you're so nonchalant
almost but not quite
it approaches arrogance
stops just short of asshole
you're so fucking hot
you don't sit
you don't stand
you don't walk
i can't stop looking at you
i can't help thinking of words like
i keep in my pocket
tattered and fingerprinted
from constant handling
because i touch you
with my imagination
all the time
i don't want to meet you
i don't want to talk to you
because a thousand words (or one)
have brought ruin to perfect pictures
and felled ivory towers
i'm not willing
to let even one
unfortunate word fall from your lips
and ruin my reason
to come to work everyday
20 Jul 08
Rated 8.7 (7.3) by 8 users.
Active (8): 2, 10
Inactive (33): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 4, 4, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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(129 more poems by this author)
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ha ha! this is great.
i saw one at the photocopier on friday. a new, pretty little secretary. i love this, very funny.
I saw God in the hall other day at work. God was a hottie. :-) I like this too. I might, however, insert some punctuation throughout, just to enable this to breathe a little more fluidly and not be so chunky and all over the place. A question as well: L21. What do you keep in your pocket that's a bit tattered and fingerprinted from constant handling? You don't say or maybe I'm just reading that line wrong.
Nope. It was the way I was reading it. I got it now. :-) Good poem!
This is genius. I am love with it... maybe as much as you are in love w/your boss!
I would have only ONE suggestion, and that would be to try and find a way to either lose the "and" at the beginnings of the lines or keep them, but find another word to start the line.
I realize that sometimes, you can't get around the "and" as a line-starter. I wrote a poem today "a poem is a poem..." and I know that I used "and" as the beginning of at least one of my lines. HOWEVER... you don't really want to use "and" in a lazy fashion. Try and start the lines with a "power punch"... a verb or maybe an adjective. Give the beginning of the line all the power that it deserves.
Again, with the exception of the lines that start with "wimpy words" (like line 22 beginning with "a"), this poem is flawless and will easily reach the "Weekly Top 40" within a matter of hours. GREAT JOB! ~forbster
Thanks for the sage advice aforbing. If you happen to come back, you'll see three of the wimpy "ands" removed. Thank you for the constructive criticism and compliments. Appreciated.
Oh shit... this poem fucking rocks now. Alex, I'm changing my answer to: "What is TEN?"
Oh, man, this reminds me of one I wrote called M&M Coworker. Didn't want to know him, just look and wonder. We did meet, though, unexpectedly and rudely, coming out of the rest room. I had to put my hands on his chest to stop the collison and I got a note later, "That was the most fun I've had all week!" haha
Nothing can ruin a fantasy faster, though, than a voice or word that does not fit the mental image!
this is fantastic!
I really like lines 24-26, and 29-31...
the rest is good but just not for me :)
You have found a real good reason to keep your nose to the grind stone. Your boss is a real smart guy.
nice funny poem! i looked at the opening couple lines and saw this from the male perspective, T+A...
you're so nonchalant it's
almost, almost but
not quite calculated
You have such a strong voice in your poetry!
Hot as hell
All the women favorite this which explains why male assoles don't have to try too hard
I really like your list; ending with fetish is very strong.
You don't need the explanation given in lines 23-26And the words are the only subject.
I think you should lose both because-s.
Line 31 is trite.
Oops. I didn't finish that thougt. The list of words is the only subject for your pocket, the only thing available to the reader. That's fine, just not immediately clear.
well you should have.
this is very good.
i can see this person.
it makes me want to want them as well.
Certainly captures the emotion. I love "you dont sit, you drape" because if you didnt like them, it would be "slouch". Drape is so elegant.
You wont say a word, of course, until the office party, where you get drunk, photocopy your bits and snog the boss.
24-26 you put into words something i've felt all the time and never knew how to express!
Awesome poem. Finally something worth my time. I'm a busy man after all, and this poem paid off. I'd consider changing the title, but otherwise great. 10/10
This structure is borderline painful. Restructuring this would start to make this poem belong on the top rated list.
Please explain how restructuring this would make it more or less worthy.
No matter how I arrange the words, it will still say the same thing.
I love it. It's so true.
Hear me emote some time and touch my keys
Spin my wheel, whatever tis you please
Plug into me and maybe you could play
Something that gets you through the dull work day
I interpret this as being directed toward a PDA.
this is borderline obscene
Thanks for commenting--appreciated.
Curious about what's obscene though?
i was just being cranky at the time the moderators were all goin hard to the hoop with the obscene thing
chuckle_s -- thanks for clarifying--appreciated!
This STILL rocks the house. I deserves to be in the HALL OF FAME (all-time top ten)
i can relate
sybatight> is you a girl or a guy?
...I is a girl..well...woman...
this is really good-
I think we've all been there at one time or another
this is good, like music to my ears -- of this I'm sure, but there it is where the edges blur, there where we leak into each other, between the cracks in the words that we say, there where the light leaks out in a wondrous way - even between the words we cannot say -- this'll stay on top till the little-rat-eyes despise it with their ones, but we like it and that's more fun
Cliche'-filled (ivory tower / a picture is worth a thousand words). Too much telling and poorly told: "because I touch you / with my imagination / all the time."
Adolescent infatuation writ large.
I'm new to this board. What's the average age here, 20?
Every time I read the top-rated poem I an invariably disappointed.
The hope I harbor is that some may rise above the level of adolescent confessionalism.
I think this is very well written and a poem that is very relatable.
You may want to leave this site for good. You're like the Grinch who stole Christmas. I read your poem earlier and quite frankly, it's boring.
agreed with treadwell - this cockchaffin fellow is all hot air, ass gas, and nothing else.
yah. why not. fuk you too
no i think actually Mr. cechaffin,
is quite right- there are other poems more deserving of the number one spot
than this one.
Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting.
...the cliches were used on purpose....this is a pretty cliche situation....having a mad crush on someone you work with...
and for those who object that this held the number one spot for a few hours...maybe there are times when fun simply trumps spectacular...and this was only ever meant to be a fun piece...
sybarite -- well said, Grl -- the pedagogues 'n pip-squeaks don't get the emotion that leaks from the pen, as longing, as aching, as yearning in unbearable swells, again 'n again
speaks to my heart, at least
I like this better every year. There is only one eye candy at my job lately. Lots of good looking men but only one eye candy man.
What a deliciously fun poem!
I love lines 20-26.
If this was candy, I'd suck on it all day long.
Oh my, the currently ever-revolving top-rated drags up some oldies. Thanks to everyone who's recently commented.
Less of a page poem and more of a rant performance piece. A lot of people like it though so I'll step aside.
I appreciate you not wanting to wreck the illusion...keep your reason for coming to work safe. This was kind of funny.
Best poem I have read all week! Great work - wouldn't change a thing.
Boy... I sure do feel u on this one, Syb!
Must be dem DAMNED pink plates!!!! :-O Hehe.
Well, thanks everyone who has recently commented on this 'oldie'!
Nice..i like the way it ended...lol
LOVE THIS... Nature's candy in a fruit in a cake or pie--millions of peaches, peaches for me!