poetry critical

online poetry workshop

D e l e t e d

Precipitate thoughts,
as I sit on this-
restless and heavy skin.
My mind breathes and hungers
for your vivid image.
I will free myself from
your scent and shackles, miss.
You are my goddess no more.
Your lies and beauty,
overwhelms even TRUTH.
Denial takes form of a charging bull.
On these cheeks flow,
tears of my soul and my fare well.
My mind,
            my universe.
Get the hell out!

30 Jul 08

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 10

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i'm comment hungry
 — markfelician

anyone? hihhihi
 — markfelician

 — themolly

thank you themolly :()
 — markfelician

Don't like the last line;You could have used some more graceful words to make the point.

Line 10- it seems funny that those lull you. Wrong word to use I think.

I understand the overall point and I like what you've got.
 — thirdeyris

thank you thirdeyris :)
 — markfelician

"But his poetry can still be inspiring.
Poetry can not always be about the sweet, soft and sugar coated."
— thirdeyris         & nbsp;[!]
 — markfelician

 — markfelician

if i were Isabelle5, i'd tell you to check your grammar in |10
where "lulls" should be "lull" and in |5 where "of" should be
"for" [or so i think] and |12 lacks "the" before "form" and in |13
where "From" should be "On".

maybe you should set your Universe on fire so she can
scram towards the emergency exit, hehe.
: )
 — fractalcore

tx fractal ;)
 — markfelician

my pleasure.
: )
 — fractalcore

I think only that you could replace a few words.
2, 3 are great. 10 just doesn't logically flow.  

fix lull and you're welcome.
 — thirdeyris

done. i think.
 — markfelician

 — markfelician