poetry critical

online poetry workshop

on the nature of things: beneath no earth.

let words reach down the throat of dawn
and write the sunrise.
the river dreams of water,
i realize i am incomplete.
as being; in delicate
pose of flower
poser, ivory vase
and circles inlaid
on dead coffee table
i am circled, date
and pen as one
flowing downstream
into stony hands
vascular, noteworthy,
brown eyes floating
and curled into
the plenty--
light arc, rainbow pleasure
drifting, sifting;
water slips through fingers
caught between
river and the air.
i falter then, between
as ash returned to flame,
time wears on, slowly; memory
eyes warn eyes of death.)
floating on a smile now,
free to dream, bright knit sweater
dirty hands
and muddy bath
child swims the dream,
no gravity,
no earth beneath the
then freedom:
a kiss between each breath.
and solitude finds itself
in the thoughts of every star,
i sleep,
i sleep,
and dream my life once more
as pulse returns to pulse
and flowers
are replaced.

12 Jul 08

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i would say that sometimes you are on the cusp of something brilliant and then it all falls down. i like the sentences and words you string together, but struggle with the direction.
 — raskolniikov

Thanks man,

I am not so suprised about the "direction" thing-- and will continue to think it over, but I am kind of pleased about the "cusp" thing. Means I have something to work towards, I guess.
 — DeformedLion

hmm, very interesting.
lovely write/ride though a little too wordy.
: )
 — fractalcore

wordy...yes, well there was a lot to say. or not. maybe.

but at the moment I am very much in love with this piece, it strikes me as the sort of writing I should be writing- as a self-wrapped me-style.

thanks for reading though.
 — DeformedLion

I think the sound you are looking for needs a nice wit or sharpness to it.  Your rhythm is bumpy.  What is the * on line 43?

I feel like you're describing the story to a party uninterested, trying to make him interested, but you need to let the greatness of the story tell itself.

I guess I'm just full of ambiguous vibes.
 — technomancer