poetry critical

online poetry workshop

it's not the prospect of dying that has me chalk eyed

it's the blinking of camels
the unyielding persiflage
a symphony of anvils
all this circus shrapnel
the ridiculous price of
living among you.

6 Aug 08

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persiflage?  oh my, and living among us too! I need a bigger diction, airy. lolz.
Q: what about your speaker engages or charms the reader to care whether the reader is chalk eyed or crayoned-in.  The margins are unclear, except that the finish is a dismissal of the very ones your speaker means to connect as her dots.
In my opinion, we need to charm or interest our readers in caring for the poem;
this poem is persiflage (I guess) and over the top of the bottom of someone's empty barrel.
 — netskyIam

nice little ditty, and clever in wording. i think it's the entire thing, the rhythm and music in this which makes it work. the thoughts in it are trivial, but somehow become real and acceptable because you seem to have felt them. i'm not sure that you actually did feel these heavy thoughts as heavily as they might have been felt -- again, because the 'wisdom units' in this are negligible, but you've written it with style.
 — joey

The weather, we note, varies between dry and wet.  Let a smile be your umbrella (song title).
 — netskyIam

 — nisetru

i agree, nisetru.
: )
 — fractalcore

Wow. There's something messianic about this. I could be way off the mark but in the context of a sacrificial death this makes total sense. I love it and wouldn't change a thing.
 — smugzy