but the leads were simply fill-in for the lead, and should really be doing comedy club... "she opens the door in anticipation that dawn will soon break", seemed to be watching a clock off-stage when she spoke her lines.
 — joey

wow this is amazing, great portrait of an interesting artificial and loud lady, like in an older novel.
 — nisetru

This is gorgeous... I especially like the first stanza...
 — dele

I think your simile is a little weak on line 9; I understand that wine can blossom, but generally it ripens or ages,  I think.  Also needs some punctuation to go with the quotation.

Who is Louisa-May?  The time structure is... jumpy?

Other than that very good, 9/10 content but only 7 for technical, to average at an 8.
 — technomancer

Oh, yes. I recall this being posted before, and having a problem with the woman being named Camilla?
 — unknown

I think I'm falling in love with Miss May.  Write on.
 — nugunz

this is very good. lines like 13-15 bring it out. The ending is the best 18-20. relatable and beautiful.
 — Luxy

makes me think of the Gables, you know, Anne?
probably not though.
she'd never have sex or smoke pot.
or would she???
=-)

nevermind me, nice poem
i enjoyed it.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Sexual. Good good stuff.
 — themolly

needs more development
 — unknown

what does "development" mean to you, and why should this author bother with you? can you describe something in this in a way that might show the author what you have in mind? maybe even re-write part of this in "developed"? you're not giving a critique, and that's maybe not your fault -- it may be that you've never learnt to write one or even needed to sound more than "thug" to stop the blah-blah drowning you?
 — joey

Makes no sense to me...
 — unknown

What does teaselled mean?
 — Linnac

Louisa-May's a muse -- i like it. and indeed.
this sort of makes my vision a little screwed up, like, not really blurry, but just that weird kind of fuzziness around the peripherals
13 is a bit of a tongue twister
nice poem
 — chuckle_s

"voice of ivory blossoming like wine"
favorite line, everything correlates and your are beautifullly on target. Elaborate on your other senses and tell me what this girl smells of and what kind of high she makes you feel.
 — Dark

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