|Beauteous the story
Comely her lips and best red could get,
Strokes a thousand; red, redder and reddest.
Dancing in air, her curly the hair,
Lovely to stare, poetic an affair.
Wheatish the hue and softest the skin,
Rough a wind could bruise them in.
Dark the brows, softer than feather,
Breeze, far he goes, in vain to touch her.
Pretty the eyes; prettier her looks,
Undefined a beauty in known the books.
Fairest the fairy and in my fairyland,
Angelic her beauty than any angel could stand.
A cure from Lord to hew my worry,
And together, smiles to carry, beauteous the story.
28 Jul 08
Rated 7 (7.2) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (8): 1, 1, 1, 6, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10
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This seems almost as if it has been translated from another language... Is this the case?
Hi, thanks for your comments, this was not translated but written in English directly.
You know, I like it. It didn't strike me as translated at all, and I like the way the words are arranged, it's very different.
It's beautifully written. It seems an old style of English and absolutely magical. The description on the first line of every couplet are unerringly lovely. The second lines use very natural-sounding metaphors. One of the best poems I've ever read on poetry critical.
Another attempt falling flat. "Her curly the hair," is a dead giveaway of someone pretending to write a poem.
Rhyme does not make poetry! Another poem that sounds as if written by one unfamiliar with English as a language.
mindbodysoul : Thank you for your wonderful comments, i am very happy to see the same, would strive to do better.
Linnac : Thank you so much for the comments, one of the best comments that i have ever had and it inspires to write more.
Isabelle: It is encouraging to see someone pointing out the mistakes and your detailing in doing the same is much apprecited. I am sorry that you feel the effort to be a pretence, yet i promise my strife that I may be blessed with better works and if possible your appreciations as well. Thank you once again and i look forward for some more of your constructive criticism.
I use English correctly, when you impersonate me - you don't. I hate that.
It's not poetry, it's an infringement of human rights.
What is your first language? That makes a huge difference in how you put words together, I know.
speaking in tongues?
.....poet-words noted they are beauteous!
this reminds me of the fractalisciously broken and remade English of my brothers and sisters of India -- they could turn a cliche'd droll phrase into a newly found and lovely sounding mirage of meanings and insight -- with the quirky lean of the head and broad smiling face like a churlish child without any malicious agenda or portentous arrogance -- this speaks with sounds softer than feather and gleanings of Fairest fairy -- a Love story with guiltless romance and smiles to carry -- wondrous-ly writ with verity and insight in it -- 'Undefined a beauty in known the books.' rather clunks a bit on L10 perhaps "in undefined Beauty unbeknown by books" or some such would fluidly flow better here -- nevertheless a sweetly rendered pome and a smile crossed my face
This poem is so quirky that I don't quite know what to make of it. I find it endearing and charming, each turn of phrase offers a surprise. It reminds me of a clever and pretty girl with some kind of impediment who is bright enough to use it to her advantage and make her beauty distinctive.
forgot to 10-fave this.
Hi Isabelle, thanks for your comments, my reply for you... my first language is English and just that I am from a different geography, may be it's sounding different to you. The language used in the writing is not completely contemporary and has huge influence of archaic way of writing, I am sorry if this is causing trouble. I am not here to say that I am completely correct and for that matter I believe nobody is and can be. I hope you would agree and appreciate the fact....!
Lily: Thank you!
AlchemiA: Thank you for the review and your beautiful comments. L10, i shall sure revisit the same and work on improving it. If the poem had really brought a smile onto your face, my purpose of writing is indeed fulfilled. Many thanks.
Banditfemme : Thank you for the wonderful comments, and for the same i would let you know one thing, the girl is very much real and beautiful. Just looking at her you could write a thousand poems, very few have i written for i got very little chances to have a look :). Keep smiling and have a wonderful day.
Fractalcore: The sense of having written a poem is only rejoiced when someone enjoys and comments on your work. When someone says it to be a favorite the happiness knows no boundaries, Thank you.
It's hard to believe that English is really your native tongue. There are too many give-aways, even in your own comments.
nice writing by the way...
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