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Draw Strings

As our poems converge
our sentences brim with passwords
in this grim distance of
your cornered room
and my paper walls secluded
in my own skin
I thought of your body
as a costume and sashayed
as a man of poetry for a while
from emptiness to doors of withdrawal,
hotel suites and unfrequented tables
although afraid your words
might surface where i'd laid them aside
lurking between empty glasses,
smoke rings and ruffled bed sheets.

7 Aug 08

Rated 9 (9.3) by 1 users.
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Inactive (2): 9, 9, 10

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nice alliterteration and internal rhymes. Did you mean 'awhile' on line 9?
 — SilverGirl

i think that you're drawing out your vowels as you hear this and that it's a regional poetry from the region of t.v., and that it's hard to make this work as a poem. the words stretch a little, then stop for me, where it's perhaps that you hear the word's internals oozing sound, and i only can see a stop sign? for instance, how long am i to hold the 'i' in line six's 'skin'? if i hold it long, it completes the stretching of 'paroles', if you're pronouncing 'paroles' as english and not french, and i'm not sure what your 'paroles' actually are -- freedom from jail or french poems. there's a nice rhythm to this, and it's a nice collection of sounds, but i'm just not sure that i'm hearing them correctly.
 — joey

seeing that this is yours, t., i'm hearing it a little differently, this time, and hearing 'paroles' as 'pa-roll'... is that close? it'd make the other sounds fall into place for me.
 — joey

nice writing. the format would seem questionable because of its tight form, but you explain it so well with the first line. the poem does seem to converge. that was a good technique.

also, the words themselves are carefully chosen.
 — listen

Nice flow, very well written.  Good job!
 — meganwhitney

Jeepers! I meant "alliteration."
 — SilverGirl

thnks Silver girl. i think 'a while' and 'awhile' is one and the same thing.
close enough joey. i would hear it as "pu'rowl".

Ola! thanks listen.
thank you miss whitney or is it mrs?
hello SG, wheres the alliteration?
 — trochee