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to drown in shallow water
DeformedLion

by the underpass, slip of a girl;
 1
wide eyes,
 2
glances at his paper dreams floating down
 3
the drain way.
 4
 
 
throws out a "how's it goin'...?". heavy in the air,
 5
he wants her lips. in a boys fashion,
 6
with tented jeans and crooked smile,
 7
hair mucked about by silly wind.  
 8
 
 
crouches,
 9
denim seams come undone,
 10
 
 
he is shy now.
 11
sinks into the muddy water,
 12
dreams and all float on by.
 13



for jen. in part.

26 Jul 08

Rated 8.3 (8.3) by 3 users.
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Comments:

Ok, this might be completely wrong. But did he just see some girl's underwear floating in the river and decides to pick it up?

I've really enjoyed this poem. Very nicely put. But why "paper dreams"? Is it that slip signifies maybe something that she's written on a piece of paper and threw it into the drain? But then what's the " how it goin?" for....unless he's imagining and role playing? I might be totally off base but I like it and I really would love to get the finer issues down. Great job.
 — unknown

i like this intruiguing piece.  i read this that the narrator is a teenage boy who encounters a very young prostitute, a mere "slip of a girl." the "paper dreams" represent his money and what it was intended to buy going down the drain. his libido takes over and he shyly has sex with her.  the last two lines leave me with the feeling that he must face heavy consequences for this indugence.
 — SilverGirl

i see this
an older man with a hard on for the young sweet.....

question is
does he
or does he let it pass?
 — unknown

Beautiful and tenderly expressed. Brought back memories of a long time ago when i had a permanant tent pole in my jeans

Larry Boy Scout Lark
 — larrylark

yes, larry has hit it on the head. "memories" cycling the dust...a tale of youth and youthfulness.  which is maybe all i need to know, as writer.

thanks for commenting, above commentors.

much appreciated.
 — DeformedLion

I am seeing a boat floating out to sea, carrying the remains of boyish dreams, as this person moves from dreams to flesh.  The end of boyhood, adolescence?  Not sure if the girl is anything more than the wet dream coming true for the first time.

Am I even close, Poet??
 — Isabelle5

Tented pants, Larry, is that what that's about?  Oh, good grief, I totally missed what that was about.  HAHAHA
 — Isabelle5

yes, Isabelle, you are so close you are breathing on me. The boat being of the paper kind. Dreams, of course, being contructed in quite the same way. And can get wet easily, and thus sinking is inevitable.
splash.
 — DeformedLion

I really didn't like this poem, what it signifies and what it sounds like. I just don't like it one bit...
 — unknown

a percept fragile and yet unencumbered by the existentialism of a later age -- shyness is the slippery slope to encumbrances and when the Persona starts to separate us from the free flow fearlessness of the inexperienced wild child -- the rush of blood, the senses overflowed, the Heart bursting at the seams, the eyes sparkling like Sun painted dew and you the beloved holy one in the mud of dreams glittering like an unhewn precious jewel, untamed and oh so beautiful -- like this homage to jen
 — AlchemiA

I have to agree with unknown.

frankly this is insulting,
and line 3 could use a subject word, because the wide eyes have no ascription, and lead one to infer from the title that they're the girl's.
 — Virgil

insulting? to who?
 — DeformedLion

It's a little complex, but it comes down to basically that I dislike portrayals of young men without dignity.

Curiosity and paying to satisfy it is great and honestly adorable, but I just think it's done in bad taste here because he comes off as an awkward joke, especially in stanza 2 and the theme of this costing him his dreams and causing a metaphorical shallow drowning (this, a boy's fashion?)

It's an ironic tragedy, not a romantic comedy. I mean tragedy and comedy as in life's successes vs. inevitability of death; I mean romantic not as in platonic/affectionate but rather as a pursuit of values and meaningful fulfillment... like the chivalric heroism of renaissance verse. It's a far cry from gallant virtue and orgre-slaying, but the same essence exists at the center of each. Lust for life, accomplishment, self-esteem, and new frontiers-- that is the essence of young men as they can and ought be. That is my opinion.

There is, like I said, potential for that in this... but the outlook is dooming from the start, as if he loses the race before the gunshot even sounds. Don't you see the malevolence, the hostility to his very soul from every corner of the page? That's what I hate about this.
 — Virgil

thank you linus, i just saw this.

so yeah, silly wind is one of the neatest things i have read.  i love it, it's my favourite.  i like this poem.

i might suggest changing line 11/12 to:
"shy now, he sinks"

nice one.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

the only thing insulting is the 'in part' part, lol.

wow i forgot about this, linus.  remember the paper boat picture? hmm maybe this was written after that poem, it's hard when all these years pass, but the l'istoire is fucking interesting, and ghostly.
 — jenakajoffer

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