| Eye Candy
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sybarite
| you're so nonchalant | 1 |
it's almost, | 2 |
almost but not quite | 3 |
calculated | 4 |
so self-assured | 5 |
it approaches arrogance | 6 |
stops just short of asshole | 7 |
| |
you're so fucking hot | 8 |
you don't sit | 9 |
you drape | 10 |
you don't stand | 11 |
you present | 12 |
you don't walk | 13 |
you stroll | 14 |
i can't stop looking at you | 15 |
i can't help thinking of words like | 16 |
languid | 17 |
sybaritic | 18 |
lustful | 19 |
fetish | 20 |
i keep in my pocket | 21 |
tattered and fingerprinted | 22 |
from constant handling | 23 |
because i touch you | 24 |
with my imagination | 25 |
all the time | 26 |
| |
i don't want to meet you | 27 |
i don't want to talk to you | 28 |
because a thousand words (or one) | 29 |
have brought ruin to perfect pictures | 30 |
and felled ivory towers | 31 |
i'm not willing | 32 |
to let even one | 33 |
unfortunate word fall from your lips | 34 |
and ruin my reason | 35 |
to come to work everyday | 36 |
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20 Jul 08 |
Rated 8.6 (7.8) by 16 users.
Active (16): 3, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (3): 1, 1, 1, 7, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(23 more poems by this author)
(11 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
ha ha! this is great.
i saw one at the photocopier on friday. a new, pretty little secretary. i love this, very funny.
— raskolniikov
I saw God in the hall other day at work. God was a hottie. :-) I like this too. I might, however, insert some punctuation throughout, just to enable this to breathe a little more fluidly and not be so chunky and all over the place. A question as well: L21. What do you keep in your pocket that's a bit tattered and fingerprinted from constant handling? You don't say or maybe I'm just reading that line wrong.
— starr
Nope. It was the way I was reading it. I got it now. :-) Good poem!
— starr
This is genius. I am love with it... maybe as much as you are in love w/your boss!
I would have only ONE suggestion, and that would be to try and find a way to either lose the "and" at the beginnings of the lines or keep them, but find another word to start the line.
I realize that sometimes, you can't get around the "and" as a line-starter. I wrote a poem today "a poem is a poem..." and I know that I used "and" as the beginning of at least one of my lines. HOWEVER... you don't really want to use "and" in a lazy fashion. Try and start the lines with a "power punch"... a verb or maybe an adjective. Give the beginning of the line all the power that it deserves.
Again, with the exception of the lines that start with "wimpy words" (like line 22 beginning with "a"), this poem is flawless and will easily reach the "Weekly Top 40" within a matter of hours. GREAT JOB! ~forbster
— aforbing
Thanks for the sage advice aforbing. If you happen to come back, you'll see three of the wimpy "ands" removed. Thank you for the constructive criticism and compliments. Appreciated.
— sybarite
Oh shit... this poem fucking rocks now. Alex, I'm changing my answer to: "What is TEN?"
— aforbing
Oh, man, this reminds me of one I wrote called M&M Coworker. Didn't want to know him, just look and wonder. We did meet, though, unexpectedly and rudely, coming out of the rest room. I had to put my hands on his chest to stop the collison and I got a note later, "That was the most fun I've had all week!" haha
Nothing can ruin a fantasy faster, though, than a voice or word that does not fit the mental image!
— Isabelle5
nice.
: )
— fractalcore
this is fantastic!
— FrayedSkirt
I really like lines 24-26, and 29-31...
the rest is good but just not for me :)
— mindbodysoul
You have found a real good reason to keep your nose to the grind stone. Your boss is a real smart guy.
Larry
— larrylark
hehe
nice funny poem! i looked at the opening couple lines and saw this from the male perspective, T+A...
you're so nonchalant it's
almost, almost but
not quite calculated
— chuckle_s
You have such a strong voice in your poetry!
— meganwhitney
Hot as hell
— themolly
All the women favorite this which explains why male assoles don't have to try too hard
— unknown
I really like your list; ending with fetish is very strong.
You don't need the explanation given in lines 23-26And the words are the only subject.
I think you should lose both because-s.
Line 31 is trite.
— unknown
Oops. I didn't finish that thougt. The list of words is the only subject for your pocket, the only thing available to the reader. That's fine, just not immediately clear.
— unknown
well you should have.
— unknown
this is very good.
i can see this person.
it makes me want to want them as well.
— lostkid
Certainly captures the emotion. I love "you dont sit, you drape" because if you didnt like them, it would be "slouch". Drape is so elegant.
You wont say a word, of course, until the office party, where you get drunk, photocopy your bits and snog the boss.
— shaunsout
24-26 you put into words something i've felt all the time and never knew how to express!
— humblebee
Awesome poem. Finally something worth my time. I'm a busy man after all, and this poem paid off. I'd consider changing the title, but otherwise great. 10/10
— Poe
This structure is borderline painful. Restructuring this would start to make this poem belong on the top rated list.
— WordsAndMe
Please explain how restructuring this would make it more or less worthy.
No matter how I arrange the words, it will still say the same thing.
— sybarite
peanut butter
— unknown
I love it. It's so true.
— FolleRouge
Hear me emote some time and touch my keys
Spin my wheel, whatever tis you please
Plug into me and maybe you could play
Something that gets you through the dull work day
I interpret this as being directed toward a PDA.
— Cerulise
Good!
— unknown
this is borderline obscene
— chuckle_s
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