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on the nature of things: beneath no earth.
DeformedLion

let words reach down the throat of dawn
 1
and write the sunrise.
 2
 
 
the river dreams of water,
 3
i realize i am incomplete.
 4
...
 5
 
 
 
 
truly,
 6
as being; in delicate
 7
pose of flower
 8
 
 
poser, ivory vase
 9
and circles inlaid
 10
on dead coffee table
 11
 
 
i am circled, date
 12
and pen as one
 13
flowing downstream
 14
into stony hands
 15
 
 
vascular, noteworthy,
 16
brown eyes floating
 17
and curled into
 18
the plenty--
 19
light arc, rainbow pleasure
 20
drifting, sifting;
 21
water slips through fingers
 22
caught between
 23
river and the air.
 24
 
 
i falter then, between
 25
substance,
 26
as ash returned to flame,
 27
time wears on, slowly; memory
 28
aflame.
 29
watch:
 30
 
 
 
 
(subdued,
 31
eyes warn eyes of death.)
 32
floating on a smile now,
 33
free to dream, bright knit sweater
 34
dirty hands
 35
and muddy bath
 36
child swims the dream,
 37
no gravity,
 38
no earth beneath the
 39
sky,
 40
then freedom:
 41
 
 
a kiss between each breath.
 42
 
 
*
 43
and solitude finds itself
 44
in the thoughts of every star,
 45
i sleep,
 46
i sleep,
 47
and dream my life once more
 48
as pulse returns to pulse
 49
and flowers
 50
are replaced.
 51

12 Jul 08

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Comments:

-deformedlion-

i would say that sometimes you are on the cusp of something brilliant and then it all falls down. i like the sentences and words you string together, but struggle with the direction.
 — raskolniikov

Thanks man,

I am not so suprised about the "direction" thing-- and will continue to think it over, but I am kind of pleased about the "cusp" thing. Means I have something to work towards, I guess.
 — DeformedLion

hmm, very interesting.
lovely write/ride though a little too wordy.
: )
 — fractalcore

wordy...yes, well there was a lot to say. or not. maybe.

but at the moment I am very much in love with this piece, it strikes me as the sort of writing I should be writing- as a self-wrapped me-style.

thanks for reading though.
 — DeformedLion

I think the sound you are looking for needs a nice wit or sharpness to it.  Your rhythm is bumpy.  What is the * on line 43?

I feel like you're describing the story to a party uninterested, trying to make him interested, but you need to let the greatness of the story tell itself.

I guess I'm just full of ambiguous vibes.
 — technomancer

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