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Midwest Nocturne
mitchl

She whispered, under the rain
 1
"Whose wind chimes are those?"
 2
 
 
Out by the goatsbeard where
 3
the last of the snow retreats
 4
 
 
I whispered, "sounds oriental"
 5
Kabuki on a transistor radio
 6
 
 
"Why did the Buddha lose his head?"
 7
"Probably the long winter, honey."
 8
 
 
"It's so quiet tonight, not a breath"
 9
I wrapped my arm close around her.
 10

31 Jul 08

Rated 10 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (9): 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

very impressive writing, to my senses at least. I find this delicate, subtle and authentic. It is is also quietly romantic, a fusion of cultures, taller than mountains.
It reads like a glass of spring water. ( l 2 "who's" should be "whose" )
 — banditfemme

Thanks so much for the kind words and the edit. I absolutely was trying for delicate, subtle (which I'm always after) and the authentic part game easy.
Thanks again.
 — mitchl

Did Buddha lose his head?  

This is still, like a breath held.  
 — Isabelle5

Thanks Isabelle
Yes
 — mitchl

What's goatsbeard? I don't think Buddha had his head cut off. This is good anyway.
Comtemplative.
 — unknown

a lovingly captured moment in the Spring fields holding the beloved close -- those chimes and the Zensational query brought the reader to the Heart of it-- well writ with your loving heart in it --
 — AlchemiA

It feels like you're in a little bubble, very burstable somehow.  
 — Isabelle5

We're all in little bubbles, they're more fragile of course if someone is in their with you.
 — mitchl

I googled goatsbeard, very lovely, does it grow wild in your area?  I really enjoy poems with local floral and tree 'color.'  I like the name Goatsbeard.  I wonder who named it that, don't you?
 — Isabelle5

Just right
 — zylan

Look at this, zooming up the recent top rated!  Congratulations!
 — Isabelle5

Yeah, some nice comments. Goatsbeard kind of looks like a goatsbeard.
 — mitchl

Hmmmm....."wet" and "sad", as in tears and sadness. Perhaps something different because I don't think it works.

"why did "the" buddha lose his head?"

Are you referring to a little buddha statue that was next to the wind chimes that lost its head because of the long winter or did the oriental sounds bring up Buddha because the calm environment is so reminiscent of buddha's teachings. I get this amazingly weird feeling that there are  possibilities to this poem;

1. either she just like asking questions hoping to engage in a conversation which he quells with replies like " long winter" and "oriental" and that he prefers the "wrapping". Or maybe he likes the sense of empowerment he gains every time she asks him a question-- which could be genuine or she could be playing with his ego.

2. Or this could be some sort of interracial couple; an oriental man and his love and she's just curious. Apparently he's lived all his life abroad so he's blank.

3. or this could be a conversation between two lovers who obviously don't know anything about the oriental cultures and are feeding into stereotypes.

I like the poem but lines 9 and 10 have left me uneasy. I don't know about you. Congrats on the top rated addition.
 — unknown

Unknown,
 — mitchl

I am quite hesitant about talking too much about this. Especially after Unknowns thoughtful comments. I tried to do something with this poem but I'm afraid explaining it will cause some to think it was all a trick and they were fooled or something. I can assure you what I attempted to do is no trick and was very intentional...anyway as much as I don't want to,  and at the risk of sending this thing plumetting to the basement....

I was trying to do two things with this. Think two levels. One is quite litereral and quite authentic, the other a more mystical moment. A quiet moment between two long in love people and the spiritual/mysticery of a headless Buddha. The trick, if there was one was to tie them together. Not quite the 'fusion of cultures' that banditfemme referred to but how the commonplace and the spiritual are really the same thing if we listen carefully enough.
So the answer to unknowns:
"Are you referring to a little buddha statue that was next to the wind chimes that lost its head because of the long winter or did the oriental sounds bring up Buddha because the calm environment is so reminiscent of buddha's teachings." is yes.

It's also more than that and less than that I hope. A glass of spring water with Heart.

yes, tears and sadness is much better, I was trying to reinforce the rain but tears does that and a little more too.
Thanks
 — mitchl

NO ONE'S EVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
 — unknown

Its very common in poetry and especially prose (it just takes longer to play out). You need to read more. Some Hemingway maybe.
 — mitchl

What aspects of this poem are common in, to, or about poetry?
 — unknown

connections
 — mitchl

his head was a fountain full of water and can one
call something a fountain if it's dry?

maybe there was only water[/snow] and no [fountain]head.
it's so quiet today and a thought stirs tidal waves in my
head.

: )
 — fractalcore

I like the poem. Should the poem begin with a clear view of the setting? You might consider swapping the first and second stanzas. Or maybe I misread.
 — Joseph

Thanks Joseph. I wanted this to start quiet.
Mitchl
 — unknown

Joeseph,
Not to put too fine a point on this but they aren't necessarily out by the goatsbeard but the sound is.
 — mitchl

mitch

it's just a poem. don't get so attached!
 — unknown

Thanks for the advice but I'm attached to all my poems. Fact is I've posted on this site for some time, lots of poems and they were hardly read and barely commented on. So fuck you.
 — mitchl

so now we see who you really are all that tenderness is a facade. fake taoist
 — unknown

you seem genuinely disappointed.
I'm touched.
sorry to burst your dharma bubble
 — mitchl

dharma bum vs. dharma imposter
 — unknown

Yous seem a very one dimensional person. Only child? You seem bitter that things aren't unfolding in the way you'd like them too. They just unfold.
 — mitchl

Mitchl,
I did not post those "unknown" comments. Someone is pretending to be me. Such antics are quite common on the internet.
 — Joseph

A very touching, clutching piece, well realized.  Vivid, lyrical, what more could a lover of poetry want?  AGLP.
LaG
 — LaGamba

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