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By the way of a hot iron, and a
tin of wax, a tall man stiffens
his hair, straightens his long slacks.
He proposes to look not nearly as
smooth as he will tomorrow, his day
off of love that was by stiffness borrowed.
That soft-haired bliss feels this;
the choice between a shove and a kiss.

Spontaneous poem I wrote for a person who I found out was also a bit of a poet.

I think its too moralistic.  Opinions?

18 Jul 08

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (2): 7, 10

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not too.
please consider moving borrowed to the start of 7.
 — unknown

I respectfully disagree with unknown about moving borrowed. However, may I suggest adding a comma?

"...by stiffness, borrowed."

I dig this.
 — nugunz

Both comments are interesting but don't blend well, haha.
 — technomancer

it's perfect the way it is.

i got no morals.
: )
 — fractalcore

I never waste a title opportunity - to me that says you are too lazy about your poetry to think of one - after almost two months since your post. Here it's even more important to title up, as the amount of mystery in the poem requires you give the reader all the help you can.
 — Abracadabra

I just don't have anything to add, haha, and its been maybe two years since I posted this.

And yes, I am lazy.
 — technomancer

Most poetry writers are lazy - especially when they have to read numbers - but that's twenty two more months worth of reasons for you to come up with a title the way I figure!
 — Abracadabra

At least number your Untitled. I have Untitled 1 through Untitled 6 somewhere on this world wide web---but I can't remember where I stored them. That can be a good thing, they were most likely crap anyway.

I like this write. Especially 7-8.
 — mandolyn