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The Red Sparrow
markfelician

I wobble-danced,
 1
at the edge of the branch.
 2
 
 
As fluid thoughts
 3
circled my eyes.
 4
 
 
No one's here.
 5
 
 
Left alone with -
 6
a stingy scent of depression.
 7
 
 
A broken wing,
 8
I own and loathe.
 9
 
 
No chance to play,
 10
or dance in the air.
 11
 
 
The nest is -
 12
getting smaller.
 13
 
 
Let death be a blessing
 14
and take me now.
 15
 
 
Let me bleed,
 16
               No more.
 17

30 Jul 08

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Comments:

poor bird and the one wing person that it stands for. nice short lines.
 — nisetru

This poem is interesting, but it seems too esoteric to really allow any reader much room to absorb its meaning.  What I mean is, it seems more of a brief message addressed towards someone -- personal and probably with emotion -- than anything else.  While I agree partly with nisetru, that the short lines are nice, that only applies to an extent.  The brevity takes away from the amount of depth one can actually give this poem and reading it makes me feel as if it's wailing to deviate from the near-repetitive, two-line sentences.  Maybe your intent was, actually, to leave many details out to be desired as a means to cause intrigue.  I, however, do feel as if it does this form of poem some harm because it hints at something personal that needs a bit more basis than what has already been provided.  As a result, the short lines make me feel as if the thoughts are undeveloped or trite, and leaving necessities to be desired.  The poem does have potential, though.  All I can think to say is to take a closer look at it and consider if brevity is precisely the manner through which you'd like these thoughts expressed.
 — diati

I agree to some extent that it needs more details expressed rather than making it too simple diati. Maybe this happened since I made the poem in such haste I was not able to weave vivid imagery and expressed a more personal approach to the poem. I, however think It does not need to be revised because I liked it for it's simplicity. And no, it's not intentionally addressed to a specific person, but it rather applies to all of people who feels useless for their own weaknesses. Thank you for your comments diati and nisetru.

:)
 — markfelician

;)
 — markfelician

nice write, mark.

why don't you use "fluid" instead of "fluid-like" and discard
"around"? just a suggestion if it works for you.
: )
 — fractalcore

;) thanks
 — markfelician

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 — funes

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