poetry critical

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Apartment 4 Rent

she gets fucked
by a tea-cup
everynight when palm-frond
motherfuck gets back
from nowhere,
he of the sapphire tongue
and doleful eyes.
he likes to spoon her
swishes it in with a
gyroscopic motion,
swish swish swish.
like a "YES YES YES"
pounding the inside of my
porcelain brain.
that's the sound of connectivity,
and fuck,
if that's not love then
blue-shadeface surely
twists into heartmap--
   small ex for soul?
(light knocks)
of fists and fucks, yes?

10 Aug 08

Rated 10 (6.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 1, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 1, 1, 3, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(372 more poems by this author)

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Fuckin' good poem

Larry fucked lark
 — larrylark

18-19, I'm missing an article/possessive pronoun before blue, why be ambiguous here?

Otherwise this is fucking awesome.
 — technomancer

fu- er, rock on!

: )
 — fractalcore

what is palm-frond?
i think you could remove 'he' from line 8, and it's bothersome that 8&9 both end in 'her'.
i love lines 11-19.  'if that's not love, then blue shades of face..." that line is wonderful.  i don't know about 'heart maps to the soul' if it doesn't cut enough, or make connection with blue shades of face...just something i'm unsure of.

is this a take on apt 4? for starr?
it's pretty damn good.
 — jenakajoffer

i'd not use "everynight" cause it makes you seem dog-slave to conversational ways of telling us to get fucked, and we're way sophisticated enough to fill in the space between our legs on our own -- we can find the words you didn't say, just as well as we find the ones you scream. using 'everynight' flips out into outer space, where the planets make the time rules and only gravity gets off. same, but in a different way with line 13, which sounds like it should be rhetorical, but, really, the swishing is very loud and says it all -- anything affirmed works as affirmation... anything said is a noise working on the ear.

stanza sixteen turns into college writing and loses the motion, because the motion was about acting like psychology rather than explaining it as thermodynamics: the ending line loses anything of purity, following the dr. freud explanation. this is either a very boyish and non-editable rant or the beginning of consciousness, and i think, really, the next few poems you write will suck but after that you'll find your voice again.

who did you write this for?
 — joey

I like the original better.  
 — Isabelle5

a coupla nits -- l18 oughta be than not then ( 'then' is a time based word whilst 'than' compares things ) as a 'cover' for starr's soulful pome Apartment 4, this takes a more righteous tone 'attitude' -- l6 through 15 are awesome nevertheless -- perhaps Apartment 4, Rant
 — AlchemiA

Thankfully, Starr's is the original and it says a whole lot more than this heap of nonsense.  
 — unknown

This poem sucks major ass.  The original is so much better.  What are you doing, paying off your buddies to give you "10" ratings?  This should be Starr's spot right now.  
 — unknown

jeex, i hate creeps, and, you above, unknown and unloved, thinking that this writing was about getting something off star and that the 10 shit was what was important in posting to pc is creep central. this isn't much of a poem, but the guy did try to write something, and you're just on the band wagon and you're the princess of the football team throwing up on the lawn, and, ok, it's pretty cause you had jock-cock for lunch. maybe you're jealous of the attention?

here's a hanky.
 — joey

Hurrah to the origional, this is pushing it our patience
 — addagirl

How did this get to be #2 on the BEST list?  It's not even original in its title!  
 — Isabelle5

jeez, you guys are really sissying out today! just read it as a fucking poetry and not a memo to your busy have-it-good.
 — joey

Joey, the community is speaking their minds, can you respect that, please?  This isn't a good poem, no matter how you try to soft-pedal it.

You know that if we had all liked it, you would have told us it was garbage.  The fact that we don't like it means the Devil's Advocate is on the other side.
 — Isabelle5

can yu respect mine, please? it's not about your badge, it's about this poem and this poet -- it was just a thing to say, in other words. wish you weren't such a nagging mother about everthing, cause motherhood is already under the microscope and it looks like there's some prions, a priori, lurking in motherhood which maybe came from saturn.

very spacey.
 — joey

I respect yours but you scolded all of us who don't like this.  
 — Isabelle5

I am flattered by the emulation and honored too!  I think mine says more with less though.  But hey...thanks!  :-)
 — starr

This is YOURS, Joey?  Wow...now I'm REALLY flattered!  :-)
 — starr

no, dude! it's way not mine -- be getting a grip, pleeez! no, i just think that people are ragging a little too much on the home-town personality thing about this, and it's not a good poem in and of itself, not because it's a clone of yours -- which anyone can see isn't the case, that it's moving on a different plane and a different sensibility. sort of like when netsky did my poem, but he was doing burlesque and this one is kind of respectful, if sort of out of synch.

ok, yah, maybe it could be mine -- i've written stuff which i thought was good just because i wrote it, but i've taken them down off the site...

do you see how in this one, it's only that he's not hearing the poem as he writes it? that it's kind of too abstract and talky -- responding to something, but not inventing the something in a new way, one which we could discover a counter-idiom to yours. actually, this one is more poetry than yours, but really only because the sound track to this feels like alban berg, and that's always interesting and maybe misleading to the poet?
 — joey

I bees gettin' a grip now.  :-)  I thought it was YOURS.  It just sounds like somethin' you'd write; kinda out there, but kinda not out there at the same time; y'dig?  Well, then whose ever it is, word up.  Right on.  What else is there to say really?  Hopefully you'll get a good tenant in Apt. 4.
 — starr

no, it is mine.

and i am suprised at the attention this has received. mostly i was just cooking in starr's kitchen. making a mess, leaving the sink full of dirty dishes.

i find that you never really know where a poem is going to end up, and this, well, is middling. its kind of a poem though, and that is all i was trying to do.
 — DeformedLion

Rather jejeune.
 — redhen

I think you could apologize to Starr for making his own poem seem lessened.  How yours got to be top rated and his did not is one of the mysteries of this site.  
 — Isabelle5

and maybe you could go fuck yourself.
 — DeformedLion

now now DL... you were doing so well up to that point...

though if this is about making a mess while washing dishes.. love it ;)
 — Mongrol

I can do that better than you did writing this, that's for sure.

Didn't you say that you took Starr's poem, left it like a sink full of dirty dishes?  Why did you?  Don't blame me for showing you your face in the mirror, buddy.
 — Isabelle5

Ban Isabelle! Grandma Hen. Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!
 — unknown

I really loved 16-21, and it's a shame that L22 ruined the aftertaste for me. I think it's unnecesary, but that's just an opinion.  I dug this. I liked both of the Apt 4 thought processes, but I had more fun in this one.
 — nugunz

no, lets not ban Isabelle.
 — DeformedLion

d-l- this is like, sometimes, when you lose your voice and speak with your eyes, is all, and it's something that really needs to be written. it's got some moves, but it's not feeling like it's got a geography of body -- it's kind of place-names, with the words being so important. something weird is that a poem is read word by word, but, sometimes they read like they're supposed to be read phrase by phrase, and this one is like that and with only isolated words like pop-ups. it's not prose and not lost inside the words either.
 — joey

edits. meh.  
 — DeformedLion