poetry critical

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japanese girl

here it goes...

young, innocent
hopes unending
pure, heaven-sent
dreams unfading
                   world’s a playground
                   childish laughters
                   pleasure she found
                   little giggles
wicked prevails
intentions lewd
darkness she wails
stolen childhood
                    vile uncovers
                    world of deceit
                    men no other
                    a pack of cheats
exhausted feet
lost her beauty
broken spirit
                    ruined, abused
                    once a rare pearl
                    now calloused, bruised
                             japanese girl

4 Aug 08

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (2): 6, 7, 9, 10

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I love how you've set this out. It is also a lovely style of, dare I say it, ballad. Beautiful. I like this a lot.
 — Linnac

very funny poem
 — unknown

While I think you could be a little more unique in your language, this is nicely done.  
 — meganwhitney

i like the short lines, even though it seems a bit too concentrated. best stanza is last i think.
 — nisetru

      thanks, Linnac!

     yours are written well
     in fact, i'm under your spell.

    'My Ex-boyfriend Is Like My Old Computer!' is in my list
    'Freedom' is one of my favorites.

     coming from somebody i look up to
     Linnac, i humbly thank you.
 — enkantada

aha! japanese gurl? hmm...

nice little ditty, erm, ballad, enkantada,
er rather self-portrait[?]

|15-16 are sad but true and strongly hurts.
; )
 — fractalcore

hurt, i mean.

did they hurt you really bad?
: )
 — fractalcore

   hidden meaning as you read...
        hurt? did they?
   yeah, they did.
   all in the past,
   yet a curse was cast

   emotions whirl
   certainty blurs
     ...  says the japanese girl.    
 — enkantada

a curse cast
and [a] lesson[s] learned[?]

i bet you're well-protected by your parasol now,
aren't you?

keep posting.
: )
 — fractalcore

I think this is very good.  I especially like the ending, and the physical arrangement of the wording.  And it very distinctly tells a story.  I would like to see more of your work.
 — RageKing

Oh, and don't lose hope.  There are still good men out there.  Many will try to manipulate and deceive, it is true, but there are those who seek only to love.  I consider myself one :).
 — RageKing