poetry critical

online poetry workshop

What is Your Basic Malfunction?

you don't seem stupid
why would you
sing Christian gospel songs
to a spiritual girl
who has iterated (repeatedly)
her scathing contempt for organized religion?
and why do you
continue to speak in spirals
to a sharp tongued girl
who has said (repeatedly)
how much she loathes indirect, politically correct, around-speak?
and why do you
wax poetic about romance and candle light and making love
to a hedonistic girl
who has stated (repeatedly)
that she likes to FUCK (with the lights on)?
but most of all
why don't you see the irony
in telling me (repeatedly)
that i just haven't met the right guy yet
when you think you're him?
you profess to "love" me
you are convinced you're the "guy" for me
you're just waiting for me to be "ready"
you look right through me
words go in one ear and out the other
and you can't read the writing on the wall
the only logical conclusion
not only is love blind
it's deaf as a doorknob
and dumb as a fuckin' stump

12 Jul 08

Rated 9.5 (7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1
Inactive (7): 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(129 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


i have been drinking today (something i rarely do) and i deleted my poem by mistake and inadvertently deleted your comment aswell, sorry.  thank you for commenting, yes, it was meant to be final.

this poem of yours is not final, it seems you are asking him to come back. but what good is a blind, deaf and dumb ideology?

lines 13 through 17 are great, however 28 through 30 are not. i will endeavor to read your other works when i am sober.
 — raskolniikov

I don't believe you need lines 28-30 at all.  It seems like it's there just because it could be.  Not that it should be. Not at all.  I think you should add a break between the last two lines as well, just to give the end an extra punch.  Otherwise, I can dig it.
 — nugunz

i was never with him to begin with...this poem is about someone who fancies themselves in love with me and is pretty much clueless about how I am...

I used lines 28-30 go tie into the ending, to me the ending doesn't make a lot of sense without those lines.....?
 — sybarite

about who i am....not how i am.....it's late
 — sybarite

Good. I think your poem might hit more sharply if you reshaped the questions to statements. That beautiful title of yours wraps up all questions in one graceful sweep. So.... I'm envisaging something like this:

you don't seem stupid,
yet you sing Christian gospel songs
and so on, all the way
 — banditfemme


ephemeral rehash of skin
allergy on a daily basis

watch: snake, dance, and cla[s]ps
in it tug-ether, numb-her for the feast

note held for too long till
they you
notice and hold still --

why not

in spirals


written 07/15/08
http://www.poet rycritical.net/read/49625/
thanks, sybarite.
: )
 — fractalcore

I really like the beginning of this, its well written and thought out.  The only suggestion I have is to try taken from L18 on and turning it into a different poem, and maybe implicating the first 17 lines.  
Oh, and great last stanza!  
 — meganwhitney

take out lines 28-30. favorited. i love this, haha...
 — Sequiturist

Clever, well writ and funny.
 — JKWeb

stop swearing granma
 — unknown

just revisiting.
so this was your very first?
time flies so fast, eh?

this post of yours made me write
and i thank you for the nudge.

how's your reading of ayn rand?
; )
 — fractalcore

Lines 28-30 are catching flack from all -- including me -- because they're cliché in an otherwise fresh work. Line 33-34 could be hackneyed, but you twist that nicely with line 35.

You need better in 28-30. Think harder, and take some time. You'll find the right words.
 — Bloodfetish

Thanks for the feedback and comments, will try to figure out something for 28-30.
 — sybarite

interesting one
 — psychofemale

 — logitech

 — logitech

My totally subjective comment on Lines 28-30

I would extend the metaphor (somehow) to one who passes out religious tracts to homes with 'no solicitation' signs on them.

I stand at the door while you knock
completely missing the knockers
being shoved in your face

or something....it's really you're work.

And I only say that, as it's the noted quirk in this work. (hey, that rhymed)

10 from me
 — PaleHorse

I'm in love.
 — unknown

sybarite when are you going to put a picture up? I guess I'll just keep asking.
 — unknown

Oh my...always a surprise when an old poem hits the comment list again.  This could use some pruning...

Thank you everyone who has recently commented.

Dearest Unk--I don't know how to add a pic to my profile here...
 — sybarite

sybarite, try this:

1.Go to     http://www.imagehousing.com< /a>

2. Click the browse button, then choose one of your photos from your computer.

3. Click upload, then copy the HTML image code below.

4. Paste in the 'Short Bio/Info/Misc:' section on your PC profile page.

 — unknown

Thanks Unk--that was easy!

oh you're welcome :)
nice to see your pretty face.
love your poetry sybarite!
 — unknown

brilliant writing for the un-read. they blog at midnight.
 — cadmium