| Guillotine
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trochee
| and this is where i leave her, | 1 |
footsteps receding, | 2 |
shoeshines blurred, | 3 |
props tumbling | 4 |
from a handkerchief world. | 5 |
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A miasma under a dim streetlight: | 6 |
rough pictures and tinged whites, | 7 |
burnt sketches with chewed outlines | 8 |
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this is where i stop being a painter | 9 |
and gather my incapable skin | 10 |
exiled from colors; | 11 |
a green lizard | 12 |
on a brown window pane. | 13 |
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22 Jul 08 |
Rated 8.1 (8.4) by 11 users.
Active (11): 1, 4, 8, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (4): 5, 6, 8, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
beautiful images, Trochee. The third strophe is particularly lucid although the colours of the outback are brilliant. Our eyes merely require adjustment. I enjoy the apparent disconnect between title and poem.
Who, I wonder, is the one being gullotined?
your v
— unknown
this is sort of over the top but the wording is nicely chosen and the rhythm is almost there too. the image is interesting enough, but images are only armatures and you've skinned this with enough color word and moving-word that i believe this as a "painter" poem. it's "over the top" because it doesn't really talk about anything but the sensation you'd like to talk about but can't put into words" and the sensational nature of the poem sort of is a place-holder for a real emotion, and that's enough, in a poem, to make it work as poetry.
— joey
Interesting, I like the blurred shoeshine. I am curious why you put green to define lizard after you have said you have stopped being a painter. It just struck me that would you still be showing color? Who is painting you now that you have left coloring?
I might be thinking exiled from color means before, that you are regaining color now. That is just a little confusing.
— Isabelle5
i.b., i'm not sure how t. is going to respond to this question but my thought on it is that a poem shows not just a saying but a parallel thinking, and the color images in this make me think of the author's super-vocal need to see and be in a very visual manner? a poem isn't really a telling, as though we were looking each other in the eye and saying true things. it's more like watching the author over his shoulder as he writes, and seeing how his body reacts to what he puts down in words. that kind of dance is the aesthetic, i think, and the word-aesthetic defined through vocabulary simply mimics and doesn't simply "say" what's what in this poem. my poem pluton, after going through all the reasons i can't name or define someone, end by simply naming and defining him -- i simply give up the word game and make the gesture. of course, in poetry, the "gesture" can't be seen -- the gesture is how a line is balanced over another line, and how the sounds cog into each other as "words".
— joey
thank you V.
thank you joey for watching it so closely.
Isabelle to answer your question would take the piss out of the whole thing ;)
— trochee
Well, then piss on me in e-mail, so I know what you're thinking! haha
— Isabelle5
trochee,
i like your poem, and the words are nice and polished,
but i feel it lacks direction and stability, in its purpose.
feelings lack, which is ok. but i usually look for that.
chameleon inpired, perhaps, and if so
would have been interesting to see how you could expand on that.
don't change anything, of course
i'm just being objective.
where the hell have you been?
=-)
— jenakajoffer
jen, say this one out-loud and hear the edges develop into crystal structures and color over in dark lipstick red and black. it's not about anything but poetry.
— joey
This is absolutely splendid although I'd love to know something.
"this is where i stop being a painter
and gather my incapable skin
exiled from colors;
a green lizard
on a brown window pane."
Painter? As in "one who paints his own skin to fit the circumstances...for her" and why incapable? Because it was never able to hold on to the color. Green lizard on brown window pane-----partially camouflage or standing out? ----lizard as in slimy creature or the king of adaptation. Sorry! Just very curious.
— unknown
this is a very condensed and controlled piece of writing. this enhances the already-wonderful imagery (stanza 2 and lines 12/3 = amazing) also thanks for not placing a linebreak after "stop" :p.
consider changing "blurred" to "scuffed". or not, whatever works.
thanks for writing this.
— Virgil
hi jen. i am bloody good. How about ya?
thanks joey that was a lovely comment.
And my dear sweet unknown: You have surprised me with your rendition. You have summed up the last stanza quite well. You are damn right about the painter and the incapable skin. Green lizard on brown window pane = standing out ---- lizard - as the king of adaptation.
Thanks virgil.
thanks for reading this.
— trochee
This is so quiet. I've nothing else to say but that.
— 1994
For visual poetry, this was my favorite one I read today here.
— Eloha
Beautiful....L10 is magnificent.
— sybarite
Thank you 1994, eloha and sybarite :P
— trochee
with a few tweaks this is publishable. I think stanza 2 is almost the beginning and just one or two lines from S1 are needed.
Look
A miasma under a dim streetlight:
6
rough pictures and tinged whites,
7
burnt sketches with chewed outlines
8
this is where i stop being a painter
9
and gather my incapable skin
10
exiled from colors;
11
a green lizard
12
on a brown window pane.
13
and this is where i leave her
handkerchief sailing in a pummeled wind.
Very strong poem.
Caducus
— unknown
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