poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Air in a G String
unknown

He leaves
 1
all muffled
 2
shuffles up
 3
the rise
 4
his eyes
 5
well hidden
 6
from the
 7
blazing sun
 8
 
 
in long coat
 9
homburg hat,
 10
scarf, gloves,
 11
old citizen
 12
cane, he
 13
stumbles
 14
 
 
totters
 15
 
 
on his arm
 16
blonde, stacked
 17
a vision, high
 18
on heels she
 19
trips 'n'
 20
teeters
 21
 
 
titters swirl
 22
as skirts and
 23
trousers flap
 24
 
 
farewell
 25
 
 
from loaded father
 26
and my new
 27
out of the
 28
blue
 29
 
 
"Fuck You!"
 30
 
 
step mum.
 31

22 Jul 08

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I love this. Step Mothers are indeed poetic creatures, enigmatic muses cocooned in sweet ambivalence. The form, tone and diction of this poem create a lovely fusion with a tang of wry perfume.
 — banditfemme

this is pretty nice, and i don't know why you're using the nickname of the bach piece but i do like that this is as simple as bach, and not poetry-brahms talking about bach. there's some really nice rhythm things and sound things in this and i think you've got a pretty nice control of the wording of this. the content is just about what it is, and most of us here can say things like this about our own life, so i'm not going to tell you how "true" this is and talk about my pet cockroach when i was ten and how my mom... cause, it didn't even happen, and it's only interesting because it's linear here, on the page, and i pretended to be going somewhere funny or whatever. the plot of a poem is just the same kind of engine for writing a poem, but it's not what a poem is, and this one keeps the plot very much under foot and not dropping in our eyes like seagull shit.
 — joey

Ta very much, bf, glad you enjoyed.  heir/air, joey. HTH. Good to know some of my stuff works a bit for you. cheers :)
 — unknown

?
 — unknown

nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

Ta, f. Anything in particular? cheers :)
PS Would be interested to hear any negative stuff as well. anyone?
 — unknown

Didn't quite get this,

from loaded father
and my new
out of the
blue

"Fuck You!"

step mum

So, loaded? Does that mean that he has lot's of money or does it mean he's too drunk to realise what he's doing. And "my new out of the blue", does that mean the sudden apparition of his neglected son come to manifest himself or does he blame his own step mother for what he's become.
Remind me again what the farewell is for?

Sorry about this. I just really want to know!
 — unknown

loaded = rich
their is no sudden apparition of son. It is the step mother who has suddenly come into the son's life.
Don't understand your problem with the flapping farewell from the father and step mum.
cheers for comments. :)
 — unknown

Got it now!!! Good one. Enjoyed it second time around. Damn step mums, always distorting my perception living my deliciously out of step.
 — unknown

phew ;)
 — unknown

test
 — unknown

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