|She has an natural high about her
Vine leaves and grapes
painted on the piano.
"Drink its aromatic plonk"
as she opens the lid
that dawn will soon break;
a voice of ivory
blossoming like wine.
Afternoon, Louisa-May's a muse
sat on the spring bonnet of a car
riddled with shot.
She poses seductively,
comfortable in her skin, lounging
among the marijuana and tomato plants.
Louisa-May unfurls and rubs her nose,
raises a teaselled glass.
"Tell me you love me" she says
"like a stranger
with grass stains on his fingers"
11 Jul 08
Rated 9.3 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 1, 8, 10
Inactive (13): 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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this divested a moment of animal attraction in action with fullness and verve in her seductive pose -- there are pointers like signs here and there that would become more like an experience for the reader is writ with your realEYESations -- mostly it is a well made drawing of a historic moment well imbibed
oh, you painted such a nostalgic day
with a lady called Louisa-May.
i'm sure those fingers got a lot dirtier
right after that drink.
this has a natural flattening of the reading in it, painted on the margins, like penciled-in phone numbers to some place maybe more interesting to read. there's a delicacy of language which arises out of a perfectly written poem and there's a borrowing of style off those moves which inevitably fails to work magic on anyone who's read poetry and likes it in and of itself. this one is a costume piece for community theatre, and some of the minor actors are pretty good -- "comfortable in her skin, lounging" was charming on stage and always bright and seductive... but the leads were simply fill-in for the lead, and should really be doing comedy club... "she opens the door in anticipation that dawn will soon break", seemed to be watching a clock off-stage when she spoke her lines.
wow this is amazing, great portrait of an interesting artificial and loud lady, like in an older novel.
This is gorgeous... I especially like the first stanza...
I think your simile is a little weak on line 9; I understand that wine can blossom, but generally it ripens or ages, I think. Also needs some punctuation to go with the quotation.
Who is Louisa-May? The time structure is... jumpy?
Other than that very good, 9/10 content but only 7 for technical, to average at an 8.
Oh, yes. I recall this being posted before, and having a problem with the woman being named Camilla?
I think I'm falling in love with Miss May. Write on.
this is very good. lines like 13-15 bring it out. The ending is the best 18-20. relatable and beautiful.
makes me think of the Gables, you know, Anne?
probably not though.
she'd never have sex or smoke pot.
or would she???
nevermind me, nice poem
i enjoyed it.
Sexual. Good good stuff.
needs more development
what does "development" mean to you, and why should this author bother with you? can you describe something in this in a way that might show the author what you have in mind? maybe even re-write part of this in "developed"? you're not giving a critique, and that's maybe not your fault -- it may be that you've never learnt to write one or even needed to sound more than "thug" to stop the blah-blah drowning you?
Makes no sense to me...
What does teaselled mean?
Louisa-May's a muse -- i like it. and indeed.
this sort of makes my vision a little screwed up, like, not really blurry, but just that weird kind of fuzziness around the peripherals
13 is a bit of a tongue twister
"voice of ivory blossoming like wine"
favorite line, everything correlates and your are beautifullly on target. Elaborate on your other senses and tell me what this girl smells of and what kind of high she makes you feel.