poetry critical

online poetry workshop



japanese girl
enkantada

here it goes...

young, innocent
 1
hopes unending
 2
pure, heaven-sent
 3
dreams unfading
 4
 
 
 
 
                   world’s a playground
 5
                   childish laughters
 6
                   pleasure she found
 7
                   little giggles
 8
 
 
 
 
wicked prevails
 9
intentions lewd
 10
darkness she wails
 11
stolen childhood
 12
 
 
 
 
                    vile uncovers
 13
                    world of deceit
 14
                    men no other
 15
                    a pack of cheats
 16
 
 
 
 
exhausted feet
 17
lost her beauty
 18
broken spirit
 19
solitary
 20
 
 
 
 
                    ruined, abused
 21
                    once a rare pearl
 22
                    now calloused, bruised
 23
                             japanese girl
 24

4 Aug 08

Rated 8.7 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10
Inactive (2): 6, 7, 9, 10

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(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I love how you've set this out. It is also a lovely style of, dare I say it, ballad. Beautiful. I like this a lot.
 — Linnac

very funny poem
 — unknown

While I think you could be a little more unique in your language, this is nicely done.  
meganwhitney.org
 — meganwhitney

i like the short lines, even though it seems a bit too concentrated. best stanza is last i think.
 — nisetru

      thanks, Linnac!

     yours are written well
     in fact, i'm under your spell.

    'My Ex-boyfriend Is Like My Old Computer!' is in my list
    'Freedom' is one of my favorites.

     coming from somebody i look up to
     Linnac, i humbly thank you.
 — enkantada

aha! japanese gurl? hmm...

nice little ditty, erm, ballad, enkantada,
er rather self-portrait[?]

|15-16 are sad but true and strongly hurts.
; )
 — fractalcore

hurt, i mean.

did they hurt you really bad?
: )
 — fractalcore

   hidden meaning as you read...
        hurt? did they?
   yeah, they did.
  
   all in the past,
   yet a curse was cast

   emotions whirl
   certainty blurs
     ...  says the japanese girl.    
  
 — enkantada

a curse cast
and [a] lesson[s] learned[?]

i bet you're well-protected by your parasol now,
aren't you?

keep posting.
thanks.
: )
 — fractalcore

I think this is very good.  I especially like the ending, and the physical arrangement of the wording.  And it very distinctly tells a story.  I would like to see more of your work.
 — RageKing

Oh, and don't lose hope.  There are still good men out there.  Many will try to manipulate and deceive, it is true, but there are those who seek only to love.  I consider myself one :).
 — RageKing

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